Pub Safe officer brings justice to misparked car
By Eli Tan
The night of Feb. 23 started out like any other. While most of the student body prepared for bed or finished up homework, an evening of unexpected heroism was just beginning for Public Safety Officer Chad Christiansen.
After his fourth trip around the St. Olaf campus, Christiansen slowly cruised past Buntrock Commons and into the parking lot. It was at this moment he knew something was wrong. He entered the parking lot from the west side, instinctively heading towards the back row of cars. What was expected to be just a routine check turned into one of the many high stakes situations Christiansen and the other Public Safety officers face every week: a car with a Skog parking pass parked in the wrong lot.
“From there, the adrenaline just took over. Everything became a blur, and I really had to rely on my training and muscle memory to execute in that kind of situation,” Christiansen said when asked about his initial response to identifying the misparked vehicle.
And execute he did. Christiansen successfully fined the violator $40 for the infraction, a fair price considering the student only paid $260 for a parking pass at the beginning of the year. When asked for comment on the infraction, the student, who requests to remain anonymous, expressed their regret for how the situation went down.
“It’s an unfortunate occurrence, but I have no anger towards the officer. This was my fault, and I take full responsibility. What Pub Safe does for this campus in terms of parking enforcement is beyond admirable,” the student said.
Other students on campus expressed their concerns after hearing word of the infraction the next morning.
“It’s really troubling knowing there could be cars out there parked in the wrong lot, but I can definitely sleep well at night knowing Pub Safe is doing everything they can to stop it,” said J Lot permit owner Hunter Barber ’21.
Christiansen has since brushed off much of the acclaim for his heroic achievement, attributing it to the responsibility of the job.
“When you put on that Public Safety uniform in the morning, you don’t always know what’s going to happen,” said Christiansen. “The dangers of the job are definitely outweighed by knowing you have a part in keeping this campus safe. Especially from students too lazy to drive their cars back to Skog at the end of the night.”
tan2@stolaf.edu
A&Eats Review: Limited edition beef cookies at the Cage
By Valerie Ann Darger, Junior Rat Reporter
Okay, I’m gonna give it to you straight. I have a very strict diet, one that doesn’t allow me to indulge much. Cakes? Forget about it. Puddings? I vomit. Cookies? Watch out, toilet. I can eat virtually no desserts at all, making my life quite sad. That’s why I was so happy the week The Cage premiered a limited-edition “grab-n-go” option for people like me, the Big Ole’Beef Cookie™.
Worried their sales might not compete with such aggressive campaigns as Arby’s “We Have the Meats,” Bon Appetit launched the beef cookie trial run for sales-research purposes, said Bon Appetit representative Jerry McGuire.
Now, like many students here at St. Olaf, I’d consider myself a skeptic. I don’t like to try new things, meet new people or engage in class discussions unless forced to by participation grades. However, when my friend literally forced me (with a participation grade) to try one of these premium beef cookies, I was pleasantly surprised at how organic, farm-raised, and USDA-approved they tasted!
You could order a beef cookie hot or cold. I got mine hot because, well, some like it hot! The hot beef cookie came on a plate, but I noticed they packaged the cold ones in the standard Cage cookie bag. The crust of the hot beef cookie had a lovely golden glow, obviously pan-seared for a bit of crispiness. Some people around me opted to eat their beef cookies with forks and knives, but I went the more street food-style route: no hands, only teeth!
The inside of the hot beef cookie was tender and juicy. The flavour was pure beefiness, bursting with hints of oregano and cow. I think my protein levels spiked and I transcended on the spot. Washing it all down with milk made the whole experience pretty meta. While I was unable to try the cold version, a friend of mine said they tasted just like left-over slabs of her mom’s famous pot roast. A good late-night snack, I reckon!
The Big Ole’Beef Cookies™ definitely deserve a second run at The Cage. Until they return, I can only project prayers onto those poor souls who have never known the truest bliss available to humankind.
Don’t be surprised when you hear chants across campus next fall… “Beef cookie fun, Um Yum Yum!”
darger1@stolaf.edu
Professor who signed their email “Best,” actually doing the f---ing worst right now
By Alyson Stinker
Despite their veneer of contented elitism, you know deep down that your professor is, in fact, doing the worst.
“I don’t know how the f--- to use Zoom, 115% of my students are asking for an extension despite my zero late work policy and it turns out no one gives a sh-- about intro to art history anyway,” laments your professor. “I can’t believe they were just in it for the ORC all along. I feel so used.”
Despite daddy PDA saying that everything is going to be okay, morale remains low with your professor.
“I just want to assign 175 pages of reading, 17 outside lectures and 8 mandatory trips to museums. Is that so much to ask?” your professor sobs. “Then use my classic ‘take care of your mental health’ disclaimer to pretend I care about the well-being of my students. Works every time.”
But now your professor must resort to “closed-booked” Zoom pop quizzes and calling on the student with their camera and mic turned off, who is clearly just trying to take a f---ing nap.
In response to these trying circumstances, your professor vows to be twice as much of an a--hole next semester.
