By Abigail Dwyer
For most of my life, I have struggled with my mental health in one way or another. Having both body dysmorphic disorder and generalized anxiety, I am prone to panic attacks that leave me so entangled in my own thoughts it becomes impossible to focus on anything else. These panic attacks manifest in different ways, but the most common way is an intense shortness of breath where it feels like I can barely get enough air in my lungs causing me to struggle for air. Throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, my panic attacks have become more frequent. If i begin to feel as though I cannot breathe, my mind immediately starts to spin terrified that I have the virus, as shortness of breath is one of the most prominent symptoms. The thought that I may have gotten the virus exacerbates my panic, making it harder and harder to catch my breath.
I know that I am not the only one struggling
This was before everything changed
These statistics are from a survey that was done well before the COVID-19 pandemic made the world stand still. Seeing these numbers reminds me that I am not alone. Every time I cannot catch my breath, I know that students all over the country are feeling the same way.
These numbers also make me worry about the health and safety of my peers. While I may struggle with mental health, I also come from a place of privilege. I am not food insecure, I live in a loving household, my parents do not fight, and I still have a source of income.
[Figure 2. Photo of Abigail Dwyer in Amherst, MA one week before Gov. Charlie Baker declared a State of Emergency in Massachusetts. Taken by Sophie Shapiro. Mar. 8, 2020.]
Social distancing has redefined our normal.
Everyone who is not considered an essential employee must work from home and all students, from kindergarten all the way through college, are now taking classes online. Like many others, I have had trouble with this transition, my anxiety about the pandemic making it nearly impossible to focus on my studies. I find myself spiraling some days, thinking to myself that there is no point in studying because life will never be the same. Will my degree even mean anything? Every time I turn on the news and see what a massive impact this virus is having all over the world, I cannot help but think that the classwork I have been told to complete is just a waste of time. Nothing but a distraction from the chaos happening around us.
[Figure 3. The nearly empty beach in Ogunquit, Maine, one week into social distancing. Taken by Abigail Dwyer. Mar. 22, 2020]
The Center for Disease Control knew that social isolation would impact mental health. In response, they created a section on their website dedicated to coping with social isolation during this pandemic which details signs of increased stress and anxiety as well as ways to combat those feelings. A recommendation that I have seen over and over again is to turn off the news and find something else to occupy your time. While this has proved to be incredibly difficult, my anxiety pulling my focus, wanting to create more panic, I have found a few activities have genuinely helped me find bright spots in the gloom of quarantine.
When my brain just needs to turn off for a little bit, but I cannot go to sleep, I have taken to coloring these intricate coloring pages out of a book I got during my freshman year of college.
[Figure 4. A completed coloring page from the book Secret Garden: An Inky Treasure Hunt and Coloring Book. Taken by Abigail Dwyer. Apr. 22, 2020]
One recommendation I see time and time again is to maintain some sort of routine. I have struggled with this, often staying up until two or three in the morning and staying in bed until eleven o'clock. I have seen countless videos of other college students putting together picturesque videos of their daily routines, making iced coffee in mason jars, making a smoothie bowl or avocado toast for breakfast, gardening, watering the plants in their homes, going on long walks, and relaxing in their immaculate rooms. I wonder if these people have felt the random sense of impending doom that I, and so many others who deal with anxiety feel on a daily basis when getting out of bed.
My days have not been so dreamy.
I often wake up and scroll through social media for an hour or so until I can drag myself out of bed. I then proceed to have a luxurious bowl of cereal and cup of coffee while my sister tries to make the new health food she saw online. I will usually then get in my car and drive around, waiting to feel normal again, maybe stopping to get another cup of coffee. By this point I cannot put off my work any longer and I will have to sit down and work on my assignments, while my focus is being pulled every which way. I will look around my room at the fake plants I have purchased, unable to keep real ones alive, wishing that I had a green thumb. If i am lucky, I will not have had a panic attack at this point in the day, but I am rarely that lucky.
[Figure 5. Two smoothie bowls. Taken by Abigail Dwyer. July 28, 2019]
While I have not been able to develop a consistent daily routine, I have found that one of the things I seem to be able to control is my skincare. Before the pandemic I was lucky if I took my makeup off before I went to bed, but now cleaning my face and taking care of my skin has become a nightly ritual that I never skip. It is something small but it makes me feel like I am in control of something in a situation that is so wildly out of my control.
My Nightly Ritual
[Figure 6. Time-lapse video of my nightly skincare routine. Youtube. 2020]
Along with a strict skincare regimen, I have recently found myself doing something I never thought I would. In order to combat my anxiety, I have been journaling, using it as an outlet where I can just purge all of my worries from the day, leaving it on the page and out of my mind.
It only took a global pandemic to get me to start journaling.
No one has any idea if and when our lives will be normal again. For those of us who experience mental illness and those who are struggling with this sudden change in our lives, it sometimes feels like this will last forever. There are days when it feels like there is no point getting out of bed. I have found that it is important to find the balance between allowing myself to be human, grieving the loss of normality for a few moments, while also continuing to live my life.
While this is a less than ideal situation for all of us to be in, I have learned more about myself in these past three weeks than I have in a long time. For those of us who are privileged enough to be social distancing in homes with enough food and loving families, find one thing that makes getting through the day just a little bit easier. It can take the smallest things to pull me out of the tangled web of my own thoughts. For me, my gloomy days have been brightened by coloring pages, fake plants, journaling, and skincare.
I could easily let my anxiety about the virus, the well being of my peers, the state of the country, and countless other stressors overwhelm me everyday. But, before this pandemic started I felt like I was finally coming into my own, and I want to make sure that this virus does not change that.
[Figure 7. Photo of the south shore near UMass Dartmouth. Taken a few months before the COVID-19 pandemic began. Taken by Abigail Dwyer. Nov. 9, 2019.]