Australia, July 2015 Denmark my words

So by now, it was coming up for 7am local time. Boarding supposedly started at 0735 and I figure I'll eat on the plane rather than go to one of the restaurants here. In fact, I feel like a wander around the airport since it's kinda new to me (that quickfire change the previous Friday night didn't feel like a proper introduction).

There's a lot of people around and the shops are not desolate. It's daylight outside and this comes into the terminal. It's actually a pretty nice place, albeit just an airport. I guess it's similar to Hong Kong but without runway/apron views, and it's not as nice as Singapore. There are some fairly impressive art installations including a play area for kids, and a whole host of free-to-use big iMacs. Impressive. I look for my gate, C2, and it's pretty close and nothing is happening yet so I keep walking.

Halfway down the C pier there is a stall saying "last chance to buy duty free!", and then some more duty free shops further on. Then above me to my right some movement catches my eye. There's a monorail!

I walk further down, past about 20 gates, to try and find a way to get on it. I can't, and anyway I don't see another one go past. So I turn back a bit dejected and see one heading my way - hmm, it looks empty and all the seats are shrink wrapped. I think they are testing a monorail that isn't open to the public yet. Bastards. I'll test it if they like.

Back at gate C2 it looks like they are boarding so I go through the two desks, and discover they are not. Boading is meant to be done by zone: business class and people in low numbered rows nearest the air bridge, middling row numbers in the middle, them at the back next to the desk. This doesn't seem to be working because most people are up in zone 1. I wonder what strange language people seem to be speaking and take a stupidly long time to think that maybe it's fucking Danish.

Boarding is announced and they say only people with special assistance needs or small kids, plus business class (and shiny card holders) can board. About 40% of the gate area stand up and there is chaos as people try to get on, are denied, but then don't get out of the way. Someone is shouting "ANY BUSINESS CLASS PASSENGERS?" but they are hidden from view by the scrum. I don't bother trying to push through, just wait for it all to die down.

Soon enough I'm on and in seat 2A and really very glad to be there. Due to Ramadan there is still no alcohol on the ground so I get an orange juice and cold towel before we leave and set myself up with iPad, real pad, etc. Again i get personal introductions from numerous staff and give them my food order: bircher muesli and the cheese omelette wth beef please.

We take off and I dive back into my Brooklyn Nine Nine binge, finishing every episode they have with about 45 minutes of the flight left. Despite the much fancier hardware and software, the entertainment selection is definitely worse than on the 777 I got off earlier. Ditto the headphones, so I use my own. For the entire flight everything is almost too loud to bear, on the lowest possible setting above mute.

Doha looks kinda nice but kinda deserty.

Somewhere in there, I swear a see a football stadium.

I'm not sure what I expected Iraq to look like. It looks like this.

Once in the air I start with a pineapple and coconut smoothie and it is fantastic. Then I move onto champagne to go with my food and it's similarly fantastic. I take 15 minutes to rememer how to operate the arm rest, searching for a button repeatedly without remembering/noticing it's in the overall seat controls and very clearly labelled. We fly over Iraq. For some reason, I suddenly remember the thing on Kevin and Sally's fridge that was about a pizza making class where lunch was provided.

The cabin attendant comes to ask "do you need more champagne?" and I like her choice of words. It keeps coming, regularly but not hugely often, throughout the flight. With one of them I get a selection of terrble nuts.

Throughout the flight I play with the remote control and discover an absolute shitload of plane porn videos, but watch none of them.

When I have run out of Brooklyn Nine Nine (and been confused by the omission of episodes 17-19 in what's available) I watch two episodes of Flight of the Conchords while we descend into a rainy Copenhagen. The view has been nothing but clouds for the last hour or more of the journey.

Europe from above.

I was led to believe that arriving and departing passengers in Copenhagen all mix, so it's a bit of a surprise to walk a segregated corridor towards a transfer security screening area. For the first time in my entire life I take out some liquids and place them in a tray. Once through I am chatting to Helen on facebook and getting very confused and dazed by the state of the airport. There seem to be some gates where I am, but not many, and some passport control ahead of me.

In the end it seems the passport control gates are actually kinda two way, which doesn't make much sense to me. Despite having left the arrivals route to come through to here, I walk for about 10 miles through the departure area surrounded by signs to transfer and arrivals and exits, none of which point to the transfer, arrivals and exits I saw when deplaning. What?

Eventually I reach the Aviator lounge between the A and B gates. This is a lounge which lets BA's business class passengers and silver card holders in, but is shared by loads of other airlines and a pay programme (Priority Pass) too. I'm a bit surprised there isn't a dedicated BA Galleries lounge because there are so many BA flights a day between London and Copenhagen, but so be it. Besides, how bad can it be?

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