“Yeah, I’m feeling pretty pent up, honestly. I’m really gonna let my students have it in the fall when in-person classes resume. As a treat.”
brinke1@stolaf.edu
Devon finally cuts hair, no one recognizes him
By Ariel Mota Alves and Evan Faas
Have you heard of Obama gray-haired syndrome? It refers to how stress may have triggered President Obama’s hair to turn almost completely gray after completing his second term in office.
St. Olaf student body president Devon Nielsen is now experiencing a similar affliction. But instead of gray hair, he has been experiencing extreme hair loss. Nielsen’s once infamous Bieber haircut has completely fallen to pieces and his flowing locks have been reduced to a few wispy tufts of shriveled hair strands, like that of Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Nielsen solved his hair loss problem by shaving his hair and going completely bald, the first time since third grade.
The hair loss is reportedly driven by the accumulating stress that the 21-year-old has faced due to the strain of the COVID-19 pandemic. While the cancellation of the senior commencement has upset many, what really seems to irk Nielsen is the cancellation of his beloved Spring Fest.
“Gosh darn it to heck, this was supposed to be the best Spring Fest St. Olaf was ever gonna see,” Nielsen ’20 exclaimed, in a rare display of Minnesotan anger.
Nielsen was allegedly thinking about donating the rest of the SGA funds to the World Health Organization to combat COVID-19, now that Trump has cut the budget to the UN agency. But the St. Olaf administration disagrees.
“That’s not how it works,” said Brandon Cash ’16, Director of Student Activities, in the most Minnesotan passive-aggressive way. “That’s not very helpful.” The former SGA star also mentioned potential budget cuts to SGA due to a lack of revenue generated from parking tickets, now that in-person classes will not resume until 2022.
According to the accounts of a person close to Nielsen who also serves in the SGA executive team, identified as CH, Nielsen allegedly threatened to sign an executive order to reopen the school, which is allowed by the SGA constitution under ‘extreme circumstances.’
“COVID-19 is an extreme circumstance, so I might consider it,” he said.
Due to the hair loss and new haircut, Nielsen’s roommate of four years and his SGA Vice President, Ariel Mota Alves told Manitou Messenger that he was unable to recognize his own roommate once he returned to their room.
“I just lost my spectacles so I couldn’t see,” Mota Alves told the Mess. “I thought it was just one of the constituents who would normally walk into our room without knocking and complain why students get less money in Flex dollars” explained Mota Alves.
The Senate Chair told the Mess that he was deeply worried because he couldn’t locate his roommate for days and thinking there’s a student who wouldn’t want to leave his room.
“Students have been sending emails to the Senate alias accusing me of a dictator, so I was afraid to kick him out. Little did I know that he is my very own roommate but with no hair,” said Mota Alves
Nielsen was finally recognizable and “found,” where his friends and fans thank him for his year of service.
“I had hoped that mother nature would have mercy on us and we could at least go to Riverboat, but I don’t know if that’s likely going to happen,” said Nielsen as he slammed the door and drove to his hometown in Lakeville, Minnesota.
motaal1@stolaf.edu
faas1@stoalf.edu
Graphic by Thomas Hardy/The Mess
Elaine from Stav Hall elected to every SGA position
By Karen Larionova
After a grueling Student Government Association (SGA) election process for all St. Olaf students, the final results have been counted. Of all the dozens of positions up for grabs this cycle, Elaine from Stav Hall has come out as the winner of them all.
Elaine’s platform of kindness and her campaign slogan “Good Morning!” pushed her through the final days on the campaign trail. Despite big competition for high-ranking positions, her supporters made up the entire student body.
Even with ranked choice voting, Elaine still came out hundreds of votes ahead of all her competitors.
Current leadership of SGA is respectfully transitioning all of next year’s roles to Elaine.
“I can’t be mad because I did vote for her,” SGA president David Nielson ’20 said. “It’s what she deserves.”
Elaine is yet to put out an official statement regarding the results of the elections. However, she has been spotted at Stav Hall giving wonderful greetings to students getting food.
larion1@stolaf.edu
Photo courtesy of St. Olaf Marketing and Communications
St. Olaf divests from fossil fuels, invests in child labor
By Logan Graham
After significant advocacy from the student body organized by the Climate Justice Collective, and in order to be in line with many other institutions who have made the move, St. Olaf College changed their investment policy so as to divest from fossil fuels on Thursday. The segment of the endowment previously invested in fossil fuels will now be invested in incredibly lucrative sweatshops overseas.
A campus wide email sent out after the decision read “It is time to show the moral courage of Oles and officially divest from the fossil fuel industry which is destroying our planet. Instead, this money will be used only to invest in ethical companies. We will be investing in small businesses, in this case, the cheapest and most deregulated textile manufacturers in the world.”
When approached with concerns about whether or not this new investment is ethical, the spokesperson for the investment committee said, “Look, St. Olaf is all about helping people find their vocation. If the vocation of these ten year old children is to sew Walmart t-shirts until their hands bleed, who are we to stop them?”
