ANA By Kaylee p.

Chapter 1

I was trying to steady myself. It’s been a few days since I last ate more than 300 calories, I’m incredibly dizzy because I’m having my first ever fast. I stepped a few feet and I flopped down on the bed, I had already lost over 2 pounds in the week I’ve been lowering my intake so drastically.

“You should really stop eating those chips, each has like 20 calories in them. You don’t want to get fat, well...fatter.” Lily laughs “Just kidding Kitty! Anyway I have to go, cheer meet!” She stands up off the ground, waves to me, and walks off. I go over to the mirror above my dresser and look at my stomach which was pushing my shirt forward. I am so fat. I can’t be like this!

I open my eyes and realize it’s dark out, I must have fallen asleep. I look at the digital clock on my dresser, it’s 3:05 AM. Great I missed a full 6 hours. I change into my PJs but no matter how still I lay I can’t fall asleep, I was thinking about my dream. It was so vivid, it was as clear as it was the day it happened. I could feel the drop in my stomach. I started thinking about anything but that day. I finally fell asleep about an hour later when pure exhaustion took over, I woke up at 5:32 AM tired as I had been an hour ago. My stomach was cramping, I know this happens during your first fasts so I ignored it, falling back asleep when the pain died down. I opened my eyes again to a room that seemed wrong, I sat up and looked at my nightstand where my clock was supposed to be, but there was a only tray of food. I glanced at my closet door which was wide open.

“What’s happening?!” I exclaim outloud. I hear a noise come from the wall, it was playing music loudly. I woke up, It was a dream? I still hear the music! What is that stupid music?! I finally look over at my nightstand where it seemed to be coming from, I realize I had knocked my digital clock on the ground and now it was blaring the alarm noise I had set for Monday-Friday. I pick it up and stare at it, 7:34 AM on the dot.

I was still a little dazed from the dream when I walked downstairs. Seeing my mom cooking breakfast I immediately I felt a sickness in my stomach. I said my good mornings to her and avoided touching the food, I walk into the basement where I normally go to watch T.V.,today was no different. I sat down, turned on the T.V. and chilled for a bit. I saw a flash of dark after about 30 minutes and then I was laying on the couch, What just happened? I checked the clock on the wall, 1:30 PM. I felt weird, as if I was about to ride a rollercoaster. Then I saw Lily, I check the clock again 3:00 PM.

“What are you doing?” Lily’s voice says, it sounded familiar but it didn’t make sense. I see the scissors in my hand, I almost pieced it together when she spoke again.

“Why Kitty? Why can’t I just do this one thing on my own for once?!” Lily screams. I remember this day, it was our first ever fight. I was jealous, I had taken her cheer uniform she had gotten after she aced the tryouts and started cutting it. She had yelled at me for hours. I checked the clock again 6:23 PM, that was when the fight ended.

I woke up, confused as ever. That was the most vivid dream I ever had. I’m probably just a little bit dehydrated or something.

I chugged 3 cups of water. I wasn’t going to back down from this fast. I was doing good. I was determined to lose this weight. I walk upstairs, tripping on the last step and nearly falling over but I steadied myself and walked into my bathroom which had a scale.

I step onto the cold metal waiting for a number to pop up, 120.4 lbs. I did it. I reached my first goal weight. I'm not going to stop now I’ve already lost 3 pounds in just a day and a half of fasting. I'm so happy. I squeal a little then walk into my bedroom, laying down. I had suddenly become exhausted. While I was falling asleep I hear my own voice, but I wasn't talking. I had said; “Why?” and that's all I remember.

Chapter 2

I wake up to a blinding light coming from the summer sun, I smell bacon, and I realize I had slept all through the afternoon and into the next morning. Although that was surprising, it really wasn’t all that odd for me. I could a have a egg. I’m not going to gain anything if I eat that. But I might...

I walk downstairs smiling, still remembering the fact that I had lost a total of 6 pounds in just a week.

