Lord of the memes. By Joshua Baker

Introduction ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

One day in a stinky soggy Dorito smelling apartment in the middle of Chicago there was a guy named Bert. He was pretty overweight and was on his computer to much. He only went to sleep 3 times in a week. The only time he would get out of his chair is to go to the bathroom or get food or to walk 3 feet to his bed. He was always on the internet and always was on somebody's youtube channel talking trash and constantly telling them to KYS (KYS means kill yourself) but he did not really mean that but he is kinda dumb so he does not really know better. But one day his life changed when He was on the computer for 663 hours and his brain changed. His brain was absorbing the internet and almost entirely became the internet. He became the “The Evil God Of The Memes.” His mission is to destroy and replace the people of the world with Memeanators. His weapons are the “Mean Comment Gun” it shot depression. He also has a cape that is covered with bullet proof memes.

Chapter huan

One day Bert was flying in the sky shooting people with his MCG. Everyone was super sad until Dan The Meme Lord appeared out of thin air and in the middle of traffic (by accident). But he was a good meme god. He also had his sidekick, Pepe. His job is to trigger SJW (man haters). He also fights bad guys alongside Dan. He is a big frog. Dans powers are summoning good memes. And also has his handy dandy Bass Gun, it shoots bass. But anyway back to the action. Dan was flying towards bert at 500 miles per hour. He swooped over to bert and gave him the biggest kick you will ever here about. But he missed so bert got away by teleporting to his own secret dimension. Dan says loudly, “DANG IT OH MY FLIPPINGing CRAP.” You can replace those blanks with what you want. Swearing is not allowed at school. Use your imagination and that's basically what he said.

But while Dan was swearing his head off, Bert was thinking up a plan while he was eating large amounts of Doritos and getting fatter than ever before. He thought up a plan that would turn the world into his own mega city. He would suck up all of the water into one humongous water tank and would force all governments into giving the power of control all to him. Otherwise if they did not follow his request he would not give them water and everyone will die. This is his first step to world domination and the first step to turning everyone into Memers. This is bad and Dan needs to stop Bert.

Chapter Tu

3 hours later: But little did Bert know Dan was at his own lair (Parent’s garage). He was building some new gadgets. You might be thinking, “But author he has powers he does not need gadgets.” He does not have offence powers so stop whining. So he was trying to build some designs like his new idea, “The TT-74” This gun can take any caliber just by replacing the barrel. This was a must have weapon so he does not have to worry about the cost of ammunition. He also made a grapple just incase his powers are not working. And since he can't fly fast under water he made this super complicated item called the, “B.U.T.T” stands for Big Underwater Teleportation Tool. And lastly he built a wristband that has a durable compact radar which helps find bad guy and evil memes.

Chapter Thry

But at this point he is outside of the “lair” and is taking an Uber ride to work. About 15 minutes into the drive and he sees this really strange worm plummet from the sky and into a lake. Therefore he jumped out of the car and bounced on the ground a few times and then he flew towards the worm. And as came closer to the worm he noticed that it wasn’t a worm, it was a giant tube. And it was sucking up all the water in the lake! So he flew as fast as he could and realized he was slowing down more and more by the second. He saw a bright light in the sky where the tube was coming from. So he tried his best not knowing that he left Pepe at the lair. So he teleported Pepe to himself. And as he was nearing the light he saw large room inside of it. And finally he managed to get into the room.

Surprisingly it was very dark inside of the room considering that he got here by going to the light. He did not find a portal to heaven thats for sure. So he turned on his night vision and stealthily sneaked around the room for clues to find out what the room was. Finally he found a light switch after like 2 hours of slowly crouch walking around in the room. He flipped it up and a few seconds later realized how big of a mistake he just made in that moment. He saw a long hallway with turrets and and traps. Also found a painting of donald trump for some strange reason. But that doesn't matter. The point is is that there is pepe taking cover behind a wall and turrets and traps and death and stuff. So it was very dangerous. So in his head he thought up a plan.

Step One: He needs to teleport past the traps and stuff near the door .

Step Two: He needs to get his phone out and disable the turrets by hacking them. He needs to do it before they detect him.

Step Three: Dan needs to shoot the traps to activate them and that’s it.

So Dan followed through and is now walking through the door and into the next room.

The room is filled with buttons and levers. So he pulls the lever at the front of the room and the wall in front of him lifts up to reveal a large window where you can peer into to see a torture chamber. He is horrified to see that Pepe is shackled to a wall and suspended from the ceiling. And next to Pepe he sees Bert Except this time he is wearing a big cape with a big red m on it. In Dan's mind he assumes that it stands for meme. He is interrogating Pepe about the location of Dan. And right when Bert was about to burn Pepe he noticed the window was open and he could see Dan. and in that same second Bert teleported. Along with the window opening Dan noticed that the there was a staircase down to Pepes location. He sprinted down and realised Pepe. He asked Him, “Are you okey Pepe!?” He is very beaten up and covered with blood, and cuts into his skin. He slowly dies in front of Dan slowly but surely. And when he finally is completely dead you see an orb covered in dank memes. It exits out of the mouth and falls onto the floor. Dan is confused because after all Dan thought that he was dead. But he was wrong. All of a sudden the orb turned into a frog and the frog summoned a unicycle. The Frog is about 7 feet tall when he is on his unicycle and he also lets of green smoke from his skin. And then dan remembered. This new meme that Pepe has morphed into is (drum roll please) DAT BOI. or the longer version HERE COME DAT BOI! He is one of the most powerful memes capable of destroying houses by kicking it. So after that they ran out of the chamber and into the next room were they finaly met Bert face to face.