Editor’s note: Since the time of publication, the Climate Justice Collective has changed their name to the Collective Against Child Labor.
graham10@stolaf.edu
Photo courtesy of St. Olaf Marketing and Communications
ADC, Turning Point co-sponsor trip to Wisconsin Dells
By Jacob Maranda
In a striking turn of events, the After Dark Committee (ADC) and St. Olaf’s branch of Turning Point USA have announced they will be co-sponsoring a trip to the Wisconsin Dells over the summer.
The two organizations released news of the trip through a joint email sent to the entire student body on April 1. The email contained a Google Form where any interested students could sign up to attend the three-day-long trip, scheduled for sometime in late July.
Many students questioned the seriousness of the trip, citing that the email was sent to students on April Fools Day and that these two organizations seemed an unlikely pairing.
ADC and Turning Point quickly dispelled these speculations in a response email the following day.
“Yes, the trip is actually happening,” the email read. “No, we didn’t intend the announcement as a joke. And no, we don’t think our organizations are that different.”
The email continued, after a reposting of the Form, “In fact, we think our organizations serve a similar role here on campus – giving students events to laugh at and make light of after a long week of classes.”
Another source of skepticism for students was the trip destination. The two organizations gave no further reasoning for wanting to visit the Wisconsin Dells apart from a brief description in the Form, which reads, “We think it would be wet and wild! Who doesn’t love that!”
Bizarre.
The Form included sections for students to select their political affiliation and their favorite attraction at the Dells, again highlighting the stark dichotomy present in every aspect of the trip.
Upon request, the leaders of ADC and Turning Point offered a joint statement to the Messenger via email.
“We think this could be a really exciting opportunity to engage the St. Olaf community,” the statement read, in part. “Hopefully many students with a diverse array of political affiliations and water slide preferences sign up to attend.”
marand1@stolaf.edu
Public Safety plans to shoot sexy calendar, increase revenue
By Anna Leikvold
When they learned that students will be living off campus for the remainder of the year, Public Safety brainstormed a way to make up for the money they will be losing without being able to ticket the cars of the broke student body. They came up with a new idea that will fully utilize their best assets: a sexy calendar. The idea initially came from President David Anderson ’74 (PDA) who has made numerous sexy calendars.
“I don’t know why the students won’t buy my calendars,” PDA said.
According to Director of Public Safety, Fred Behr, they are hopeful that their idea will sell. They also hope that they will make the student body learn a few things.
“We want the students to know that we are cool and relatable,” Behr said. “And that you definitely don’t need recreational marijuana to be cool. Just a good body and a power complex.”
The Public Safety team will be running around the natural lands to get in shape before the photoshoots. They are warning students who are still on campus to be careful smoking marijuana during this time.
“We can run pretty fast now, and we will not tolerate the smoking of Devil's lettuce in the natural lands,” Behr said. “We will sneak up on you when you least expect it.”
The calendars will be available for purchase this spring. In order to make up for lost parking ticket revenue, the calendars will cost $20 for one, $40 for two and $1 million for three.
leikvo1@stolaf.edu
Graphic by Anna Weimholt/The Mess
It’s official: burning pile of money now most popular SGA branch
By Grace Klinefelter
The results are in; the people have spoken. Based on the annual Student Government Association (SGA) popularity branch contest conducted this week by the Messenger and the math department, the burning pile of money is the most popular branch of SGA.
St. Olaf’s newest SGA branch was established just a few months ago after widespread student complaints that their student government was not spending their budget wisely surfaced. President of SGA David Nielsen took matters into his own hands and set up a Google form so Oles could submit their ideas. One particular plan gained traction: set up an entirely new SGA branch, a burning pile of money in the middle of Crossroads.
The most compelling aspect of the burning pile of money, according to a number of students, was the increase in transparency and accountability the branch would bring.
“We can really see where the SGA’s money is going when it’s burning in the middle of Buntrock all the time,” explained Jonathan Groff ’23. “We know exactly what is happening with the budget at all times.”
After several minutes of deliberation among the SGA leadership, the burning pile of money was immediately approved and granted a sizable budget. The president and vice president promised students that 100% of the new branch’s budget would be converted into $1 bills and burned.
The newest branch in SGA was installed in Buntrock a few weeks ago and support began pouring in from the community. Despite all of the buzz about the burning pile of money, the team was a little surprised to see just how popular it is. The SGA branch popularity contest has only ever been won by the Board of Regents Student Committee, after all. To have that 147-year streak overturned is no small feat.
The Mess would like to extend its official congratulations to the burning pile of money on its overwhelming victory in the SGA popularity contest.
klinef1@stolaf.edu
Graphic by Valerie Darger/The Mess
Residential life reveals plan to encourage a stronger sense of community by replacing dorms with one big room separated by curtains
By Samantha Asplund
St. Olaf plans to continue its strong residential image and reputation by renovating existing dorms on campus. With the Ole Avenue Project, Regents Board members found the time to set this residential plan in motion is now. As world events continue to progress, staff and alumni feel current students will want to strive for even greater relationships founded from this intensely residential campus. In order to achieve this, renovations will be taking place to the existing dorms on campus.
