Senior Kai Xiao remembers encountering toxic masculinity for the first time at the young age of six. Wailing in the backseat on his way home, he remembers the frustrated look on his father’s face, who stopped the car on the side of the road to say, “Kai, you are already six at this point. You're not supposed to cry anymore. It's time for you to become a man now.”
When reflecting on this moment, Xiao often finds himself comparing his six-year-old self to the six-year-olds he sees today and wonders why his father tried to instill this stereotype at such a young age. According to Xiao, toxic masculinity is the concept that a man should harbor his emotions and avoid vulnerability by presenting a tough exterior. Xiao believes his father may have been influenced by his culture — growing up in an Asian household, the expectation that Xiao would one day lead his household was instilled in him early on.
“This expectation of our boys to become men is definitely one thing the older culture [had] to experience [earlier],” Xiao said. “[In] my ancestry, by the time [my grandparents] were 14 [or] 15, I think [they] had [their] first kid. [The idea of toxic masculinity] is probably a remnant of having to grow up and mature faster. As a child, I don't think I ever [saw] my dad cry and it can definitely send messages that you're not supposed to cry, even if you're going through really hard things, you're just supposed to suck it up and bottle it up. [This can be] a subconscious message that a lot of parents send their children because they don't want to appear vulnerable in front of [them], which leads the children to not want to appear vulnerable as well.”
Similarly, freshman Neil Mhamunaar believes that toxic masculinity is subconsciously reinforced throughout generations. He states that because patriarchal norms are deeply rooted in a culture’s history, parents tend to reinforce stereotypes on their children without necessarily being aware of their harmful impact. He notes that societal standards of masculinity influence behavior and fashion, clothing and ideal body types. When Mhamunaar first tried to change his style, he received backlash from fellow students who continuously called him trans for doing so.
“I would [initally] always wear graphic tees and random sweatpants to school but as I finally started embodying my style — I started wearing sweaters and colored shirts and skirts, things that are more more on the androgynous feminine side,” Mhamunaar said. “[Many people enforce the idea] that all guys should have abs [and] muscles, should be wearing sweatpants and hoodies and if they are [wearing] bright-colored [clothing] that [means they’re] gay. I’ve learned to grow out of it because in elementary school, I just did what everyone else was doing. But then in middle school, I started to realize that it's obviously not OK.”
Mhamaunaar points out another example of the famous popstar Harry Styles who received hate for wearing traditionally feminine clothing on the front page of Vogue. Many, such as conservative author and political activist Candice Owens, posted on Twitter to “bring back manly men.” Styles responded to the backlash by saying it was his way of having fun and experimenting with different clothing styles.
Mhamaunaar believes that this stereotype is influenced by social media too. In his own experiences, he has encountered group chats on social media that men use to distribute women’s nude photos, peer pressuring others to contribute images to the chat as well; in order to avoid being excluded, men often comply.
Both Mhamaunaar and Xiao claim that toxic masculinity at MVHS is often ignored or seen as insignificant. Within their own friend groups, many laugh off instances of peer pressure to abide by masculine standards. Mhamaunaar believes that many ignore any toxic standards about masculinity surrounding them by never taking comments made to heart.
Xiao claims that this ignorance could also stem from the double standard of how women often encourage toxic ideas as well. Through many of his own conversations with his female friends, Xiao finds evidence of these standards, such as when his friends claim to avoid dating emotional men.
“[My friends often say] how they don't want to date emotional guys because there's too much work or [it’s] too stressful,” Xiao said. “I feel like that's another thing that perpetuates [toxic masculinity]. When you have this idea of machismo men, and that [they] need to be the man in that relationship, and expect them to take care of a woman that itself is reinforcing toxic masculinity and gender roles, but it is hard thing to change someone's thoughts about [it] because it might just be someone's subconscious preference.”
Haris Hosseini, 2019 Harker alumna and third place national winner of the NSDA speech competition for his speech about toxic masculinity, adds on to the idea of how he has seen both men and women reinforcing the same “outdated ideas” regarding masculinity. He points out that it is often taken casually on school campuses, citing how often he overhears many using “gay” as an insult. As a current college student at Columbia University, he has also encountered the ignorance of rape culture.
Hosseini also argues that one can’t be a feminist while reinforcing the mindset of toxic masculinity. He explains that like oil and water, it is impossible for the two to mix, due to how these two things clash.
“I don't think that feminism is compatible with toxic masculinity because toxic masculinity is built on outdated notions of manhood that are tied to the subservience of women,” Hosseini said. “Another thing is that one is a new movement, the feminist movement, [whereas] toxic masculinity is a problem. I think that one is [more of] an obstacle to the other.”
Like Xiao’s encounter with his father, Hosseini recalls a moment during his grandmother’s funeral when he was 14 years old. His uncle responded to Hosseini’s crying by telling him that this was not what he was supposed to do.
With this, Hosseini points out the importance of getting rid of this stereotypical toxic environment by encouraging everyone to take action when being faced with or overhearing anyone reinforcing these ideas.
“I think it's important to combat [toxic masculinity] because it is at the root of a lot of our problems,” Hosseini said. “It is also important to combat it because this is what is hurting men. [There have been] a lot of conversations about who this hurts, women, children, but also this hurts men, it makes them unhappy. Men are unhappy.”
Hosseini expresses that oftentimes the best way of informing others about overcoming toxic masculinity would be through personal connections.
“I think every person has a young boy in their lives, whether it's a brother or cousin, or friend whoever it is, it's really important that [they] feel that they are allowed to express [feelings] in a healthy way and that you are there to listen if they need someone to talk to,” Hosseini said. “In my own life I make sure that I catch misogyny in the most benign ways to make sure they understand that [what they said is] not okay because if you allow them to think that it's okay to be derogatory toward girls or women or disrespectful, that's the lesson that is learned. We all do it, we all uphold these really antiquated exhausting suffocating standards for men. It's got to stop.”