"Why Are You Like This?" a true story of how i write

"Why are you like this?".... this is a phrase that circulates through my mind on repeat basically every time I've had to write a paper ever. Particularly when I'm sitting on my bed at 10:36 two nights before my five page paper is due, trying to balance my laptop and more importantly a plate of pizza rolls on my lap to keep me from having a complete breakdown. I probably have around two pages typed out, but it might as well be a blank screen because what I have written is literally so bad I'd be embarrassed to have my dog read it.

*Me after doing the bare minimum*

That being said, I like to compare my writing process to the Kubler-Ross model of the five stages of grief.

My first go-to move is quite similar to Anne Lamotte's. I stuff my face with the remaining pizza rolls that are now cold and kind of disgusting and then go off and do just about everything but my paper. So basically this is the stage of denial.

What paper?

This could include a range of different fun activities, such as dusting my ceiling fan, reorganizing the family shoe closet, scrapbooking, knitting a hat, fixing all the crooked pictures around the house, browsing cute puppy boards on Pinterest, the list is endless. It's really quite exciting to see how many ways I can come up with to waste my time.

This goes on for a while.. basically until I start to notice how screwed I am. Panic starts to set in, there's a period of cussing out the assignment, tears are shed, and I start to make deals with God for snow days in exchange for me not getting road rage on the way to school. So you could say it's a mesh of anger, bargaining, and depression.

*Me when I come back from procrastinating and realize the paper hasn't written itself*

After I get over myself and realize that none of this is actually going to write my paper for me, I sit back down and start googling the shit out of things. I'm usually good at getting things done under pressure, so I whip out a decentish draft.

Then I like to do this thing where I hit print and pretend the assignment never existed.

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