Called the Ole Curtain Project, this new residential layout has two main objectives: save money and create a stronger sense of community among students. However, St. Olaf is using what some may consider unorthodox renovation methods in order to form stronger bonds among students. Dorms will be undergoing a massive renovation project to tear down all walls separating the individual dorms which will be replaced by individual curtains that can be drawn closed for nighttime privacy. This new curtain initiative will also eliminate hallways in order to create one giant common room, necessary for forming closer and tighter relationships with fellow oles.
With most students already having departed campus, renovations for the Ole Curtain Project are set to begin as early as the middle of April 2020, weather dependent. After renovations are completed, Oles Can and Oles Will feel a part of an even greater community. The tradition of a small campus community at St. Olaf will be complete thanks to the Ole Curtain Project.
asplun1@stolaf.edu
Piper Center employee who thinks everything is an opportunity to network won’t leave student alone as he showers
By Agustin Forero
Jacob Atkinson ’23 reported that Piper Center employee Ryan Tineo ’21 had recently been camping outside of his home in Newberry, MI. Tineo is ceaselessly offering advice on the world of networking and internships.
Atkinson claimed it all started late one evening a few weeks ago. He was awakened by an ominous roar of the wind outside coupled with LifeSavers mints hitting his window pane.
“When I opened my window to check on the noise, I saw him standing there: Ryan Tineo, fully dressed in a button-down suit, holding resumes in one hand and a laptop in the other,” Atkinson said.
At 6 a.m. sharp, Atkinson awoke to the sound of Tineo's crisp, baritone voice broadcasting the importance of action verbs. At lunchtime, Atkinson enjoyed his meal while staring out into the yard, where Tineo had prepared a 5-part presentation on the usage of the STAR interview method. Atkinson drifted off to sleep to the sound of crickets singing, coupled with Tineo incessantly chanting “firm handshake, firm handshake, firm handshake” outside his bedroom window.
“It’s simply a part of my life at this point,” Atkinson said.
For Atkinson, what used to be an overwhelming feeling of claustrophobic dread has evolved into a sense of endearment for Tineo and his work ethic.
“It’s the little things he does: leaving mints in nooks and crannies around my house, editing my resume when I’m not watching or getting my measurements to properly fit me into a handmade suit,” Atkinson said.
Even still, there are moments that trigger his fight-or-flight response.
“Though I’ve warmed up to the omnipresence of helpful networking tips and tricks, I am sometimes troubled by the appearance of his silhouette on the other side of the shower curtain. I ease up again when he starts shouting impactful bullet points, but I always end up asking myself, ‘Is he going too far?’” Atkinson said.
Tineo was unable to meaningfully comment on the matter, instead responding with blurry photographs of forested areas with the names of St. Olaf alumni desperately carved into tree trunks.
forero1@stolaf.edu
St. Olaf wins best campus to steal from 10th year in a row
By Alexia Nizhny
An important day for President David Anderson ’74 (PDA) came Friday, March 6, marking St. Olaf’s tenth win in a row for Best Campus to Steal From by The Princeton Review. The president flew out to their headquarters in Massachusetts for the award ceremony where he graciously accepted the honor on behalf of the students that made it possible.
“Without St. Olaf’s ability to turn a blind eye to the root of the problem and our wholesome Minnesotan façade that encourages students to let their guard down, this achievement would not have been possible,” PDA said.
He waved the trophy proudly and waddled off stage screaming, “Oles can, Oles will! Um yah yah!”
Noah Abram ’21 – a veteran thief from the Pause soda freezer – was excited to hear the news.
“There’s nothing more gratifying than knowing I contributed something meaningful to my campus. It really reminds me that a small action can make a big difference,” Abrams said.
Andrea Hird ’23 also expressed satisfaction with his own work.
“You never know where life will take you and, especially since this award, I feel happier than ever with my poor, unethical decision-making,” Hird said.
Hird’s commencement into thievery began when he would rearrange gel clings on Hoyme doors to spell out curse words.
“After a few weeks, I realized I could just take them off the door entirely and it would go completely unpunished. Now I collect them in my room in a special locked box pub safe can’t open if it comes to that,” Hird said.
While Abram and Hird shared their enthusiasm, Sara Kepley ’20 expressed some concerns she had about the award for the following year. Kepley spent her St. Olaf career making a big name for herself on campus by dealing tea bags stolen from Stav Hall.
Her operation has grown to consist of about 20 percent of the student population, which has been central to guaranteeing St. Olaf’s win against its competitors over the past four years.
“I know who I’m appointing to take my place for next year, but I just want to make sure the leadership transition will be as smooth as possible,” Kepley said. “If not, our first place spot could be jeopardized.”
PDA celebrated the award by bringing the trophy to a formal lunch in the Caf with Abram, Hird and Kepley the Saturday following the award ceremony. The whereabouts of the trophy are currently unknown after being stolen from one of the cubbies outside of Stav Hall but PDA says this marks hopeful prospects for securing next year’s win.
nizhny1@stolaf.edu
Graphic by Valerie Darger/The Mess
Church of Scientology buys land intended for Ole Ave housing project
By Anna Leikvold
The new housing project on Ole Ave has been controversial for a variety of reasons. Along with the destruction of many treasured honor houses, the project is very expensive and makes St. Olaf students wonder where the school is getting all the money.