Chapter 4

Bert talks to them and says, “You know what I'm trying to do yes? The 2 heroes look at each other and nod up and down a few times and respond with,

“Yes we do Bert and we will stop you, we know we will after all we are meant to be.”

Bert was confused.

“What do you mean you were meant to be?”

“Well we are the same person. Except I'm now 10 years older than you.”

“ What how, h-how is that even possible I don't believe you you are crazy.”

Bert was so confused he ran away by creating a portal and guarded it with internet trolls. But I mean since Dan is more powerful he just shot em with his TT-74. And he sat down to tel DAT BOI the real story behind Dan and Bert.

Chapter 5

It all started like the beginning of this book. Were Bert was trying to turn everyone into memes and so on. But lets just say that about 3 hours from now i teleported to new york i messed up the calculations so i landed in the middle of traffic. And as you know that's how the reader that is reading this book first saw me. But my point is is that i time traveled back in time to stop myself from destroying this world.

DAT BOI respond with, “Cool bro, so that means we should stop yourself because from what i see in that portal in front of us you Bert or Dan or whatever you might want me to call you now, is killing everyone.

“Oh yeah we should probably go deal with that.”

So the two went off to fight him and stop him. They got through the portal and started trying to pin him down well except DAT BOI he was trying to stop the pipe from sucking up all of the water. As Dan was approaching Bert, Dan was changing he grew bigger and more powerful than ever before. He evolved into BILL! Bill rushed to Bert as fast as he could at the speed of a bullet from a 50. Cal sniper rifle being noscoped into the air. He went so fast that his pants almost fell down but luckily he was wearing a belt.

And finally he smashed his fist in the ground like superman. And he broke it. “CRAP!” he yelled loudly because it hurt a lot. He used his powers to heal his hand quickly with only a slight side effect of really small baby hands. Literally baby hands. But anyway I'm getting off track. This is the second attempt he met with himself kinda sorta because he evolved a few times.

“Finally we meet again Mr. Meany Pants or shud i say MR MEMEY PANTS!”

Bill burst out laughing

“You realize you also a meme lord, right?’

“Oh wait i guess we both are made of memes. But anyway i'm here to stop you!”

“Well looks like I’m here to stop you from stopping me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Bert laughs maniacally.

But his laugh is interrupted by a hard kick to the stomach and a swift uppercut to the chin! Bert spawns a Toxic Meme Cloud/Fart to his dimension and location. The cloud temporarily blinds Bill for about 5 seconds which Bert uses to his advantage to get a shots on him. He punches to ear, eye, and the lower right side of Bill’s jaw. Bill is severely injured as he realizes how much that punch loosen up the jaw to the point of having trouble speaking. He also can barely hear and can't see through one of his eyes. He casts a spell using one of his special meme spells that uses up a lot of his fighting stamina. But it was worth it because now he can speak and here better. Bill is REALLY angry and puts Bert into a Fireman's Carry (wrestling move, Ill put a pic after the story.) and SLAMS him down so hard his spine breaks and his legs become paralyzed. And at this moment Bill puts his fingertips onto Berts forehead and transports as much good memories and good memes into his head along with proof that they are in fact the same person. When Bert finally is refocused he does not try to fight back but stares at Bill and says (prepare for cringe)

“Thank you.”

And Bill heals Bert and changes his name to Dan. After that he sets him on a journey to the past chicago to save himself. So he proceeds to the traffic and attempts at kicking himself. And fails miserably.

I could not find a REAL wrestling firemans carry that was labled for reuse. Just look up wrestling Firemans Carry.

Works Cited

Chicago. Digital image. N.p., n.d. Web. 1 Feb. 2017. <https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/80/CTA_Brown_Line_060716.jpg>.

Fight. Digital image. N.p., n.d. Web. 3 Feb. 2017. <https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/64/Generic_Fighting_Video_Game_(with_outline).svg/2000px-Generic_Fighting_Video_Game_(with_outline).svg.png>.

Garage. Digital image. N.p., n.d. Web. 1 Feb. 2017. <https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f1/Garage_door_opener.jpg>.

Room. Digital image. N.p., n.d. Web. 3 Feb. 2017. <https://c2.staticflickr.com/4/3522/3934285538_5459568245_z.jpg?zz=1>.

Superhero. Digital image. N.p., n.d. Web. 1 Feb. 2017. <http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/pictures/180000/velka/mutant-superhero-10.jpg>.

Uber. Digital image. N.p., n.d. Web. 3 Feb. 2017. <https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/dc/Uber_ride_Bogota_(10277864666).jpg>.

Villian. Digital image. N.p., n.d. Web. 3 Feb. 2017. <https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/af/Villainc.svg>.

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