Step 1: Greeting your Owner:
This is an essential part of being a cat. It's simple but crucial to your success as a feline. When your owner returns home be sure to walk directly under their feet. This is the best way to get their attention and is a sure fire way to be acknowledged. The number of times you brush up against your owners legs depends on how long they were gone. Use your best judgement in these situations. The key here is knowing that your owner will do everything in their power to not step on you.
Disclaimer: If you trip your owner run and hide. They can't get mad if they think you are hurt / scared.
Step 2: Beg For Food
Even if you don't want it. Even if you only intend to lick and sniff it before leaving it uneaten. This way no matter what your owner eats you will be able to fully inspect it. This also works when you want snacks. I've figured out where my owner keeps the snacks so all I have to do is sit in front of the cabinet and stare at my owner. If your owner refuses to share their food, then your best options are to continue trying to be sure that your intentions are known.
Step 3: Cat Naps
These must be frequent and on any possible surface. Cats need to build up their energy for running around the house late at night. Any surface works well but the best spots are high points and on your owner. Before settling down be sure to knead the spot violently. Disregard any protests from humans. Some of the best cat naps come from impeding your owners tasks. Thats why my favorite spot to sleep (other than laps) is the computer keyboard. These naps can last anywhere from seconds to hours. Below is an example of me sleeping on my owner, preventing him from doing this project.
Step 4: Bath Time
A clean cat is a happy cat. Your owners are less likely to attempt to wash you if you keep up with your own hygiene. Bathe whenever you see fit. Sometimes you can even attempt to bathe your owner if they allow you. These baths can last anywhere from minutes to hours depending on preference.
Step 5: Be Cute
This one will get you just about anything you want, but it's one of the most difficult steps. Timing is everything here and you need to read the situation before deciding if cuteness is going to work. If you ever want to be allowed on the table, or successfully beg for treats then you have to master this step. Purring and big eyes are one of our best weapons. Correct use of these tools will allow you to curl up and take a nap on just about anyones lap (For more about naps see step 3).
Step 6: Capture The Red Dot
The red dot is by far the cats biggest enemy. It has evaded the best hunters since the beginning of time. My best advice here would be to drop everything, disregard all rules, and chase it with all your might. Below is another example of my futile efforts to capture the red dot.