Recently the school opened up their vault to begin paying for this large construction project and found only $200. (Rumor has it that Turning Point students stole it because they heard there would be a depression, and really need the cyber truck – but that’s another story). After this embarrassing realization, the college knew they needed a more financially viable plan, ideally one that would help attract prospective students.
“The decision was easy once we realized we didn’t have the money,” President Dean Anderson (PDA) said. “We sold the land to the highest bidder.”
This bidder just so happened to be the Church of Scientology. David Miscavige, the head of the Scientology church, is excited about this opportunity.
“We know that college-age students are super susceptible to joining cults... I mean churches,” Miscavige said. “Please don’t quote that.”
PDA is equally excited about this opportunity.
“I am pretty sure Lutheranism is the same thing as Scientology,” Anderson said. “This reflects St. Olaf’s progress as an institution.”
Anderson wants to remind everyone that tuition prices will still increase and a Scientology course has been added to the new GE requirements.
leikvo1@stolaf.edu
Student athlete with three cups on his tray given the side eye
By Laras Kettner
It’s always a fascinating phenomenon to see the brave St. Olaf student athlete who carries three cups on his tray. Even at dinner one day, I was startled to find myself standing in the drink line with one of these unique students. After I took my one cup and filled it with water, I heard a voice behind me say, “I’ll take three cups please.” Despite the shock of the student worker handing out the cups and my own distress, I took a moment to slide my eyeballs over to give this atrocious student a quick peek. Of course, I was met with the grinning face of an intimidating football/basketball/soccer man who was still on that runner’s “high” from sports practice.
I watched as if in a trance, as this student took his sweet time filling his three cups with ice and yellow Gatorade. He didn’t seem to mind that there was a long line of angry students behind him. And he never noticed that people walking by were giving him the side eye and other disapproving looks. Instead, this athlete held his head high above the crowd and walked briskly over to join his football/basketball/soccer teammates. It was astounding that the three cups of Gatorade so precariously balanced on his tray didn’t spill over.
Certainly, there are many reasons as to why this student chose to carry three cups on his tray. For many athletes who have just come from a strenuous sports practice, the act of getting up to refill one cup is wayyyy too much exercise, as well as somehow beneath them. Instead, they choose to fill three cups with Gatorade or milk so they can restore those important electrolytes.
It also thrills many sports teams to challenge themselves to see who can drink the most Gatorade in one sitting. This allows them to keep up their strength as well as engage their competitive spirit. The best part: students who choose to carry three cups on their tray get a thrill that all their cups may fall over and cause a scene in Stav.
kettne1@stolaf.edu
Graphic by Valerie Darger/The Mess
Guy “playing devil’s advocate” in class just resembles more of an actual devil
By Mallory Lindahl
“If I could just play Devil’s advocate for a second…”
You immediately look up from your notes after the infamous words are spoken. There, in front of you, sits your worst nightmare: the Devil’s advocate.
Also known as the Chads of the classroom, the “Devil’s advocate” always manages to take over the conversation and make everyone in the room uncomfortable. You squint at him as he begins to speak. You could swear you see two little horns peering out from under his hair and his eyes have just flashed red.
No one can really tell if he’s trying to help the argument progress or if the Devil is using him as a vessel to spew nonsense. This one may be an advanced classroom Devil. He could even use large vocabulary words that he learned the day before in order to prove his superiority over his classmates. You weigh your options. How can you defeat this semester’s Devil’s advocate?
Perhaps you could try standing on the table and screaming loudly as he tries to speak; or maybe, if necessary, you could completely agree with everything he says in order to bewilder him into submission. Should you lead the class in group prayer to send him back to whence he came? You start to sweat a little as the “Devil’s advocate” seems to come to the climax of his controversial point.
Luckily for you, it seems that everyone else in the class and perhaps on earth is sick of hearing contrarian opinions that exist for no reason other than to draw attention to the fact that some people want to watch the world burn. As the Devil’s advocate’s drawn-out point comes to a close, you breathe a sigh of relief.
Several people in the class have already raised their hands to respond, and the professor calls on the student who has printed out the reading for the day and highlighted the important sections. It’s at that moment that you realize the Devil’s advocate is going to be defeated.
For today.
lindah2@stolaf.edu
Graphic by Anna Weimholt/The Mess
Stumpy caught on Rand surveillance
By Plaire Prewes
Recent Rand camera footage shows Stumpy the squirrel breaking campus rules. The controversial celebrity took advantage of the empty dorms by inviting all of his friends from the Natural Lands and throwing a huge party on Friday that could be heard from Carleton.
“I have enjoyed my stay at Rand and am considering moving in permanently,” Stumpy said.
The recently installed cameras expose Stumpy ignoring quiet hours and writing obscene phrases on door whiteboards. Staff who have gotten sick of quarantining with their families in Northfield have also been caught on camera joining the fun.
Stumpy left all of the washers broken and brought instruments from the music building for his band to play. No one stayed six feet apart. One clip shows Stumpy smoking a joint and then throwing a nut at the camera.
Students are jealous of what St. Olaf has become since the mass exodus from campus.
