After watching ABC's Imaginary Mary last night, it reminded me of my proms. Yes proms, since I went twice. But here’s the story about my Karma, or as many call it now having a Hans day !
I was 16, I had my brand new 20 year old yellow 69’ duster that wouldn’t start as soon as a tiny little drop of rain fell on it. Naturally it was out of the question to pick up Mary in that car. So, after many hours of negotiation with my dad, I was able to exchange his new Mercedes just for that one night ! Naturally, I had to make many promises, that I would later not respect.
One of my friend, seing I was not thinking of going to prom, decided to present me her friend Mary, from another school. She kept saying we would be so good together! After a couple of parties, we decided to go to each of our schools prom. Mary found my clumsiness very funny, and I found Mary very gothic, intelligent and under that black makeup, very sweet and cute. Her prom was first and I had mine the following week. So, we decided to attend both, but naturally there was no way Mary would keep the same dress, I mean if anyone could see her twice in the same prom dress, she would have probably had an instantaneous combustion, and we surely did not want a second Carry prom ;-)
Anyway, for her prom, I had everything figured out. I had my dad’s car, got new clothing, yep not a guy thing but wanted to make the best impression. My teenager mind was focusing on swiping Mary from her feet, and that she would go out with me for real. That day, I went to my friend Candice, her father owned the most hip barber… oups, I mean hair salon in the downtown Montreal area. Just sitting down at the salon, and looking at 8 year old magazines would cost you a fortune. But, since I was a good friend to Candice, this beautiful energetic, very intelligent little blonde girl with green eyes, with a French accent to die for, yes I know she was my crush, but could not tell her, so ended up being that good friend you can say anything to, that would listen while dreaming of running in the Alps hands in hands yodeling ! But that’s not the point. So Candice offer me a free make over. She was starting out, and at this point getting a hair do over by a novice on prom night should not be a thing to brag about. But it was Candice, and I couldn’t just say no! I therefor sat down on that ohhh so comfortable chair, and was given a shampoo and rinse that I would have shivers for the rest of my life. Candice proceeded with the cut asking me what style I preferred, like I would know that ! The only thing that came to mind was Don Johnson style, since Miami vice was THE best show of all times, well for a 16 year old that was. She started the trim, and lighted up the electric cutter, and I was simply in heaven, until I heard that grrrrrrrzipp,, followed by a Oupps, and then, by a general laughter in the salon. That couldn’t be too good right ! Candice stopped laughing when she saw my reflection in the mirror, and started stressing and apologizing. She had shaved a 3 square inches hole in the back of my head. Her father came, smiled, and say no problem that a master like him could not fix. So, he grabbed some hair on the ground, went in the back room, came back with some spray on glue, you know the one to make collage’s with. He then proceeded for a full hour working in fixing that spot, he knew that I had a prom, and he felt bad about having this incident in his renowned salon. Before I left, he recommended I did sweat too much and that this should hold for the night, Candice made it up to me by a long hug and a small kiss on my cheek that dissipated all bad vibes I had for this small hair issue. 3 hours left to picking up Mary so I started stressing, speeded true a residential zone to pick up the flower corsage, got a $80.00 ticket coming back from the flower shop. Got out of the car to discuss with the agent that abruptly explain to me to Stay in the car. Sat down on the flower corsage and the pin enter my soft right bum, and must have touch a nerve since it hurt like crazy and my eye started twiching. Went back to the flower shop, explained my incident, the women laughed and made me 2 new corsages just in case. I the car, I was ready, all pretty and all. So, direction Mary’s place on the mountain. Pickup an extra speeding ticket 80,00, by the same officer, that could not believe I would drive the same path and get stopped a second time at the same speed. I arrived 1 hour early, and started to get very nervous. While parked in from of her house, I took a small sip of water, but the bottle that was under the first flower corsage had a small hole from the dam pin. Water was sprinkling all over my pants. I started to rub them so that I would not look like I just did not incontinent. During my rubbing phase, a lady walk by with a big dog, she seemed very disturb until I understood what it looked like. I brought my car window down, and started explaining that it was not what it seemed, but too late she rushed up the street looking a bit panicked. Well, the most important was my looks at that point, so rubbed on for a few more minutes until the water mark didn't show, and headed towards Mary's stairway to heaven ;/) These 30 steps seemed like hundreds, the last few ones, I felt my heart pounding out of nervousness and just before I rang, I forgot to breathe, and almost chocked on my gum, reverted a few steps, trying to pass the gum like a cat trying to pass it’s long overdue fur ball. A lady walked up the stairs. Yes, the one that was thinking I was most probably a sexual depraved maniac. She realized I was choking and gave me a tap in the back catapulting the piece of gum on her dog's tail. I was the only one to see it, so I said to myself let it go. I then explain to Mary's mother, yep, her mother, that I was just drying my pants in the car, because of the water, and she stopped me, and sarcastically explain she was very scared for her girl tonight. She then open the door, and ask me to come in, I remembered leaving the flower corsage in the car, so I excused myself ran down the stairs, and back up again the stairs all sweaty but ready ! At that moment I encountered Mary’s Father, The army kernel ! So son what are your plans ? I answered : " Going to Mary’s prom, I mean getting her safely to the prom, not that I am a dangerous driver or anything ". I then grabbed the corsage, and gave it to her father, not seeing that the two speeding tickets were glued to the bottom of the box. Son, what are those ? You are not dangerous, two speeding tickets in 1 hour ? I suddenly felt very small, I could not answer, so I did what I do best, created a diversion, and ask Oh I see your dog as a gum on its tail, so I move forward to remove it, the dog starts barking after me, and her father takes it in the back while her mother screamed at Mary that she better hurry up and come down.
