"Practice makes permanent."
"Push through this! You guys can do this!"
"Be more open..."
Throughout my three years of practice, competitions, and bonding with the Sachem Marching Band; I've heard these words said from the staff to the drum majors that have come and gone.
The first year I joined, I was like a closed book. Didn't talk or try to make friends, but I did keep close to the few people I did know there because they were friends with my boyfriend at the time. I was really nervous that I wouldn't be able to fit in or be able to get any work of the flag work right.
I was really reluctant to even join because of my doubts. Alex convinced me that I would be alright. "I'll be there for you, even if you feel like you're not getting it." is what he said to me just so I could join it. But, even though he was there, I still freaked out a bit...
Band camp comes around. Its like we were in the desert. The sun beating down on us while we learned drill and a bit of flag work/dance for the color guard. The heat was getting to me; I couldn't get down the small amount of work we were given and I just feel like I'm going to burst into tears from the stress of it all. During dinner, I finally broke down. I go to our band director and said "I-I don't think I'm meant to do this... I can't get anything down and its messing with my emotions too much..." He brings me out into the hall and talks with me a bit. He saw potential in me. He was able to convince me to stay and try harder.. (Especially since the color guard only had like 10-12 people in it, so they really needed people part of that section at the time).
Eventually, I was able to start spinning, tossing, dancing and marching at the same time as the band season went on. As that happened, I slowly started to believe in myself. I thought "If I can do this and deal with whatever is tossed at us, I can probably do anything." I started believing what everyone was saying; I became more opened, stronger, confident and was able to push myself more to get stuff done. I was ecstatic with myself and so proud...
Even the tradition they did after every competition and practice had me build up my self-esteem a bit. We would all huddle around our drum majors, they would call us to attention and shout to us questions while we shout back to them, getting louder and louder...
"How are your feet?"
"...Sachem! How are your eyes!?"
That was my favorite part of our chant. It meant so much to me, especially with how much I changed throughout these three years of being part of something more than a marching band. They were like a family that supported each other and will always be.
Because I was able to be part of this family, my eyes have pride now and so much more...
I pick this piece to put into this portfolio because I spent three years with the Sachem Marching Band; its something I am going to miss, a lot. It made me feel like I was part of a big family that was functional. We all tried our best to do something great and we showed just how much ambition and hope we had for it. It was just fun. I am more then proud to have been part of this school out of all the school distracts I've been to just to be in this marching band.
The Simple Girl Isn't That Plain
I am a simple girl. I day dream, play video games, hang out with friends. I am slow at understanding stuff at times, and go to school just like anyone else my age does. People probably look at me and think that I am just another nobody. Someone that they could pick on or use until I am no longer needed by them. Never once did they think I could have my own problems. Why would I anyways? I'm just a puppet that refuses to show my problems to this world as much as possible.
I am over emotional, a freak, crazy, a person who can't even think straight without my "medicine." My mind races with my own thoughts and the voices in it. They never stop talking. Whether its one at a time or just all at the same time, it's never truly quiet in there. My head spins with such negative thoughts. It makes me want to dive head first off a cliff. To where I feel like I am never alone. My mood changes so much to where I don't even know how I feel. I go from being depressed to feeling at least normal. Maybe a bit overly happy, but never to a full out "I'm on top of the world" feeling.
"If you showed any of this, no one would stay. They would just go back and leave you behind once more. No one ever cares to see pass the fake emotions you put out for everyone." That is part of what I hear everyday basically. I know that is a lie. The people who have stayed and saw this do care, MORE then I will probably ever really know...
Even though I have these problems, my own illness, it doesn't mean anything. They are things I refuse to have take over my life. To every single negative thought, every voice in my own mind, every time I finally feel like me, and to every time I feel like I can be more then what I think, I will not let it control over me anymore. I will let every single thing be expressed, even if I can't tell how I feel at times. I won't let anyone have me as their "puppet" any more. I am much more then just a simple girl.
I am just me...
I decided to put this piece in because I was thinking so much back on my past and just how I was fighting my own current problems. Writing this just made me think a lot on how I didn't want my problems to control me and how I just want to be seen as more then simple to a lot of people.
How Would You Deal?
How would you deal if you woke up one day feeling like you wanted to die? You can’t get out of bed; your emotions don’t feel just right and for no good reason at all. You feel worthless, empty, pathetic, weak, etc.; like no one cares about you one bit. Even if you knew this was all a lie, you have no choice but to believe it. Those thoughts and voice in your head is all you hear to make you believe it’s true. It nags at you constantly until it makes you break down. You try to hold on to yourself, but you just fall farther in to the abyss. You feel so chained down to the point that you feel like you’re drowning, but there’s no water around you. You’re choking on the air you breathe and the thoughts you hear every night as if it was a broken record by now.
How would you deal if you just wanted to dive head first off the edge of this god forsaken world to never return? Even if you still want to live, you already feel dead on the inside, so why not just make everything go away as it is now? You want everything to end as soon as possible. The voices in your head just keep getting louder and louder; telling you that you shouldn’t even be around. That you were just a mistake that happen. That you can’t do anything right. That no one loves you, that all your “friends” are using you. You feel disconnected. All alone, but yet not quite since all the voices you hear can’t leave you alone. But soon, those demons end up making you harm yourself. “You don’t need to look nice. Just destroy yourself slowly if you can’t end yourself~.”