“I’m moving back as soon as possible. Rand sounds lit,” said Kyle Smith ’20.
Stumpy’s actions have ushered in a new party culture that some believe is here to stay.
“We’ve never drank or partied on campus before this. Unprecedented behavior. I don’t think it’s going anywhere soon,” said Lauren Johnson ’21.
drewes1@stolaf.edu
Graphic by Anna Weimholt/The Mess
Cage bum is productive
By Elijah Leer
THE CAGE -- In a shocking turn of events, a student was discovered to have finished two different assignments while sitting in the Cage last week. Cage staple Bjorn Bjornssen ’22 was as surprised as anyone when he pulled off fifteen consecutive minutes of work, all from the coveted position of a corner circle table.
“I only like going to the Cage to study because it never feels like studying,” Bjornssen reported. “I can always count on being interrupted by some poor sap complaining about Great Con, or by a group of friends who are just bored.”
Nonetheless, despite the prodigious afternoon rush, Bjornssen kept his focus.
“It was really something to see,” related Cage employee Solveig Solveigssen ’23. “I see Bjorn here all the time, and I never suspected he could manage something like this. I suppose the seven cookies per day had to pay off sometime.”
Other witnesses described Bjornssen’s prolonged quietude as unsettling and unnatural. A senior econ major who elected to remain anonymous confided: “I know that people say they go to the Cage to study, but this...I don’t know.”
Frowning and shaking his head, he added, “I guess I’ve just never seen it before.”
The assignments in question had been due earlier that morning, which may have given Bjornssen a heightened sense of motivation, but his undertaking remains notable nonetheless.
The previous record for Cage productivity, held by Hoyme Larson ’01, was set in the fall of 1999, in the weeks following Buntrock’s grand opening. The Cage was relatively quiet then, and Larson was able to work undisturbed for twelve straight minutes. The area’s present-day notoriety only makes Bjornssen’s feat more impressive.
When asked how he planned to celebrate his accomplishment, Bjornssen declared that he deserved a prolonged study break.
leer1@stolaf.edu
Couple living in Thorson, Hilleboe use Zoom to keep long-distance relationship alive
By Amy Imdieke
We all know that distance makes the heart grow fonder, and nothing says romance like the tinny echo of a Zoom call. Many, many miles of road in between two people can strengthen any relationship, whether it be professional or personal. Take, for instance, a couple who each lived in Thorson and Hilleboe, respectively, during their time at St. Olaf.
“The first time I pressed the call button on my laptop, I was nervous,” Sarah Baxter ’22 said. “I could not wait to see [my girlfriend] face-to-face again after passing her in the hall last week. On St. Olaf’s liberal arts campus, the disciplines intersect, but our walking paths do not.”
Her partner, Haley Lorenson ’21, spoke to the difficulties of long-distance relationships.
“We don’t see each other very much, now that we live across campus,” Lorenson said. “It makes video calling her so much more thrilling.”
Zoom calls have become a lifeline for this love-struck couple.
“We call each other for hours. Finish class, do homework, call Sarah, then go to bed. That’s my routine,” Lorenson said. Their switch to Zoom was entirely logistical; if they ventured outside and made the trek to the other’s dorm room, then they would spend hours walking that they could have spent doing homework or in a practice room.
“I really love seeing her face on my computer screen,” Lorenson said. “Even if I could see her in real life, I would miss that slight delay between when I hear her voice and see her face move.”
These two sweethearts are not alone in their obsession with video conferencing. Many professors find the switch to online classes liberating.
“I don’t have to wear pants,” said one of the religion professors, delighted that he no longer has to follow the department’s dress code of a tweed-coat, slacks and loafers.
His students find the situation agreeable as well.
“If he doesn’t wear pants, then I don’t wear pants. It’s what Kant would have wanted,” Noah Shorts ’19 said. “I know that because I read a lot of books. I was in Great Con, you know.” While the college has not yet offered a formal statement on the matter, it is clear that everyone is thrilled with the addition of video conferencing to the St. Olaf experience.
“It fosters a learning environment where everyone’s voice is clearly heard,” Shorts said. “And if anyone asks me a question that I don’t want to answer during a Zoom call, I just freeze in place and pretend the connection went bad. Works every time.” Long-distance relationships such as these flourish in all settings; all you need to do is show your face to your computer and everything else just falls into place.
Baxter and Lorenson found the switch to online classes equally rewarding.
“We spent so much time last semester on Zoom with each other that we hardly noticed the switch to online classes,” Baxter said. Like the rest of the St. Olaf faculty, these two have become experts at video conferencing. “We never experience any audio issues either. Everything runs smoothly. Always.”
With spring break in our rearview mirrors and the birds singing from the treetops, we face the rest of this semester with the certainty that even if everything else fails, we still have Zoom to keep us company.
imdiek1@stolaf.edu
Religion professors publish “Bible 2”
By Logan Graham
The St. Olaf religion department has just released the most anticipated sequel in human history. Bible 2 promises to shore up a lot of the controversies of the original Bible and provide some closure to the loose ends the audience was left with back in 382 CE.