“Hey mom!” I say cheerfully at the back of my mom's head. “Can I have an egg?” I ask. She finishes up the eggs and grabs me my water.

“Thank you.” I say, kissing her cheek.

“You're welcome.” She looks my over “You look different, what's new?” I brighten at that.

“I actually have lost a few pounds, I’ve been exercising more.” I’m not lying! It's true, I have. A lot more as a matter of fact.

“Wow that's great honey, but you don’t need to get too serious about this, it’s not good to diet so young.” I’m tempted to roll my eyes at this but I just smile instead. I start to feel dizzy so I quickly finish up my egg and chug down my water so it will stop. But it doesn’t. My stomach is churning Why did I even eat anything?, I stand up and go into my room as quickly as I can. Mom must be confused, she doesn’t understand her messed up little girl anymore now, does she? I try walking over to my bed so I could lie down for a second but my body beat me to it, before I could even get halfway across the room I black out. I feel a sharp pain run through my shoulder before my eyes glazed over. I awoke, or seemed to at least, in my bed. I could feel the blankets draped over me yet I still felt cold, I look over at my nightstand, the clock that was normally there was knocked on the ground playing that annoying song that wakes me up Monday-Friday. Then I wake up on the cold, hard ground. I realize the phone is ringing and pick it up, still confused as ever.

“Hey Kitty! I’m coming over today just by the way.” Lily laughs “I’ve missed seeing you, this summer has been crazy so far. I’m going to drive over soon.” I smile, Lily may have said some bad things about me but they were just jokes… to her at least. No she thinks you’re fat, she thinks you should starve. Lucky for you, you’ll be skinny and you’ll show her that you are more than a fat girl. You’ll be skinnier than she ever was! I realize it’s been a little too long since she spoke so finally I say something.

“Okay that’s fine.”

“Do you want me to pick up some coke? Well, I guess you would want diet. Ha.” She thinks she’s so hilarious, wait till she sees you!

“Ugh whatever.”

“Sheesh it was just a joke. See ya soon!”

“Bye.” I hang up harshly, fuming. Shouldn’t have eaten that egg. I am so fat, so fat.

I walk downstairs to see my mother who was drinking a glass of milk.

“Are you okay, Kitty? You kind of rushed off after breakfast.” She asks as I walk in. Immediately I think up a lie.

“Yeah just forgot that I needed to call Lily about hanging out today, she’s coming.” I smile, my mother does one of her famous “I’m-not-sure-if-you’re-telling-the-truth-but-I-trust-you” smiles.

I go downstairs to watch some reality T.V. while waiting for Lily.

-15 minutes later-

Lily shows up at the door holding a big liter bottle of Diet Coke, smirking ever so slightly. I just roll my eyes.

“Hey Kitty! How’s the summer been going? Oh my gosh we have so much to catch up on! Let’s go downstairs.”

We walk down while she yammers on about how great her summer has been and how fun her trip to Germany was, etc. I’m not really paying much attention to her due to my brain pounding like a jackhammer inside my head. Finally I tune back into our conversation as I could hear her voice rising, meaning she was about to laugh at her own joke.

“And then he was like “You are so great Lily, I, like, need your number” and I just laughed like -ew- no. Acne alert!” We both laugh, although I think it was mean.

“So how’s your summer been going Kitty? Did you meet any cute boys?”

“Yeah totally, all the guys have been lining up at my doorstep while I sleep and chill on the couch. No I haven’t met anyone. I’ve just been sitting at home.” I roll my eyes and smirk at my own sarcastic little comment.

“Yet you still lost like 10 pounds, how is that even POSSIBLE. I’m like so jealous.”

“It was only 6 pounds, but thanks. It was just a cool diet I found online.” Lying again I see. You know what they say…

“I hope you’re being safe about this Kitty. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

“I’m being safe, It's fine.” Liar liar.

