Perfect Perfect Nightmare

Always clinging on to a part of me that still wants my parents to care I could never be who I truly want. Growing up in a Christian household being gay is a sin that at least my parents didn't think could be fixed but being bisexual, they would strap me to a chair and electrocute me the second I let that word slip out of my mouth. Don't get me wrong my parents are nice and all, as long as you fit their idea of perfect, which I don't. Piercings and tattoos, plus the whole Bi thing, I am my parents definition of perfect, a perfect nightmare. You know the whole "teen phase" where they are rebellious and suicidal and the who depression "phase" because we want attention. I actually went through the opposite, trying to look sweet and like what they wanted me to just so I could breathe! Of course it didn't work, when I was in middle school my friend decided to show our teacher my cuts.

I begged my teacher not to tell but of course he told my mom anyways and the minute I got home I was under a full inspection and my mom yelled at me for hours about how bad it makes her look when I mess up and how everyone must be getting the wrong idea of her because I am messed up. She told me if anyone saw cuts on me again that she would send me off, I only feared that because I still had hope my little brother could turn out like a decent human being (I was wrong). I had never wanted to cut more then when she gave me hope that she cared and broke it when I saw that anger wasn't because I hurt myself but because I might of hurt her reputation. I started getting depressed the more impossible I realized it was to be happy in my own skin, she would sit there and use so many hateful slurs just talking to the TV and when I say anything back to her she just goes into her full break down of why it is so wrong to be anything but Straight. It didn't help that I confessed to liking a girl in elementary school, I didn't realize how many people were against... anything at the time but it led to a long road of being bullied on top of being Bi I was born with blue eyes that changed to green (it is a health defect, swelling of the eye that cause discoloration and blurring vision, usually happens in premature children... yay me) and blonde hair, stuff I liked about myself until people began to pick on me for anything they could think of and I didn't dare try and stand up for myself, I learned from my own mom that it only made things worse. So for years I sat with my depression never letting people know, until this post, because as alone as I am in this house it could always be worse.

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~Tracey B.

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