How would you deal if someone you knew killed themselves from feeling this way? You never knew they felt that way though. All they said was that they were fine, nothing is wrong. They were just tired. The cuts were from an animal or some other excuse they thought would work. All they did was use up all their energy to seem like they were “ok”; to show some kind emotion, even if it was fake. They didn’t want to feel more bothersome even though they already felt like they are. But you, you never noticed. Even though if you just looked into their eyes, you could see they were just screaming for help. Sending out an SOS in every facial expression, in the sound of their voice and the way they acted. They might have not said anything, but yet they were. But yet, no one came to help them from their own mind.
So many people feel like this, but never come out to ask for help since they just feel like everything they think might be right. That they actually might deserve this misery. Even if it’s all lies made up in their head, it’s just so true to them. The littlest thing just causes them to have their head spin endlessly until they either give up this life, or finally say they want help. They feel like they are just holding onto such a thin piece of thread, that it could just snap at any moment. The weight they burden from everything is trying to pull them down into their darkness. It’s sad to think about. But, it could change if they are able to pick up some kind of weapon to fight these monsters away. “It will be good eventually, even if it never feels like it will be…”
So, how would you deal if this was you? Would you throw yourself to these monsters that will drag you into your own hell? Or would you be the one to fight them off? To conquer your own mind and to save yourself from this madness. It is your choice after all. Your story to write; you can decide whenever to end it. But yet, what’s the point in doing so? You’ll miss so much in the world. It might not be the greatest place, but it is still so beautiful and so wondrous. There is just so much to look to look for. So hold on. Wait and see just how much you can change things, even if it’s the smallest thing; you matter. No one is not here for no reason after all. You are meant to do something, even if that’s to just change one person’s life in some way. You matter, you have a purpose. Keep on living, no matter how much it hurts to. You can deal with this. You can get through these dark times. You might be tearing at the corners of your mind, screaming and shouting for a way out of this, but you can only get help if you reach out to someone. Just try to believe and think positive. You got this.
-Sincerely, Someone Who Cares
This was my extra credit piece. I put this in here because when I was writing it, I wasn't at my best. I wanted to write something that could kind of explain how I was feeling, but yet send out a way to say things will be OK. So, I wrote it as a letter, kind of. It helped me a bit by writing this, so, it means quite a bit to me.
Many moons ago, a man sat idly by with a large jar of pickles he just purchased at Costco for the low price of 13.49; the pickles were Kosher Dill and they had quite the crunch. The man sat and watched the 2007 film Ghost Rider starring Nicholas Cage. The plot was good, although it seemed to get lost in the middle and tired to balance a romance and an action movie at the same time. Suddenly, the man's film was interrupted by a loud crashing noise from the bathroom. The man clutched his delicious jar of value sized Kosher Dill Pickles tight and went to investigate the strange noise. He ventured into the dark room, armed with nothing but a jar of pickles and hope. He entered fearing for his life, but all he saw was his mischievous cat, Mr. Buttons, had knocked over his porcelain soap dispenser again. It was completely shattered. The man bends over to pick up his cat, forgetting that he had the value sized jar still in his hands, the pickles and all of their sweet and salty goodness spilled onto the bathroom floor. Angered that he had just wasted 13.49 plus tax, the man proceeded to clean up the bathroom. He slowly picked up the pickles, sobbing as he threw each one in the trash, or so he thought. A pickle had escaped his grasp by sliding into a small slot behind the bathroom's sink counter. The pickle, cold and alone, counted its days until something amazing happened. Ten years later a war had broken out, the pickle loving man had been called into service and the pickle was still behind the counter. Suddenly the war had escalated beyond a point anyone though it would. Word on the street was nuclear weapons could come into play; And on that fateful day of January 7th, 2064, Nicolas Cage's 100th birthday, the nukes dropped and I was born, the almighty Picholas Cage. With my home bathroom destroyed, I've set out to find a new bathroom to be the guardian of. But more than that, I've also set off to find the pickle guy as well so we can start a new life together and a new bathroom to call home.
Now this story, this one was quite an interesting story my friend and me came up with. I didn't know what I should do for my picture piece and was telling him about it, so he told me I should do it on the one above. He helped me with this story and I probably wouldn't have gotten a grade for it if it wasn't for him. So, that's why this master piece of a story is in my portfolio.
My Years Throughout High School
Wow, its been a quite the journey throughout these four years of high school. All the people I've seen come and gone, all the fights that have happened and just all the emotions that have happened in such a short period of time. Thinking back on it now, I'm going to miss it. But, I think I like my last year of being here the most. Yea, I got to meet some cool people in 9th grade, but a lot of them didn't stay, yet also, some of them did. The people that I have in my life a this moment in time, they are much greater then how it was in the beginning. I got to meet my best friend in 9th grade, but we didn't talk for reasons. We just knew of one other, but now, Lisa is basically at my house almost everyday. Its like she lives there. I would of never figured one of my old friends ex's would become greatest friend I've ever had in a year worth of just talking. I got to become closer to a lot of people I knew of in 9th grade that I never said a word to really. It feels nice to have come out of my shell a bit. If I could redo high school again with these people, I would probably try better to talk earlier then now. But it's okay, its better to start late then never. If I also redid high school, I would probably try to get better grades then already have had. I wasn't the greatest when it came to that part in school, but all my teachers seemed to have liked me, so I must of done something right along the way at less to where I can call myself a decent student. Over all though, I'm very proud of my school years. Even though at this moment I am excited to leave this school, I think I might miss it. This was my last school distract I'll ever have been to. Its crazy to think that for me. Time has just gone so far and now, I'm leaving for good. I'm very lucky to have got to meet the people I did and I will cherish the memories I've collected always.