Being a cat is not easy, like everyone thinks it is. Of course, that everyone is a human so they don't actually know. There are tips and certain guidelines you have to follow as a cat or you will be killed. LOL I'm not kidding. I guess I will cut a tiny sliver out of my very busy day to help you learn the complexity of being a cat. Your welcome.
#1: Where To Get The Zzzzs
The best places to sleep is a warm and comfortable spot. I.e.- vent, DirecTv box, on your humans legs (cause for some reason they won't move a muscle until you leave), on your cat scratcher (if you have a big fancy one), around Christmas under the tree, etc. You can sleep where ever you want when ever you want.
#2: Massage Please
Figure out fast which one of you humans are best at petting. Usually its the older humans like the mommy human and the oldest kid human. The designated petting human knows what you like and what you hate. So whenever you need a pet, go up to the designated petting human and let out a little meow and rub up against their leg and let the pets begin!
#3: Master Minipulator
If your humans have a dog, make sure it knows who's king/ queen of the house. (Aka you) Let's be honest here, dogs are dumb. They do whatever they are told. Us cats are well educated and have a mind of their own. Manipulate that dog into becoming your slave. Trust me, life's more fun when the dog is you slave vs some moron who thinks it's hilarious to chase you around the house and sniff his butt. And to be honest, dogs are freaking scary. Which is why you have to manipulate them into thinking YOU'RE the scary one.
Boxes are awesome. If you see a box, it is a gift from God. Sit in the box. Chew it. Rub your face on it. Whatever. Boxes are probably the best thing on the face of the earth.
#5: Aren't We Just Adorable?
Us cats are cute no matter what we do. Puke in the middle of the living room floor on the brand new carpet? Your human won't be mad at you, not even for half a second. Get into the human food? Your human will think that's cute. Scratch up your humans new shirt?? It's okay, they will just get a new one. You are cute no matter what you do, keep this in mind when you are planning a murder or something cause it's okay since you are adorable.
#6: More Please!
You will learn to love human food. Gold fish, chips, cookies, etc. Having cat food all the time gets boring. Human food consists of all different varieties of foods and flavors. So when your human is eating, stay close for one of two things: 1) your human drops a crumb on the ground or 2)you meow and they give you some food.
#7: The Bigger The Better
It's okay to be fat. Humans think fat cats are cute. So don't be self contentious because you are prrrrrfect!
#8: They're Always Watching...
I have no idea why, but humans LOVE watching cats. They think cats are just the funniest things in the world. Like I said, EVERYTHING a cat does is just so stinking cute! One day you too can become famous just by falling off a ledge and having a funny face when you land. Or for whacking a Christmas ordainment off the tree and getting scared when it falls. Basically do something dumb and you will be famous.
#9: Go Away Before I Rip Your Face Off
Your human will bug you. Ignore him, he will leave you alone. BUT IF HE DOESN'T, plan b is to hiss at him and he will feel bad.
#10: GET HIM!
If you see a bug, a mouse, a string, or a little sparkly ball, chase it. What you do with the object after you catch it depends on what the object is. If it is a... <Bug: put it in your mouth, then realize it's super gross, spit it out and walk away.><Mouse: catch it, kill it, and give it to your owner as a gift. They will love it><String: catch it. IT WILL GET AWAY. Catch it again. LOL it will get away again. Jokes on you, your human is just being a huge butt face and thinks you enjoy this. Jokes on them. Walk away><Sparkly ball: Poke it. When it moves, pounce it. Wack it. Bite it. Continue this cycle for about 5 minutes before you realize that this is just another STUPID TOY your STUPID HUMAN thinks you will enjoy. Jokes on them. You hate it because it's annoying.> Oh. And P.S., the red laser on the ground is another stupid freaking human toy. Ignore it.
#11 :Uhhhhh No Thanks
Guinea Pigs are Satan. They are so annoying. Their squeal will pierce your ear drums. Even your human will think they are annoying and pay little to no attention to them. But beware: guinea pigs are scary. DO NOT approach them. Not only do they use their smell to keep you away, but they have these creepy, little black eyes that just stare into your soul. Just beware.
#12: I Don't Even Know
This image above is a perfect image of how to eat cat food. Don't ask me why. In fact, don't ask anycat why because nobody knows. It's just how it is. Do it.
#13: The Great Escape
Have an escape plan. I guarantee you will have an annoying human who will never leave you alone. Have an escape plan. Here are some examples that will end up helping you one day... *find a place where that annoying human cannot get you. somewhere high or somewhere that human isn't allowed**have a couple good hiding places around your castle**run near an older human who will tell the annoying human to stop**know the annoying humans schedule and plan accordingly* And THE ABSOLUTE LAST resort: run to something, like a mattress or your cat scratcher, that you can dig your claws into and hold on for dear life.
#14: They Don't Hate You
Your human knows what you do for them. They are thankful for you. ALWAYS remember this. Because you are a strong, multi purpose cat and you rock.
#15: Happy Hour
Be annoying at night. Night time is the most boring time so be super annoying. Meow as loud as you can. Rub your face on your human just to annoy them. "Accidentally" whack them with your tail. Night time is the best time to be annoying. Especially because your human will still love you in the morning.
#16: SHARE THE LOVE
THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE~ (THAT'S WHY IT'S IN ALL CAPS) LOVE YOUR HUMANS. THEY ARE YOUR FAMILY. THEY LOVE YOU WITH ALL THEIR HEART, SO YOU DO THE SAME. BECAUSE YOUR HUMANS ARE FREAKING AWESOME! <3
PS: You're welcome again
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