Too Nice to Finish Last A response to a previously written article

In a previous Squall issue, an article titled “Nice Guys Finish Last” contained some strong opinions about love and relationships that we believe to be misleading. The article stays true to its name essentially stating that kindness will get you nowhere with a crush. In the first paragraph, the article emphasizes that being a nice guy means you’re just “begging to be friendzoned.” But don’t drop your smiles and compliments just yet, because while the previous article blames your lonely Valentine’s Day on your own romantic efforts, we are here to put those rumors to rest.

You bought them flowers

Old Squall: “It’s obvious no girl wants the hassle of carrying something around all day. Duh. Furthermore, she now has to keep those things alive!”

New Squall: We carry a heavy backpack around all day, a small bouquet of flowers isn’t going to break us. Flowers are a cute way to tell someone you’re thinking about them and the sentiment that comes blooming in the flowers means more than the burden of keeping them alive. Know your boo, flowers are always a great idea unless they have an allergy or hate them, then I’d suggest to ditch the petals.

You paid for their meal

Old Squall: “Do you think she isn’t self-sufficient enough to provide for herself? You just made her seem like a dependent moron...Feminism, gentlemen. It’s a thing now.”

New Squall: Feminism is a thing, but it’s not so strict as to say we can’t have someone do something as simple as buy dinner for us now and again. We’re strong women, but sometimes we are also broke women. That’s just the reality. Paying for our meal doesn’t go unappreciated as we know it can do some damage to your bank account.

You left a gift on their doorstep

Old Squall: “By the time she finally builds up the energy to get up and collect it, it’s probably snow covered and a waste of her time. Once again, you’re making more work for her.”

New Squall: You went out of your way to get a gift, the least they can do is go out to grab it. Snow covered or not. But gifts aren’t limited to the door; romance doesn’t always have to be like a Nicholas Sparks novel, with a helpless damsel stumbling upon gifts from some strong man named Fabio. Gifts are never expected, but always appreciated.

You picked them up for the date

Old Squall: ”If she’s the one who drives, don’t whine when she doesn’t hold your hand. For those of you who have ever stepped foot in a girls car know we as a species can barely drive with two hands.”

New Squall: Clearly someone forgot about saying “feminism, gentlemen. It’s a thing now.” Oops. How dare you assume my driving abilities, I’m an Uber driver in the making. Holding your hand will not inhibit my driving abilities whatsoever, as it takes no attention away from the road. But sometimes I prefer to drive with my hands at 9 and 3. Frankly, I don’t think you will be whining later once she gets you to your destination safe.

You kissed them in the rain

Old Squall: “That was the most inconsiderate thing you could have done…The mascara you saw running down her face was actually a sorry mix between the rain and her tears.”

New Squall: We’re not witches, a little water isn’t going to melt us. Sometimes the moment calls for a cliche, movie scene. If both of you are feeling the love, don’t let a little rain kill the vibe. My mascara may not be cheap but a moment like that is priceless.

Old Squall: “After reading this article I hope you can go forth in this world feeling like a new, educated male prepared to break hearts because after all that’s what every girl wants right? Think twice next time you feel like spoiling her. Remember nice guys finish last.”

New Squall: I hope as you go forward, you feel properly educated and ready to woo your crush. No one wants to be brokenhearted, we all want to feel loved so there’s no need to be a jerk about it. The next time you feel like doing something nice for your boo, just remember you’re too nice to finish last.

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