A silent watcher secretly giving thanks to the times we spent together and hoping that they will stay just a little longer. But knowing that they have to end at some point...

that's me... i'm somewhat of a conflicted person to say the least. In just about every way i face two opposing forces. I enjoy keeping to myself yet, I also love be loud and rambunctious. Also jobs, part of me wants to become a pastor, the other half wants to do something with video games. Not the most collaborative of ideas. I love writing spoken word poetry, I also love telling bad dad joke. Those things don't normally go together, just imagine: reaching for a deep existential truth with something like "if lies shine then i'm the brightest thing you've ever seen" and right after that something like "Oh i better put on some sunglasses then." They don't mix very well. It would be so much easier if they did, however, what if that's the point of it is to be a conflicting force? Its something ive wondered about for a long time. We've heard the phrases "the things that are different are the things that unite us" (or if you haven't, now you have...) and that's all good and fine but i mean within ones self. I think that the best way to show you what i mean would be to tell you about my high school experience.

They aren't that far, though it felt like it...

I have(or now had) been homeschooled until junior year of high school when we moved form the place i had lived my entire life to a new city only to be put into public school. Which I was less than then thrilled about, although, that was my own fault. Freshman year in homeschooling wasn't all that eventful. Sophomore year was very different, in fact i almost got held back... in homeschooling... I almost got held back. So the decision to put myself and my younger sister was, in many ways, all on me, but I digress.

We arrived in Noblesville, our new home, and simply adjusting to life without school in a new place was difficult enough. Then school started... i'm not sure if it was being homeschooled my entire life up until this point or being thrown in as a junior, but i just about lost it that first day. Yet at the same time I was super excited, I mean, so many people! I soon found out that these where not the homeschooled people I was used to being around, not that it is a bad thing per say. The first day, i still remember quite a bit of it, specifically the last class i had that day, a black day, the class was Madjazz a choir that I wasn't even planning on being in. The bell rang, startling me as it did that whole day. Director had us all sit in a circle and say random stuff about ourself, after our names of course. At that moment I wondered how different I would be after two years of this place, and now i can see just how i have changed, not only as a student but as a person in general.

Extravert V.S Introvert

For one I am, for the most part, much more of an introvert. Even more so then i was dealing with my bout of severe clinical depression, which came back in part with the stress of a new school and city. I keep things to myself in a different way now. Why this is i cant be completely sure of. Perhaps it's because I get to see people more regularly I now see more value in being alone, or maybe its because as i've gotten older now need time to think to myself. Either way I would say it has greatly benefited me as a person, as well as with school it has better help me "stew" on information leading to deeper understanding of things, now my writing has yet to get the memo on this and as such, i'm the a fantastic paper writer.

I will say, my writing has definitely changed since coming to public school, for the better im hopping. Not matter what field i go into, for college i will have to write a great many papers and so i hope that my "form" has improved from even the start of the year. A certain trope i have learned of writing i have learned about myself is that i write these like im saying them, specifically, like i am giving a speech. I was in speech classses for many years while i was in homeschooling, I loved to give them but always hated writing them, I though through this year i have found that i enjoy writing papers because i can, basically, give a speech to myself that i then write down.

To speak to writing, last year in my english class there was a project where we had to write slam poetry, and as i was doing the project, i found such a love fro writing poetry. I particularly love spoken word, it doesn't always rhyme or even make sense on the first read/listen but man it hits me like nothing else. There are two artists that i draw a lot of inspiration from, Levi the poet and Hotel Books. I dont to claim to write anything near as good as theirs. I do, however, claim it to be mine.

The biggest thing i have learned form this year and this class is how people either get to focused on now and get caught up in the moment or they look to far ahead and forget what's right in front of them, when its about balance. And that's why I wonder if that's why i am a conflicted person, to remind me that there is more than just now and that right now is not something to pass over either.

full of the future we aimlessly wander hopping to find the shambles of the plans we made when we just became old enough to understand what time really meant. The future is always the cause of so much grief when we don't know how to fully live with the time of the now, aimless we are hunters without prey, searching for something to objectively call a goal worth fighting for. We are without a true purpose because we are too obsessed with finding one on our own , when we can clearly see what the real objective is... -Fischer Catlin
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Fischer Catlin
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