Bible 2 has been met with some degree of criticism. When asked whether Bible 2 was a tasteless misunderstanding of Christianity as a whole, The Morisson Family Director of the Institute for Freedom and Community and self-appointed Executor of the Divine Will Edmund Santurri stated, “We have been ordained by God to bring the Word to the unwashed masses, and you dare question us?”
In regard to the question of giving sermons from the new text, college pastor Matt Marohl said, “I think Bible 2 does a much better job of focusing on inclusion than Bible 1, and it touches on present day issues like climate change!”
The three thousand page text is written entirely in ancient Norweigian, which Charles Wilson, head of the Committee for the Resurrection of Christ on This Earth, stated was due to the fact that “ancient Norweigian is the language that Christ 2 spoke, so it is only fair His Word is in His language.”
Bible 2 has begun to generate a cult following. First year religion major Leah Berdahl ’23 argued that “no matter what you think, it is worth the read after the cliffhanger in Bible 1. I just needed to know if Judgment Day happens or not.”
One thing is for sure; as the sole retailer of Bible 2, the St. Olaf Bookstore has single-handedly saved Barnes and Noble from collapse.
graham10@stolaf.edu
Graphic by Valerie Darger/The Mess
PDA suspends presidential campaign, mistakenly endorses Klobuchar
By Jacob Maranda
In a move many have expected for some time, President David Anderson ’74 has suspended his campaign for the president of the United States.
Anderson announced the suspension in a livestream via St. Olaf College’s Instagram account on April 11. Community members tuned in from around the country remotely to hear Anderson’s address. At its peak, the livestream had 43 concurrent viewers.
As part of his address, Anderson announced that he would be endorsing Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar for president, citing her midwestern roots and “pragmatic politics.”.
Immediately after saying this, there was a pause in the livestream as Anderson leaned off screen, seemingly taking a message from someone in the room with him. Attentive listeners could hear Anderson whisper, “What do you mean she dropped out at the beginning of March?”
He returned to the livestream, looking quite beleaguered and lost.
“I apologize for that mistake,” Anderson said, ponderously. “I will not be endorsing anyone at this time.”
Early in the livestream, Anderson provided several reasons for his suspension, primarily his need to focus on the ongoing situation at St. Olaf.
“Now, more than ever, the St. Olaf community needs my full and honest attention,” Anderson said, dutifully. “I am determined to lead our community in the best way I know possible.”
Many students and community members felt the statement came far too late, as Anderson never mustered much momentum following the announcement of his candidacy in late October 2019. In fact, Anderson only gained 1 percent of vote shares in one location — that being Ward 2, Precinct 3 in Northfield, where St. Olaf students and other community members vote.
Anderson addressed his campaign shortcomings during the livestream.
“I know we didn’t do as well as we would have hoped,” Anderson said, forlornly. “I’m just happy more people got to visit my cooking Instagram account, David’s Plate.”
Social media interactions with the David’s Plate account peaked in early December, near the time of the annual St. Olaf Christmas Festival, as Anderson posted a video of himself cooking his famous Yuletide Ham to a slew of new followers turned onto the account from his first announcement address.
Anderson’s focus now shifts to finding a worthy candidate to endorse following his livestream blunder. Former Vice President Joe Biden, long-time political activist Vermin Supreme and the heavenly spirit of Martin Luther have been tossed around by pundits as favorites for the endorsement.
marand1@stolaf.edu
Graphic by Thomas Hardy/The Mess
Mess reporters pee in PDA's yard to mark territory
By Lydia Bermel
It was a cold, snowy evening, and as both the night and the snow fell, the newsroom was hard at work. The editors not only discussed layouts and edits, but how they could improve advertising. They sighed as they realized the #readthemess stickers that were plastered on literally every inch on campus weren’t enough. They decided, if they were to truly increase readership and officially claim dominance over campus, they needed to go bigger, bolder.
They had to pee on PDA’s lawn.
Three mess reporters were selected for the job and, under the darkness of the night,made their way from the mess office down the hill to PDA’s house. The windows were dark, with not a single light on. It seemed like no one was awake or even home.
“This is perfect,” whispered one of the reporters. “It’s time to claim what’s ours”.
Cars passed on Ole Ave, headlights flashing, as the Mess staff members crossed the street. At any moment they risked being caught. Always observant like the good reporters they are, they waited for the right time to make their claim.
“We just had to do it,” Tinkle Lou ’20, one of the two reporters, said. “We had to mark our territory.”
Her fellow reporter, BladDer ’22 shared a similar sentiment, stating, “the stickers were just not doing it anymore.”
As the sun rose the next morning, the snow glistened on the trees and across campus. There, on PDA’s lawn, in the classic Mess yellow, it read #READTHEMESS.
bermel1@stolaf.edu
TBH: I’ve heard Anton sing and he’s not even that good
By Jacob Maranda
I’ll say it — Anton Armstrong ’78, acclaimed director of the St. Olaf Choir, just simply doesn’t have that good of a voice. I know, I know — just let me explain my reasoning by sharing a brief anecdote.