Mary appeared on top of the stairs, and at this moment , the sound went suddenly numb, I could not believe the change from her gothic look to this princess in her scarlet dress with her plunging cleavage, her mother of Perl neckless and matching hearings that highlighted a perfect dark hair montage. I could see a glow around her, was it her Aura? Was she the one? The one that I would have my kids with? She slowly descended the stairs, and I could smell her perfume that was just of the perfect intensity. I could not move while Mary coasted down slowly the stairway. She approached me, and on the top of her toes kissed me on both cheeks. I could not stop fixing her face, those perfect little hazelnut eyes, that vibrant red lipstick popped her lips like a ripe fruit, and highlighted her pale skin. Her father quickly brought me back from my cloud, and asked at what time I planned to get her home. And from my brainless immature sense of humor, responded never sir, never, we will be riding off into the sunset, that’s when I saw Mary smile and giggle, and mentioned that I was such a romantic. But my joke was not getting to her father. He asked me aside, and dictated his rules, back by 2 Am, no drugs, no liquor, no fast driving (giving me back the flower corsage and the two tickets.) I could just answer Yes Sir, and I am sorry for all the issues, I am really nervous. He nodded with eyes ready to unleash their missiles strike, and directed me back to the entrance. The worst moment was when I had to pin the corsage on her breast area. I was shaking, I slowly put one finger under the cleavage under the eyes of both parents, and tried to pierce the gown, but it was so thick, I force the pin the hardest I could, finally getting through the dress and naturally, My finger. I backed off on the dog, pulled the dress to reveal a bit too much of Mary, and the dog reacted by biting me on the behind, just enough to make me understand he meant business. Mary’s put her hand on the exposed skin, while the flower ended up on the floor, where the dog picked it up and ran away with it. Mary was laughing so loud, she could barely speak, that’s you Hans so gallant yet clumsy. I then remembered the second flower corsage just in case, that saved my day. Her mother took care of the installation part. After her parents finished taking millions of picture, we finally left, and I finally got to open Mary’s car door ! On our way, Mary spend her time redoing her looks in the mirror, talking about all her great friends I would meet, and how exited she was to see how her ex boyfriend would react to our entrance at the prom.
Arriving at the hotel, were the prom was taking place, the valet rushed to take my keys, and we were off to make our grandiose entrance, I mean we looked hot ! We took place at table 13, hmmm, but don't worry 13 as always been a lucky number for me, well until I went to get some punch and the table leg did not want me near it, so it decided to fall on me, flooding my pants why gallons of the precious nectar. I didn't need presentation after, all Mary's classmates knew who I was. I isolated myself in a washroom, and the hotel staff was nice enough to take my clothes to the laundry and give me access to a room for a shower. After an hour I was back on the dance floor all preppy and new. I joined Mary's group that were now shoeless, forming a circle with a pile of purses in the center, because that's how you hit a dance floor in the eighties. After making a few moves, the moment all of us were waiting came. The slow dance. Started by "Never Say Goodbye" followed by "Careless Whispers" then "I want to lnow what love is", during the first I was holding her about 3 inches away, and Mary started to get closer and closer. At a point were we were one, I could feel each inches of Mary, all her curbs. I started to slowly pass my fingers on her back, very gently, we were cheek to cheek, and I felt Mary turning her head gently, while caressing by back, and just at the moment when our mouths were about to meet, her hand passed on my special spot in the back of my head, the glued hair must have not like the shower since a big clump of it came off, Mary surprised seing my hair in her hand push me back, I stumbled and barely stayed on my feet when my pants came down in the middle of the dance floor, revealing my new Star wars fruit of the loom. This was the longest moment of my life, suddenly everyone started laughing, it's him, Hans again, oh my god, star wars special editions. Now most people would have ran away, but with my Karma, you could have said I was immune, but this time, just about to get my first real kiss, I pulled up the pants, and headed out slowly but with pride and style. Waited for the end of the prom by the fountain, since I didn't know what else to do. Mary came out, I tried a joke, but she stayed cold and said she was not very impressed. I drove her back home while the radio was stock on love songs, but Mary kept silent. At her house, I went to open her door, but she slammed it before I got to her, and told me I had ruined her life ! I asked her with a weird smile asked : "So I guess next week for my prom, it's out of the question? " she never responded. I went on the mountain, at the look out, siting on the from of the car, looking at the sun rise, while most other couple were at it full speed. The song "I can feel it in the air" came up, and I raised the volume and started dinging along, and suddenly I felt like I was the King of the world, I realized nothing would ever be easy, and that to make it through these rough moments, I would need to be able to laugh at all these bad vibes and transform them into positive thinking ;/). The following year I would meet my real true love, the mother of my three children, and that love would last for the next 24 years ... But that's another story !
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