Eja's Story Shame in Appearance

It has taken me 18 years to feel comfortable enough in my own skin to raise my lowered eyes from the floor, and establish myself as an equal among others. Inferiority inhibits your speech, your thoughts, and your appearance.

For as long as I can remember, I have been ill-fated with the plague of inferiority. I would pummel into self-deprecation if anything or anyone drew negative attention to me, or sometimes any attention at all.

But... I hid it well. Sometimes I could control the turbulent thoughts of doubt and shame that would mold the brighter parts of me.

I hid it well enough, most would never have thought I was self-conscious or displeased with myself.

Honestly, I don't believe I am an unattractive person. But no matter how many times you tell a woman she looks beautiful, it will not raise her self confidence. Its her self worth that needs to be considered beautiful.

Without that, she’s just a pretty picture. In my case, nothing held me back more than my own insecurities.

My Senior year of High School, a little bastard that goes by the name of acne decided to play a role in my life, a big one at that, one could even say it stole the lead.

In a matter of a mere month, it had conquered my face, taking my self-confidence along with it. I would wake up in the mornings, look into the mirror, and just stare.

Making eye contact with myself, I would over analyze every part of my impaired skin, and every day come to the same conclusion… “I am disgusting.”

Once I could stare no longer at my ugliness, I would apply concealer and foundation thick enough that I felt like I could show myself in public. Not even my father knew what I looked like without an artificial skin. I was so embarrassed, and felt so repulsive.

I was so unconfident of how I looked, despite the fact that with makeup I really didn't look all that bad.
But all I could think of while someone looked at me, or spoke to me, was if they were actually looking at me, or at my acne.

It was debilitating. It was self-cruelty. It controlled me.

Because IF I was confident enough in my appearance that day, it was only THEN I was able to use all my strength to muster up enough courage and confidence to raise my hand, speak, and be present.

But if I didn't even feel comfortable being looked at, how could I ever feel comfortable in my own skin?
So before you judge a woman for being “vain” or “self-obsessed”, try and remember that it's not always the case of overconfidence, but maybe a lack thereof.
It may be their way of trying to get over their personal shame. They are trying to love themselves. Try to see that from their perspective.

Fortunately, I was able to find a treatment plan to hinder the worsening of my acne and begin a healing process. After a couple of months, all that remained were scars.

Am I embarrassed of these scars? Yes. I still cover them.

But I am slowly accepting how I look with them. It will take time, and over time the scars will fade, and they will become unimportant.

But whether it be an internal scar due to heartbreak or shame, or an external physical scar, it becomes a part of who you are.

It’s a mark that shows that you were stronger than whatever it was that tried to bring you down.

It’s ugly, but it’s essential. And it’s yours.

Whether you make it into a badge of strength, or your achilles heel. Its up to you.

Eja

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