Insecurity

Insecurity will destroy you.

Insecurity forms in the deepest pit of

Your body.

And it will tingle

And it will thump

And it will slowly crawl up your throat

Until you are choking back on words like

Ugly.

Disgusting.

Nasty.

Fat.

Too skinny.

It rips your happiness apart

And hides it from you-

Somewhere you cannot find it,

Because insecurity likes seeing you

Suffer and

Beg and

Cry.

Do not let it.

Take your happiness and store it

In a place you can easily get it from

Whenever you need it.

Tell yourself you are beautiful.

Stare in the mirror and choose one thing

You like about yourself, even

If it is as small as a freckle on the back of your hand,

Because even that is a start.

It is your body.

You have control of it.

Show insecurity who is stronger.

Show insecurity it cannot torture you anymore.

Because you are

Stunning

Just the way you are.

And I know you can do it.

Flicker

sometimes i like sitting by the window

and watching the flame of my candle

flicker

at an irregular speed

while the wind howls outside

and the rain slams against my window.

the wick curves and burns and bends

the wax now a burning liquid.

everything around me feels so untouched.

i am transported to another world.

i could get lost just in the smoke above the orange fire

as it floats into the air surrounding me

burning and burning.

Northern Lights

It felt like it was a dream,

It felt like

I didn't truly exist in that moment.

--

And my god they way you smiled up at the sky and absorbed the lights littering the night

--

The way your eyes reflected the mixes of purple and pink and blue

--

I didn't know what was more beautiful you or

The stars above us.

--

The wind blew by and our hair flung into our faces.

You laughed and it was infectious and next thing you know

We're toppled over into the tall grass now on our backs

Looking upwards.

--

I didn't want it to end.

Or at least not as soon as it did.

--

The northern lights were calling your name.

Doubts

empty.

the room was empty.

my eyes looked empty.

my heart

was not.

my mind

was not either.

my heart was heavy in my chest and it felt like it expanded because i could feel my heartbeat pulse in my ears.

my mind had thoughts running miles in my head.

is she better than me?

she must be.

her eyes shine in the light.

you used to tell me you loved that about me

but i lost the light in my eyes when i felt like i was losing myself.

her hair blows in the wind

while mine becomes a tangled mess.

you accepted my flaws,

but you can't accept them when you meet someone more beautiful.

right?

because i'll never be good enough for someone like you.

i don't know how you had convinced me otherwise.

but seeing the joy in your face with her

while i was home alone crying into my pillow

and punching walls

made me realize

i was delusional.

we weren't meant to be.

but you've taken over my body and creep under my skin at times like these

where i feel alone.

i can't tear you out of my veins

and i can't tear you from the pit in my stomach.

--

i hear the front door open.

i don't dare turn to face the bedroom door.

i stay with my back towards it, eyes directed at the dark blue wall in front of me.

maybe if i'm sleeping we won't have to talk.

i close my eyes and ignore your voice echoing through the house.

i hear your footsteps creeping towards the door.

i hear the knob click.

i hear the crack of the hinges and your sigh when you see me curled up.

you call my name.

i don't answer.

i think you'd leave me alone,

but when i hear you come closer and not only closer but in front of me

my heartbeat quickens.

i bite the inside of my cheek and breathe deeply.

you whisper my name and beg me to open my eyes.

you know i'm not sleeping,

you just want to know why i'm crying,

but you left me with my doubts,

you left me with my mind,

you gave me time to overthink everything

and i know it's not your fault because you have other obligations,

but it still hurts.

your thumb carefully wiped the tears from my eyes and i slowly opened them.

you let out a breath you were holding in before climbing into bed next to me and pulling my shaking body into yours.

you didn't make me talk like i thought you would.

you said we could at a different time.

your lips peppered my hair with kisses

and your arms tightened around my frame,

but i felt so small next to you.

i felt so small knowing you'll find someone better,

knowing i wasn't enough.

i traced your skin with my fingertips

and told myself i'm fine.

it will all be fine.

but it's not working anymore.

Dead Reckoning

n. to find yourself bothered by someone's death more than you would have expected, as if you assumed they would always be part of your landscape, like a lighthouse you could pass by for years until the night it suddenly goes dark, leaving you with one less landmark to navigate by -- still able to find your bearings, but feeling all that much adrift

i didn't ever think that you'd be gone this soon

i didn't ever think you'd be ripped from my hands

and that i'd have to hear the words, "i'm sorry."

"she didn't make it."

i didn't think that that phone call would be our last

that that "i love you" was the last

i didn't think God would have done something so cruel

I was eight, i didn't know what pain felt like besides

scraped knees and bruises,

so when i woke up one morning and the realization hit me,

it hurt.

my whole body ached.

i miss you more and more everyday

and people keep leaving

i want us to be whole again

i want my heart to feel whole

because it doesn't without you-

without the others.

--

i learned today that it's called 'dead reckoning.'

i didn't realize everything i'd be missing until

those moments where i want to be able to hear your voice

on the other line

or feel your embrace

one last time.

Monster

You found the cracks in my walls

and although I told you it was holding back

something treacherous and unimaginable

and a monster consumed my brain

you weren’t afraid to stick your hand through

and fight off the darkness with me,

and I couldn’t thank you enough for that.