This hasn't been my first experience of the Black Dog and it may not be the last but, I'm trying to make more sense of it this time round, it appears to be trying to teach me something. Previous instances of it taking hold I've buried my head in work and tried to push it to the back of my mind. However, this time round I'm opening my arms to it and I'm ready to listen to it.

I've been attending Counselling Sessions since October last year and it's really helped to get my mind into the right place. I'm thankful for it and can only recommend talking to an expert to assist in recovery. They don't judge but, steer you in the right direction. Often I had the answers, just my metaphorical backpack was overflowing with what life has presented to me and I need to free up some space.

Reading, I began with Matt Haig "Reasons to Stay Alive". Reading Matt's side of his mental health challenges was really helpful. I feel really fortunate that suicidal thoughts haven't crossed my mind but, I can see why people go down that route, when the black cloud drops over you and won't shift, it feels like no light at either end of the tunnel, optimism is at an all time low / none existent and you just want to see some light. At my worst I've described it as complete nothingness, to not feel is indescribable, how else would you describe nothingness? Reading Matt's book helped to become more understanding of the depression, sort of embrace it and learn from what it's trying to tell me. One line that stood out to me was "You need to feel life's terrors to feel its wonder", I couldn't agree more with that. I've beat it before and come out better for it, I can beat it again. I just need to strip back the complexity of things, keep things simple and not overload my backpack.

I was tempted to move onto another of Matt's books but, a book I had on my Amazon wish list was on offer. I felt Matt had helped the depression somewhat and I now needed to push on, so what better than to pick a book called "Unf#ck Yourself" by Gary John Bishop. A Scotsman with a no BS attitude. I've seen one of his courses before on Creative Live and added his book to my wish list at that point, it was on sale for 99p, BARGAIN!!!!! I've covered 50% of this book so far and it's brilliant, I'm really intrigued into the though process behind what you're willing and unwilling to do. Surprisingly the unwilling stood out more to me and made me consider a lot of things in my life, work, and photography. I'm not willing to sacrifice time with family to up my photography business right now and for me that has been a hard thing to admit but, a need with the extra load we have on right now.