There’s nothing more frustrating than an intelligent man being perceived as stupid when he is being observed and seen to be struggling with something others take for granted. I take no pleasure in being perceived to be stupid or struggling in an area of occupation that is a weak point of mine. And further more I’m a big believer in the “Hawthorne effect”.
Imagine a funnel at the front of your head, the aperture of the smallest end is equal to the flow rate, most people have a flow rate that allows the information entering the end of the funnel to pass through neatly and controlled. Not me. I get a huge blockage of visual/auditory information and it overflows and spills, loosing some information in the process. But information keeps coming and the funnel blocks even more, the highway trickles through into my brain with parts of the information missing, I then have to start again to get the bits I’ve missed, and the cycle continues. It’s like swimming through cement swallowing damp dust. It frustrates the hell out of me. When you see me looking at a computer screen or written words... it’s because I can’t get them to leave the page and enter my head. And when they do, bits go missing.
Work and me
If I’m going to be giving my life and time, my skill sets to another human it has to be either truly appreciated and or reciprocal, and.. spiritually/soulfully nutritious. It has to mean something and not lie. I won’t pretend in work. I’m not a false person and I will not accept a lying work place. A work place should be one of ease and joy, inspirational leadership and nurturing. A place where you can truly work hard and honestly.
The Emperors Tonic
Profound questioning has made me realise I do not need leadership. I am
my own leader under Jesus Christ. I don’t need leadership or institutionalised doctrine to drive my everyday living. I am
autonomous and capable. I am free by my obedience to God and my real world skill sets I’ve acquired that allow me to have real world experiences that are completely outside of the dependency of others. That isn’t to say I choose to be alone all the time or share what I have with others, it just means I’m free of the dependency of others.
Disalusionment is something that happens just before your eyes open. What then happens is magnificent.
My name is Stephen John Bradburn, although I've not been formally "diagnosed" as having Depression, I'm fairly certain, NO! I know I had issues!
What KIN happened? Where did it start? Where did I go wrong? WTF is this about?
"People are born with equality. That's not to say everyone is equal."
I was born into a service family life, my dad was Royal Navy and fought in the Falklands Conflict whilst mum fought at home raising me and my brother. I had a happy childhood but even then I was fuzzy in the head, perceiving myself as separate to everyone else and different. I grew up angry but never knew why, but I was never a bad lad, I always stood on the side that was right as I had been taught and learnt to cut off my nose to spite my face early. I wasn't afraid to make unpopular decisions even then.
"A prospering lie becomes the weapon of the murdering fool. If you allow a lie to go unchallenged it becomes the only truth."
"I have enjoyed my life in as much that I have enjoyed my capabilities. But I have not enjoyed being a capable man in an incapable world."
At school I was part of an experiment that the Government where conducting "free thinking" and I went through my primary education doing what I liked and as I was an artistic/creative type I drew and made things, but never participated in the educational fiasco with my piers.
Schooling and education was by and large a very destructive experience for me. I couldn't add and didn't understand much of what was being put before me, though I kept going to school everyday and daydreamed. I didn't understsnd any of my educational experience and it was input from teachers that labeled me "Thick" and “stupid” that further made my withdrawal inevitable. On completing and failing my final exams and finishing school I was released upon the world with only an O’level in art. It became apparent that I had a good and natural way with the physical world and three dimensional problems. I became a window fitter and fabricated boats and also many other things like tree houses and cabins. but still struggled with people and worldly issues, administrative processes and the like. I gradually became more troubled and yet more creative gaining a partial diploma in music from the London musicians indtitute in 1992 and starting a music/arts project for people with special needs, my faith was restored by working with these people. People others had classes as "disabled" I found to be the richest human beings ever. My landlady approached me and noted I had similar traits to her son....Dyslexia! And advised me to get a diagnosis, which I did, and off I weant, at the age of 29 to see a renowned lady called Sue Payne. It felt like a light bulb coming on and an instant relief when I was formally diagnosed with Irlene Scotopic Sensativity Sydrome. It felt like an answer had been given. I became more creative and yet more restless. I got married and left to travel, completing the Camino De Santiago De Compostella in the Holy year 2004. I then made a pilgrimage to Japan to the cave and grave of Myamotto Musashi. (I had also already gained Dan grades in martial arts)
"You oppress truth and order with the vulgarity of man made laws. Then use those laws to strike at those you oppressed."
"The removal of the truth will eventually result in the belief and subscription of any lie in its sted, made plausible and sustained by devious means."
I returned to the UK to complete the Three Peaks Challenge in 23 hours. I became more restless. I struggled holding down work and relationships and sought answers and creative events. I moved to salcombe after several months dealing with youth crime in staddiscombe On arriving in salcombe I quickly progressed and acquired a large amount of skill and ability but was frustrated by the rich upper class assholes that frequented the town in the holiday season. I became a ferryman and mechanic/crew on Salcombe lifeboat and even went in to cover lifeboat stations. I further obtained my Yachtmasters 200 and worked offshore as vessel master for several years within the wind farm industry., SAR and tug boat work. Developed a great ability and affinity with the role of master and loved it, but became dissmade at the. Co-operate bullying from the likes of BP, Centrica, Dong, RWE all of which I still hold the vessel logs for. These people are not interested in humans. Only profit.
Fifty now. Fifty years old. Who’d have thought it. I still struggle with my demons but I’ve got a handle on them these days. Got asked to model for a shoot the other day. Scott Williams was the photographer and the above images are his work. Awesome guy.
i quit working offshore and found work as and when. Rekindling my passion for photography. Which I became even better at. Settled in salcombe with a girl who's insecurities shattered our relationship after I got into shooting models.
bought a caravan and lived in a boatyard chasing the dream of making a living out of it. A string of broken relationships and jobs and anger issues with chest pains. I was so angry and I didnt know know why.
I still get angry at the injustice and lies, the corruption everywhere and the greed I fuckin hate "business" I've seen nothing but the pusuit of disproportionate wealth in the name of “business”. Our leaders are corrupt and our banks too. I'm still so fucking angry. And there is nothing I can do.
I used to really struggle i really did. I'm closer to failing society more than ever. I really don't fit in at all. I'm incredibly intolerant of other peoples rudeness and idiocies. I'll die alone and broke screaming. My relationship with God has been damaged and I just don't get the point of being here anymore. I just want the end to come and it to be finished with. There is seemingly no place in this world for people like me. I'm done. This could be very well my last rant. My last voice and cry out in a sick sick society.
It’s 2019 and I now live in a cabin in the country. I’ve installed a wood burner and built a kitchenette and porch. I grow my vegetables and cook slow stews. I’m better these days. I’m still searching for the ideal job for me, one that uses all my skills and doesn’t contain people that talk down to me or micro manage me. The cabin for me is everything I have dreamt of. It’s perfect. Just the perfect occupation now. And that’s it. Life’s a lot better.