The first time I started to write this, I sat down for hours and began telling my story from the very beginning of my hardships through life, but as I got further and further into it, I realized in order to share my testimony of faith, I don't have to give the deep dark details of my past. So in order to understand how important faith means to me now, allow me just to share the quick basics. Before I fully gave my heart to the Lord, I was anxious, felt unworthy, and severely depressed. I cried more than I smiled, I had panic attacks multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times day, and was trying to cover my emotions through partying. But then one day I found myself drunk and in a behavioral health center.
So, I'm going to be extremely raw with you so you can see the amazing ways Jesus has flowed into and saved my life.
As I was in the hospital, I felt almost disconnected from the setting. I felt like an observer, realizing that I had a spark in me that some of the other blank faced, dark eyed people in the room lacked. It was disturbing and hopeful all at the same time. Although I was in there to get help for myself, I still felt this need in my heart to help others. I looked after the 10 year old boy in the room across from me and told the nurses to check on him when I could see him crying at his desk in frustration. We had a connection that was unspoken, he looked up to me like a sister and I looked after him like a little brother. There was another girl in there, thirteen years old, that looked at me to tell her that the way she was acting at home was not acceptable. Both of these people that made an imprint on my heart, looked at me for guidance. The problem was, you can't fill from an empty cup, and since I was in a children's center and was the oldest there, I needed to look up to something greater. Luckily, I happened to have a lot of free time. I think I spent most of that week in prayer. If I wasn't in group, I was at my desk or in my bed praying. I prayed for peace and peace he gave me. Throughout my entire stay, I kept seeing butterflies. Butterfly tattoos on my nurses, butterfly posters, butterfly cards, I was even absent-mind-idly drawing them. I could not overlook it. Jesus was answering me, with a flutter of hope.
When I walked out the doors from the hospital, back into the real world, I realized I had to make changes if I wanted to live the life I wanted. I began decorating my room with positive sayings. Outside my window I planted flowers, and in the middle of placing my garden sign that says "hope," a butterfly came out and flew around me. I knew that was God saying, "Lex everything is going to be alright." So, I left old friends and old habits. That summer, I found myself alone. Which again, I had more time to spend with God. Psalm 62:5-6 says, "My soul, wait in silence for God only, For my hope is from Him. He only is my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be shaken." It was a summer of growth and I knew that as I struggled through trying to adjust to the changes I was making.
Here I am 6 months later. I am writing to tell you that wherever you are in life, you can be set free from all of it. Open your heart to the Lord, and accept Him. He will work in your life in ways you won't ever see coming or imagine. He continues to shock me with his works and miracles. When I was in that hospital, that spark was the Holy Spirit. It was just waiting for me to answer and now here I am crying out and passionate and telling you that, that the void in my life has been filled! My soul is on fire! And He has instilled a light so bright in my soul that I feel the calling to shine out before all my friends and family and help them see Him through me! I am telling you, the reason I am so passionate is because I see Him! I see Him in the beautiful people I serve with in church, I see Him in the ways he's changed the people close to me, and I see Him working in the hearts of people across this country. Don't be like how I used to be, one foot in and one foot out the door. Walk all the way into the Holy Spirit and accept Him! Forget the step of faith, TAKE A LEAP OF FAITH!