In March of 2020 my personal experience of being a college student became radically altered. As a result of the COVID-19 pandemic what was supposed to be a quick visit home during spring break soon turned into a prolonged quarantine at home with no definite end in sight.
I am the first in my family to attend college. My parents have no idea how college works. Though they recognize that I work hard, they have never experienced the academic pressure that comes from being a first-generation student. Furthermore, they don’t always understand how my school responsibilities may logically take priority over my role in the family. My dedicated approach to my education sometimes hurts them as they believe that I put more effort into my academics than into my family relationships. However, they are the reason why I care so much about school. I feel the need to succeed academically not only to secure my own future, but also to make my parents proud and to show my 6 younger siblings that there is value in education. I want my college experience to prove to them that knowledge is power, and that hard work brings opportunity and a brighter future.
[Figure 1. Photograph of Evelis Cruz walking on stage at her high school graduation.]
College is about independence and growth. It is about breaking away from your family and establishing yourself as an individual. It is about expanding and solidifying your values, beliefs, and education through social and academic experiences permitted by campus life and the college environment. When I began college, I fought very hard to be able to live on campus because I knew that if I were to stay home, I wouldn’t be able to focus on my studies and produce quality work within my classes. Living on campus and being only responsible for myself really made it possible for me to be dedicated to my academics without the interruptions and distractions of home life. I was able to create my own routine, manage my time, and invest in myself.
Being a first-generation student, I really valued being surrounded by other students on campus. It made me feel understood and it validated the importance of my goals and values in ways that my family’s limited support simply cannot. Being surrounded by my peers motivated me and constantly challenged me to explore, to grow, and to do better. Having access to countless resources on campus such as professors, advisors, the library, the honors college, etc. allowed me to invest in my interests. The support brought by these resources maximized my potential as a student and helped me to develop an excellent work ethic. Lastly these resources allowed me the opportunity to develop stronger work for my classes and to maintain a more enriched social life through clubs and campus involvements.
[Figure 2. An infographic of the resources available to students on campus at UMass Lowell. Created by Evelis Cruz with Easel.ly]
Now that I am stuck at home quarantining, I am no longer able to enjoy the advantage of being on campus as I complete my classes. I feel as if I’ve been disconnected from the resources of campus and all the support that they offered me. As a result of being home and distanced from campus I’ve also begun to experience a split in my attention.
My home responsibilities are frequently distracting me from my schoolwork. Though in the past I have validated my physical absence from home with the belief that putting my initial energy and attention towards school first would be of greater benefit to my family than if I were to sacrifice my education by being hyper-involved with family affairs, it is hard to maintain this belief when the effects of my academic approaches on my family are witnessed first-hand.
[Figure 4. A photograph showing a keep out sign posted on Evelis Cruz's bedroom door.]
My siblings do not understand that physical distance between my home and my campus isn’t the only thing that has prevented me from being as involved with our family. They do not understand the purpose of my college experience, the academic obligations that I have, or the values that I hold. How could they? They are all under the age of 16. They do not understand that I need space to get my work done and do well in school. They do not understand that me doing well in school is my way of inspiring and influencing them. They only know that I lock myself in my room, drink ungodly amounts of coffee, cry about school assignments, and that I spend countless hours in front of my laptop. They have no concept of the pressure that I feel to do well in school for their sake.
I also fear that I am giving them the wrong impression of what it is to be a college student. Am I destroying my own cause by allowing them to see me in frantic states as I struggle to create an environment that is conducive to my learning and academic success? Am I planting seeds of animosity towards the academy and college education in their young impressionable minds? Has their view of my lack of family participation and periodic mental instability given reason for them to choose not to attend college?
This new experience of being a full-time college student from home comes with a large serving of irony. The very people that I am attending college for are the ones that I am pushing away. My relentless attempts to be the best student I can be in order to influence my younger siblings to also attend school may be the very reasons that they decide not to.
The guilt of being mentally preoccupied with my education though I am physically present with my family weighs heavy on me every day. I’ve begun to wonder how my constant physical presence, but consistent mental absence is being understood by my six younger siblings.
- Do they truly believe that I have chosen college over them?
- Do they feel less loved?
- Do they feel ignored or abandoned by me?
- Is my unexpected return home an inconvenience to my family?
- Am I an intruder in my own home?
I am at a loss. I do not know how to balance my time and energy between the two roles of dependable big sister and academically successful student.
As I fight to preserve my family ties and my own academic experience I become concerned for the education of my siblings. Just the other day my mom received a phone call from my 11-year-old sister’s English teacher who informed her that my sister had yet to complete any of her online ELA assignments. My mother was furious and scolded my sister saying...
[Figure 7. A laptop on a table. Giorgio Trovato - untitled image]
Oddly enough I’ve been asking myself the same question about my own schoolwork. If I, a responsible young adult, am struggling to balance my time and roles as student and big sister, I cannot begin to imagine the difficulty my siblings are experiencing in trying to keep up with their academic responsibilities and adjust to this new way of life prompted by the COVID-19 pandemic. How can a child process a situation that has left our own teachers, parents, professors, and world leaders confused and uncertain?
[Figure 8: A video of my siblings' thoughts on the pandemic and how it has affected their lives.]
Maybe what my siblings need most in this moment is for me to be present in all forms. Perhaps they need my constant surveillance and nagging to ensure that they get their work done. Perhaps they need my shoulder to cry on at any given moment- even when I’m in a Zoom meeting or completing an assignment due on Blackboard by 11:59pm. Maybe memories of my constant attention, support, and physical availability during my time home will mean more to my siblings than my earning a bachelor’s degree ever will.
Mandatory social distancing and quarantining as well as the closing of campus has caused me to question if I am placing the right amount of importance on each of my two worlds of student and big sister in relevance to this moment right now. If society does not restabilize and if this pandemic is not solved, then in the future family may be all that I’ll have. What will have the greatest effects in determining the success in my future? Is it my dedication to my education which serves to sustain my social network and solidify my eligibility for future careers, or is it proving the loyalty and love that I feel for my family by giving them priority over my academic responsibilities? Is my education worth sacrificing my relationships with the people that matter most to me?
In my personal experience as a first-generation college student living through the COVID-19 pandemic I feel as if I am being forced to choose between the two; My academy education or my family.
Credits:
Created with an image by Giorgio Trovato - "untitled image"