Can I advocate for taking walks? I can? Thanks boss! OK, here we go. Walking is fun. And that's all I have to say! Thank you everyone! My new book Walking is fun will be out next month! However, you can not order it online, you can only buy the book if you walk to the stores that have copies. You'll need video evidence. Anyway, I find taking a walk very relaxing. I can wander around the city, and see buildings that I will never go into. I also love waiting at stop lights. (I'm a very interesting person.) It's a nice little surprise each time the walk signal comes up. It's saying, "alright, you guys are cool, you can come over here and hang out.”
Walking is a great way to get some exercise. (Am I being paid by the World Walking Association? No, of course not. Why would you ask that? But walking is way cooler than running. My words, not theirs.) You don't have to sweat! I mean, you can, sweating is not against the rules. (Editors note: Sweating while walking was briefly against the rules from 1980-1981 but was overturned after a 7-2 Supreme Court Decision.) It's a great way to exercise without realizing your exercising. And isn't that what we all want? To not know that we are putting effort into something? That's the real American Dream. Will your legs feel sore in the morning? Probably. But they will write you a thank you note. Here is a thank you note I recently received in the mail from my legs:
Dear Steven,
We would just like to thank you for taking us on a walk yesterday. It had been awhile since we had seen Downtown Portland, and we were anxious to know if anything had changed. Turns out, everything was exactly the same. Oh, except they are opening up a Zara at the Pioneer Place Mall. (Are we being paid by Zara? Of course not, but Zara is way cooler than H&M. Our words, not theirs.) Our recent walk helped us mend our relationship. As you know, the two of us have not been getting along recently. Left Leg was thinking about moving to New York, and as you know, I want to stay here in Portland. We weren't really speaking to each other, only pleasantries when you would put your socks and shoes on. We talked it out, and it looks like we both want to go to New York! I hope you do too, because if you don't, then our dreams will be crushed. No pressure! Anyway, thanks for the walk! Let's do it again some time. You can add us on LinkedIn if you'd like!
Aren't they the best? I swear they need their own show. But that's the power of walking! It can rebuild a relationship! (Also, I am thinking about moving to New York, but don't tell my legs. I want it to be a surprise when we get off the plane. Also also, did you know if you have talking legs that you have to purchase two extra plane tickets? It's ludicrous. Call your local congressperson and let's get this straightened out.)
You can walk anywhere! You can walk to your friends house, school, to a food place, to another food place, to another another food place, and you can walk home. (Which is just a fancy word for a food place.)
The ultimate goal is to be able to walk on water. Is anyone reading this able to walk on water? If you can, please let me know. I'm trying to start a walk on water Olympics team. We would win gold because they would literally be no other teams. Did I just imply that I already know how to walk on water? Yes, yes I did. But what evidence do you have to prove me wrong? While there is no video of me walking on water, there's also no video of me not walking on water. Think about it. OK, enough thinking about it. Case closed.
Well, that's all I have to say about walking. Bye.
See you next week.
Credits:
Created with images by Clem Onojeghuo - "The streets are paved with Fuschia" • Serghei Trofimov - "untitled image" • Alfons Morales - "untitled image" • RyanMcGuire - "balloons party girl" • rawpixel - "typewriter old alphabet" • Yucel Moran - "untitled image" • Rustic Vegan - "untitled image" • Marco Sartori - "jumping in the water" • Tyler Nix - "untitled image"