38 Pounds of Cheddar Vermont country store ENGAGES IN OVERKILL

I’m a cheeselover. Aren’t we all? But, really. Isn’t a 38-pound mother wheel of cheddar just a little over the top? I don’t care if it’s “Aged Artisan Cheddar From The Heart Of Cheese Country” or not.

You heard right. Thirty-eight hefty pounds. Almost as big as that wheel they stole off your car when you parked in that “up and coming” neighborhood. You should have known by now never to trust realtors.

Bigger than your spacesaver spare even.

"Okay, fella. Hold it right there and watch out for the forklift."

Yes, that great wheel-0-cheddar is one of the items featured in the latest Vermont Country Store catalog. Yours for only $399.95.

My left brain swung immediately into action: You could get a hernia simply hoisting this sucker onto your nearest cutting block, it warned. Do you have any idea how many boxes of crackers you’d need to accompany this baby? (Hint to shoppers: Castleton Artisan Crackers now available for only $8.95 per box; buy 2 save $1 each. Better order a truckload.)

According to the accompanying description, this is enough cheddar for 308 grilled cheese sandwiches or 600 cheeseburgers. Not that we’re planning to do much grilling in January. I guess it would make one helluva Super Bowl Party. But we’d have to rent Foxboro Stadium to hold it. Or the nearest armory.

C'mon girls, we're behind quota. Chew faster.

Now I’m wondering, is this considered normal here in New England? I know Vermont … green grass … contented cows … milk rich in butterfat … heart of cheese country … aged … artisan … I get it. But do people routinely order entire wheels of cheese this size? I realize that we’re relative newcomers here, but who even has room in the fridge for a 38-lb wheel of anything? Unless they have a spare unit in the basement just for their collection of aging cheese wheels … or sides of beef. We had a 24-lb turkey in ours recently and that was pushing it.

Since we’re not planning on throwing a party in the foreseeable future for 600 of our closest friends, and we don’t operate a food truck, we’ll have to pass.

According to the product description, this baby “makes a wonderful gift, great conversation piece.”

You're not going to eat that whole things without offering some to me, are you?

I’ll bet. I can see it now. The UPS guy wheels this up in a hand truck, dumps it on your doorstep, and does the “Sign here.” Excited and curious, you open it up only to find … Mt. Cheddar staring you in the face.

I have an idea the conversations that follow won’t be the ones the people at Vermont Country Store had in mind.