All of a sudden things go black and I’m laying on my bed. It's really hot, burning hot. There's a fire all around me. I jolt up and realize I’m still in the basement with Lily.

“You okay Kitty? You seemed a little out of it there.”

“Yeah just thought I saw something in the corner of my eye.” Pants on fire. I feel the heat again.

“Do you feel that?” Lily asks

“Yeah…” I trail off, I suddenly remember my hallucination

I grab Lilys hand and we rush up the stairs. There’s a fire all around us. I notice my mom kind of just standing there, like she wasn’t sure if it was real.

“Mom! Come on!”

I let go of Lily to grab my mom's hand, I hurry my dazed mom out of the house.

Wait!

I rush inside, the fire was furious. The smoke is burning my eyes.

“Lily!”

I hear a scream, I look at where it came from and see that Lily is trapped behind a wall of fire, raging as high as me. I rush into the kitchen where we kept the fire extinguisher, I run as fast as I could to put out the fire. I get Lily and drag her now unconscious body outside.

Then I pass out.

Chapter 3

I see a old door in front of me, blue paint was chipping off. I slowly step off the grass towards it, I’m at the door and I hold the door knob in my hand. I hear a humming from inside, I’m so curious I can’t help myself I open the door and… There’s a girl. No… not a girl, me! But yet, it’s not me. I’m deadly skinny, just skin and bones.

Hey! You found me! Finally, I thought that you had forgot about me. Sorry about Lily, but she was the one that made you this way, wasn't she?

“What are you talking about, what happened to Lily?

Oh you haven't found out yet. You’ll figure it out soon enough!

“What’s wrong with you?! You look...so… scary.”

What?! I thought you wanted this. Is this not what you were hoping for, starving for? Listen, I know you thought that the whole “hunger” thing was just some kind of quick diet, but let me tell you something. When you start it’s just a simple trick to lose weight. When you think that you’re ready to stop you feel disgusted by the thought of food. Once you start, you can’t stop. This is what you become. I am what you’ll be in just a few short months. After that all you’ll be is someone buried 6 feet deep. Are we clear? Are you sure you still want to skip dinner? Or do you want to go through that door and never become as beautiful as me?

I, or she, points at the door behind her, simultaneously glaring at me.

I wake up in a hospital bed, confused as ever. I remember the fire and I start moving my arms and legs to make sure I’m not hurt. I’m seemingly fine. I sit up, feeling a sharp zap of pain through my head. I notice the nurse call button on the stand next to the bed and press it. Soon enough a young nurse is popping her head into the adjacent door.

“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” she asks in an all too chirpy voice

“What happened to my friend, Lily Remz? And my mom, Ruth Long?” I ask, immediately the woman's face drops and I know something bad happened.

“Your mom is fine, but your friend…” She trails off

“What happened to her?!” I yell, right then I get a flashback to my hallucination “Sorry about Lily, but she was the one who made you this way, wasn’t she?”

“Your friend has passed.” My stomach drops and I feel my throat get dry. Oh well, she was just going to hold me back anyway. I scream, my head spinning.

I don’t say anything after that. I just sit here. My world went blank, then I was in the entrance of a door with blue paint chipping off. I turn the handle and there the skinny version of me stood for the second time. I step in.

Have you decided?

“I’ll stay here.” Then she laughs a cold soulless laugh. The kind you hear in horror films, the kind that sends shivers down your spine. I wanted to turn back and go out the door, to change my fait. But there was nothing anymore, I was stuck.

Good Choice.

I’m back in my hospital room. I realize that I’m not hungry. There’s a different nurse in my room holding a needle and a tube.

“What are you doing?” I ask, confused

“Oh you’re awake! Well I was giving you some food, the doctors say your calcium and nutrient levels were down to critical levels.” The nurse explains

“What?! Oh no, no, no, no! No!” I’m yelling but not necessarily at the nurse. I think I’m yelling at myself. I have food inside myself, I’m going to gain back everything.

