I wrote this article/blog/diary entry almost 2 years ago. But here it is:
“Amazing Grace saved a wretch like me. I was a wretch that didn’t want to be saved. I feel like a wretch now that I have been saved. I miss the illusion I lived. In those lying moments, I loved the illusion of love and dreaded the reality of loneliness. I now live in reality and though I was saved I feel alone. My mess seems to be living well, whilst I tuck myself goodnight and watched each second go by scrolling up and down profiles of those I haven’t blocked. It sucks it really does. How could something temporary feel so good? Yes I miss being in my world of deception because it made me feel good.”
I’d be highly inaccurate if any of you have never even slightly felt that way. Speaking for myself, I have. If God wanted me to feel happy, He’d leave me in the situation that makes me feel happy, right? WRONG. God never intended for us to feel happy. Yes I just felt someone doubting this already …anyway I mean it that was never God’s intention for us to feel happy, feel loved, and feel appreciated and to feel good. God’s desire is for me to BE HAPPY, BE LOVED! Feelings are temporary you see. Your situations, "your person" made you feel a certain way. You even made them feel a particular way. If I may ask, do you miss how they made you feel or them? For me, it strangely made it clear why I’d miss a "bad" person who once made me feel good. I don’t miss them, I miss how they made me feel, and perhaps no one at that point makes me feel like that. And I found myself getting scared, thinking if I’d ever find a person who would do so. But see now, like I said, God is all about permanent states. The Kingdom of God IS love, peace and joy. It doesn’t make you feel loved, feel peaceful and joyful, but you become so.
Permanence requires patience. We have to wait a little longer for our nail polish to dry and add extra coats if we intend for it to last. What more with people, we have to wait, make sure we are strong to go on to the next stage of our lives. He/she may take a while, but going backwards or rushing, may be just our flesh craving for temporary states. Yes it does suck! But I’ve heard it’s worth waiting for. (Whatever it is you are seeking). Grace would not save us or rescue us so that we enter an even worse situation. Grace is unfairly fair and that’s why it’s so amazing! No I’m not a wretch now, but I was a wretch because I thought I was living when I wasn’t, I thought it was well when I was blinded. I pray that God allows you with time to see why things happen the way you do.