It was late one Thursday night. I was heading back to my dorm after an extended practice session in Christiansen, one that left me in a sour mood. Because I was living in Mellby that year, I decided to head out the courtyard doors, next to the rehearsal rooms.
As I was heading out, I heard a strange crooning noise emanating from one of the rooms. As it was quite late in the night, I didn’t expect to hear anybody rehearsing outside of a closed-off practice area. Because of this, and the peculiar nature of the noise, I decided to investigate.
I walked down the hall quietly, so as not to disturb the source. The door to the rehearsal space was left wide open. I poked my head inside, but unfortunately whoever or whatever was making the noise was obscured by the rising bleachers and rows of chairs. I had to enter the room further to catch a glimpse.
The noise sounded like it was coming from the center of the room, near where the director of the group would normally stand. I tip-toed to the edge of the bleachers and carefully leaned my head around the corner.
There, standing in the middle of the space, was none other than Armstrong, facing the empty seats, mouth wide open. He was wearing an oversized nightgown, Nike slides and a Martha’s Vineyard hat.
Truth be told, I had never heard Anton sing by himself before. I’d never been a member of any collegiate choir, nor had I listened to any of Anton’s albums on Spotify. What I heard was very unexpected.
That strange, almost guttural crooning noise was coming from none other than Anton himself. Now, it would be one thing if he was experimenting with some new vocal style or just testing his range. But no, it looked like this man was really trying. Chest puffed out, mouth wide open, feet shoulder width apart — he looked the perfect picture of a magnanimous vocalist. The sound coming from this posture was, however, anything but prodigious.
I stayed there in silence for about a minute, trying to reason with what I was seeing. Finally, after my ears could no longer handle the sound, I turned and, as briskly as possible, walked out of the rehearsal room and exited the building. The quiet and cold of the night struck me as more peaceful than ever before.
I couldn’t believe that was the high-talent of the lauded Anton Armstrong, possibly the most accomplished conductor in St. Olaf’s long and storied choral history. Surely someone would have heard his voice before and informed the blissfully ignorant man of his vocal shortcomings. What did students think when he demonstrated a pattern during a practice session? How did the recording engineers in the studio reckon with what they had heard?
I was truly befuddled and laid in bed awake for several hours that night puzzling out these questions and many more.
So there it is, laid down in one striking memoir. Anton Armstrong’s stoic demeanor betrays the voice that is hidden within, a voice that is so unnatural, strange and unpleasant it verges on unbelievable.
marand1@stolaf.edu
Graphic by Thomas Hardy/The Mess
Moans of pleasure coming from Rolvaag air vents are really just two students passionately enjoying Cage ice cream
By Laras Kettner
Uncertainty and trepidation seemed to hang in the air amongst St. Olaf students studying on the fifth floor in Rolvaag Memorial Library. PDA had yet to send the email out signaling the end of the world. Still, the coronavirus pandemic had been a sign of euphoria for many seniors. It signaled the last time they could frolic amongst themselves in the best places at St. Olaf.
Our studying was interrupted by a high-pitched squeal coming from an air vent. The students on the fifth floor looked around at each other, confused at what they had just heard. Who was disrupting our peace and quiet? There was some laughter and muffled talking. And then to our horror, we started hearing quiet sighs and loud moans of pleasure. The noise began increasing in frequency and volume, until we felt as if the couple was in the room with us.
After 10 minutes, I had had quite enough, and I started walking around, trying to find where the source of the noise was located. I finally found a dark study box which seemed to be the source of the problem.
I peered through the glass into the dark room and I could barely see anything. They had chosen to turn the light off for privacy. The moans continued, and I thought I could make out two dark shapes intertwined in the corner of the room.
I braced myself and swung the door open, flipping on the light switch. The couple jumped apart looking very guilty. But, when I looked more closely at their faces, their mouths were covered in melted ice-cream. A heaping cup of Cookies & Cream ice-cream sat on the table between them, with two spoons.
“I’m sorry, were we being too loud as we enjoyed our last Cage treat as seniors?” the girl said innocently.
“Grab another spoon and you can join us if you’d like!” the boy said as he waved me over.
I don't think I’ve ever sprinted out of a study room so fast.
kettne1@stolaf.edu
Graphic by Anna Weimholt/The Mess
Senior panic over graduation cancelation unnecessary: What were you going to do with a liberal arts degree anyway?
By Grace Peacore
With President Dean Anderson’s (PDA) email announcing the cancelation of this year’s May graduation, students from the class of 2020 broke into panic about the fate of their degrees.
“What if we don’t even have the chance to complete our degrees,” philosophy major with concentrations in management and education studies Linda Linda ’20 lamented. “What if I can’t even land a job after college because of this whole debacle?”
Her friend Katherine Kat ’20, a double English, environmental studies major with concentrations in race and ethnic studies and women’s and gender studies, shared in her panic.
“I’m really afraid that companies won’t take my applications seriously due to the lack of a degree,” she said. “I really need the degree to confirm how hireable I truly am.”
Everyone’s conservative grandmas called their grandchildren and put these fears at ease.
“Don’t worry at all,” Linda’s grandmother said, “at that liberal arts school, there was no way you were getting hired anyway.”
peacor1@stolaf.edu