“Calm down, if you didn’t get this food you could have starved to death.” I look at the nurse dead in the eye. I stare at her for a few seconds then I finally say

“That’s the point.” I say it so cold that it surprises even me.

About 30 minutes later I’m in a room surrounded two doctors, and yet another new nurse. I’m not quite sure what was happening. While all this was happening the little voice inside my head keeps talking. You have food inside you. You need to get it out. Get it out. You’ll gain back everything. Stop eating. Suddenly I can’t see anything anymore. I think I was asleep. I wake up later, no idea what happened. My mom is next to my bed whispering. I couldn’t quite hear what she was saying but she looked stressed, her head was down.

“Mom?” I see her raise her head, tears in her eyes. She hugs me.

“Baby! Oh gosh I had no idea I’m so sorry I didn’t help you. I should have known. You were beautiful before! I got you a therapist and nutritionist and you are going to get help, honey. I love you”

Instead of fighting I agreed, suddenly her being here silenced all negative thoughts I had. “I love you too.” There was a brief moment of silence before I remembered those doctors who were here earlier.

“Mom, what were all those people doing in here?”

She wiped a tear from her eye “They thought you were having a cardiac arrest but it was a false sign. I wasn’t 100 percent clear on the details either but besides your...problem, you were fine”

I smile at her and I realize in that moment that I was going to be alright.

Works Cited

ANA #1. Digital image. N.p., n.d. Web. 2 Feb. 2017. <https://proanalog.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/chant.jpg>.

ANA #10. Digital image. N.p., n.d. Web. 6 Feb. 2017. <http://maxpixel.freegreatpicture.com/static/photo/1x/Key-Gate-Open-Blue-Old-Door-Handle-Old-Door-1914612.jpg>.

ANA #11. Digital image. N.p., n.d. Web. 7 Feb. 2017. <https://i.ytimg.com/vi/tHKEG-HAtKs/hqdefault.jpg>.

ANA #12. Digital image. N.p., n.d. Web. 7 Feb. 2017. <http://i.ytimg.com/vi/N48mZDmuKMc/0.jpg>.

ANA #2. Digital image. N.p., n.d. Web. 3 Feb. 2017. <https://theproanalifestyleforever.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/tumblr_m6mqndfc661r5spupo1_500_thumb.jpg?w=870>.

ANA #3. Digital image. N.p., n.d. Web. 3 Feb. 2017. <http://cdn.quotesgram.com/small/81/96/1658904341-anorexia-anorexic-black-and-white-depressed-Favim_com-896362.png>.

ANA #4. Digital image. N.p., n.d. Web. 3 Feb. 2017. <https://theproanalifestyleforever.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/tumblr_llns22ctkz1qku9b9o1_500_large.jpg?w=300&h=225>.

ANA #5. Digital image. N.p., n.d. Web. 3 Feb. 2017. <https://theproanalifestyleforever.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/tumblr_lld1b0p2an1qk7m4ro1_500.png?w=300&h=180>.

ANA #6. Digital image. N.p., n.d. Web. 3 Feb. 2017. <http://img.picturequotes.com/2/622/621793/eating-disorder-quote-8-picture-quote-1.jpg>.

ANA #7. Digital image. N.p., n.d. Web. 3 Feb. 2017. <https://theproanalifestyleforever.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/tumblr_ll7ywfizqk1qk7m4ro1_500.jpg?w=300&h=277>.

ANA #8. Digital image. N.p., n.d. Web. 3 Feb. 2017. <http://i1.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article143854.ece/ALTERNATES/s615/image-1-for-coleen-26th-july-2011-gallery-647327051.jpg>.

ANA #9. Digital image. N.p., n.d. Web. 3 Feb. 2017. <https://static.pexels.com/photos/1749/fire-orange-emergency-burning.jpg>.

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