Wow. OK. It's Wednesday. I've been super busy this week. For the first time in the storied history of the Steven Peeler Newsletter, we missed our Monday deadline. We would like to apologize to all of our loyal readers who have supported us over the past few decades. I'm talking about people like: Susan, and Bill. They've been with us since day one, and deserve a round of applause. [Please rise from your chairs and clap for these people who do not exist.] Thank you. You may sit back down.
We lost 15 sponsors as a result of this. Both local, and national sponsors. Brands like: Super Tasty Water Company, One Headphone, Friendly Slideshow INC, Basketball Nets, Mystery Blanket, Non-Sticky Glue, Paragraph Airlines, Nancy's Dynamite, and Soup. Yes, we were sponsored by soup. Soup: I guess I'll have it. If you would like to sponsor the Steven Peeler Newsletter, simply write your own newsletter explaining why your money is cool.
Why have I been so busy? Meetings. I feel like I'm permanently in a meeting. I'm having meetings in my dreams. The weird thing is, my dream meetings are more productive than my real meetings. I knew I should have gone to dream college. They have such a historic advertising program. I feel like I've just become an email. I live in an email. Do emails have good views? Which email has the best school district? I wonder if my emails talk to each other? Do my emails have meetings? How much more obscure can I make this paragraph? I need sleep.
SO. MANY. MEETINGS. I've already met all these people, why do I need to see them every single day? (I like all these people, they are really cool. They're also the only people who read these newsletters. But can we not meet every day? Nothing significant has changed in my life. My name is still Steven. I still wear shoes. And I still like blinking. That's all you need to know about me.) I'm literally writing this newsletter while in a meeting. (Sorry, Sharon.) I have no idea what she's talking about right now. If it has nothing to do with me, then I don't pay attention.
I need a body double. I need a “Steve” A Steve is not quite as good as a Steven, but they still get the job done. It’s the knock-off store brand version of Steven. They still make jokes, and write copy, but it’s just not quite the same. All Steve has to do is sit quietly and nod his head for 45 minutes, and make occasional witty comments to his peers. (I'm a simple man.)
I think I need an assistant. Or maybe a personal driver. I live on campus, but I would really appreciate someone just standing outside my building asking me if I needed a ride. It’s the thought that counts. If you would like to be my fake personal driver, please write your own newsletter explaining why your car is cool.
High school did not prepare me for meetings. There were no mentions of meetings at any career fair I attended. (I attended one career fair.)
How should you deal with being busy? I don't know. Please stop asking me. I'm too busy to answer that question. Option one would be to not do anything and sit in a chair all day and breathe quietly. That actually sounds super fun and relaxing right now. Another option is to have everyone follow you everywhere you go. If you have class, have the class come to you. You can still learn science while you're getting your haircut. There's plenty of studies on the topic.
Meetings need to be more fun. Let's have more meetings on trampolines. Let's have more meetings in front of a live studio audience. Let's have more meetings on boats. Let's have more meetings on planes. Let's have more meetings on boat planes. Let's have more meetings at concerts. Let's have more meetings at the opera. Let's have more sky diving meetings. WEDDING MEETINGS ONLY. I only will meet with you if you are getting married. I'll officiate your wedding. It's better to multi-task. I can tell you about our social media plan, and you can say your vows. Efficiency.
Newsletter over.
See you next week.
Credits:
Created with images by rawpixel - "untitled image" • rawpixel - "untitled image" • kalhh - "rose background excuse me red rose i" • Alex Iby - "The Ring" • Darius Bashar - "Flying Man" • rawpixel - "untitled image" • Marvin_SNCR - "model man people" • why kei - "Hand on steering wheel" • FrankWinkler - "fair fairground ferris wheel carousel kettenkarussel folk" • Nick Karvounis - "untitled image" • Marius Muresan - "untitled image" • Tim Mossholder - "We’re Closed"