During the recent Presidential Campaign, the Boston Globe—unquestionably liberal and proud of it—published an edition with a front page that looked into the future. It forecast what the U.S. would be like if Donald J. Trump were President of the United States. You can only imagine what sort of hell-hole they saw the nation become.
Well, two can engage in that sort of thing. So let’s put the shoe on the other foot. Let’s see what the nation would be like if we really did go with her. I give you …
… Madame President, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Week One.
On the heels of a highly-partisan election campaign in which Democratic Nominee Hillary Rodham Clinton won the popular vote going away and absolutely clobbered reality show entertainer and real estate mogul Donald J. Trump (who ran as a Republican, sort of) in the Electoral College, President Clinton (Version 2.0) has promised to make good on her campaign promises from her first day in office.
Day 1—In her very first act as President, Hillary Rodham Clinton issued a Blanket Pardon and Lifetime Pension with full Health Benefits to any and all those decent and honorable patriotic Americans who were unfairly targeted by the continuing vast right-wing conspiracy. These people, innocents all, found themselves facing “unfounded and highly-partisan charges and accusations tossed around wildly by a collection of losers, malcontents, Islamophobes, racists, sexists, deplorables, and all those on Fox News.”
In addition, the President nominated her daughter, Chelsea, currently the head of the prestigious Clinton Global Conspir … Foundation and who previously held a no-talent job at NBC, as United States Attorney General, calling her perhaps the best-qualified person nominated for that office since JFK selected his brother, Bobby.
Day 2—The President announced that the United States would establish HillaWeCare to accept all the world’s refugees, currently estimated at approximately 3.8-billion. This would involve a massive government effort to speed up processing, housing, feeding, educating, and tending to the healthcare of these newcomers, which would be settled in voting districts with majority Republican voter registration. Staffing this new federal program would require hiring a minimum of 13-million new federal employees, with priority given to unemployed recent college graduates with degrees such as Female and Gender Studies, Victimization Logic, Climate Change Data Manipulation, and White Privilege Blaming with preference given to Saul Alinsky Scholars. The program will not only be the largest virtue signifier ever to come down the pike, it will eliminate unemployment of all those people who have nothing at all useful to contribute to our economy.
Day 3—President Clinton issued an Executive Order removing all elements of the “so-called border wall” along the U.S.-Mexico border, and re-assigning members of the Border Patrol into Welcome Wagon Greeters. All Border Checkpoints would be remodelled into modern, fully-staffed Service Areas featuring free food, fuel, drivers’ licenses, Social Security and EBT cards, complete with birthing facilities and changing stations. Unofficially referred to as the Hey, Look—No Wall Initiative!, it will also eliminate any trace of the “so-called” border on Google maps.
Day 4—In response to reports that Iran launched a fusillade of ballistic missiles in the previous 48 hours, in blatant violation of U.S. and UN Sanctions, the President announced the formation of a team to study the situation and report back to her within 120 days with a range of options. The President said she will immediately dispatch a Special Diplomatic And Entertainment Mission consisting of Bill Clinton, Tea Leoni, James Taylor, Jane Fonda, and the Rockettes along with a large RESET Button “to demonstrate to them that we are not fooling around."
Day 5—The President issued an Executive Order directing the immediate closure of all coal mining activity in the nation and the re-training of all unemployed miners as Barristas at the Howard Shultz School Of High Moral Ground Coffee.
Day 6—Based on credible intelligence reports warning of a possible terror attack on the homeland, President Clinton called for the immediate imposition of Martial Law and the detaining of all High-Risk Terror Suspects, consisting of all known and suspected conservatives as well as all members of the conservative media. All will be placed in newly-created Reverend Jeremiah Wright Re-Education Camps conveniently located in various inner city sites around the nation.
Day 7—In a special ceremony in the Oval Office, President Clinton announced that she is nominating former President Barack H. Obama as a Justice of the United States Supreme Court. She called the ex-President “a distinguished legal scholar and lecturer, who exemplifies the very best of American values and good taste in music and is fully in the mainstream of all those people I know and socialize with.”
And that was just week one. Be thankful, my friend. Be thankful.