Broadway is the Worst Way, I Swear Holden Caulfield (transcribed by kara kirkus)

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like-- but I told you already, I don’t feel like going into that crap, if you want to know the truth. So I’ll just tell you about this madman thing that happened to me yesterday, after I got finished talking to this psychoanalyst guy at my new school. I’m supposed to go see him every week, and yesterday we sort of struck up a conversation. After a while though, he just kept asking me that same stupid question about if I’m going to start applying myself, and I mean that’s just a horrible question. You just don’t know what you’re going to do till you do it. It’s a stupid question, I swear.

Anyway, I was walking back from the psychoanalyst guy’s place, and I decided that what’d I do, I’d pay my kid sister Phoebe a visit. You’d like old Phoebe. She always writes new middle names for herself, every time I see her. She doesn’t like that hers is Josephine. She kills me.

Phoebe's skinny like me, but she's roller skate skinny. She's stubborn as hell sometimes, if she gets upset with me. She can be a true madman. But you really would like her, I swear.

I started walking down Broadway, and as soon as I turned on that goddam street I wished I hadn’t. I hated that street. It was full of phonies, and all those people who go to shows for fun, and laugh like hyenas at the stuff in the movies that isn’t even funny. You had to feel sort of sorry for them, in a way. But this time, Broadway was worse, and it wasn’t just full of phonies. It was full of the slowest walkers you ever saw, and three of them were right in front of me! Boy, were they slow. And I could hear them talking too, about some phony film they were going to see. You think if they needed to catch a movie, they’d hurry up a little, but it was like they just learned how to walk yesterday. They could hardly even move their lousy legs. I bet old Spencer, with his grippe and his Vicks Nose Drops, could walk faster than them. Boy, you had to feel sort of sorry for that Spencer. You really did.

I was starting to get real fed up being stuck behind them, so I started fake coughing loud so they’d look back at me. I damn near coughed all the air out of my body. After about twenty minutes of hacking up my lungs, they turned and I told them I was in a rush to get to the hospital, so if they could hurry up that’d be very appreciated. I’m a terrific liar, but I’m not too proud of that one. I swear though, lying’s in my blood. It’s awful. They looked scared when I told them about the hospital, and I guess they were slow with talking too, because none of them said anything. They just let me pass them. Boy, I hate slow walkers. If you’re going to use the sidewalk to go somewhere, use it quick, or else you’re gonna hold up the million other people behind you. It causes a terrific traffic jam.

Those slowpoke walkers caused a traffic jam worse than the one on the street!

Credits:

Created with images by The MisAdventures of Maja - "sundaystreets (9 of 19)" • tina244 - "roller skating outdoor activity roller" • dariorug - "Broadway" • chafleks - "london city london city" • Unsplash - "taxi vehicle road"

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