if it gets better, i'm not there yet By: n.k.d

I am a fire; I am not afraid to burn someone’s path with the purpose I’m trying to get across no matter how painful, by using word choice, line breaks, and an overall generalness so everyone can relate.

Favorite Quotes and Inspiration

The only way we can learn to grow is to accept when people leave and learn from it. The inspiration I've found from those who are no longer a part of my life is one of the reasons for the raw beauty in my poems.
I have never not felt something before. I feel too much, I have too many thoughts circling through my head, but there's beauty in that. I'm able to write and let out all of these ideas and put the craziness into words. Yes, it does hurt, but it hurts a little less when my words are on paper rather than my head.
As someone who's never felt like they've fit in, I find myself away from the crowd, avoiding the drama, and drowning in my own thoughts. As someone who's been broken, the experiences I've pulled from have inspired many of my pieces of writing. I can relate to this poet, and feel more confident in my works knowing there are others out there who have similar experiences to me.
Life changes us. Life destroys us, brings us back up, and destroys us once again. We learn how to deal with sadness, anger, and jealousy, even if that means becoming a stronger, tougher person than before. I've become stronger throughout the years and have written poems throughout this time, where you can see how I've grown.
Just the thought that I can touch people with only my words and without having to physically be near them amazes me, and it's what I wish to do. I want to give a message out with my writing, I want to deliver pain and love.
Someone can enter our lives and within second leave a lasting impact. I enjoy writing about the experiences of those who have come and go in my life, and hope others can relate in some way.

Poetry of my Own

I think I still have rain somewhere in my heart. - Kelywn Sole

Sometimes it's a drizzle. Other times it's a downpour accompanied by thunder that rattles my bones and lightning that strikes the butterflies in my stomach. It leaves me breathless, and oozing out the emotions that I had held in that frail organ for so long.


god how i wish

it would begin pouring

and i could watch the rain

fall from my window,

glowing from the flickering

street light by my lonely house.

i want the thunder to ring my ears

and echo through the thick, humid air.

i want the lightning to illuminate the night sky

to where i can see into all the hidden

parts of the forest.

and maybe i want to watch the rain

because my own won't fall from my red

eyes anymore.

maybe i want the thunder to cry out

because i can't hear my own

pleas anymore.

maybe i want the lightning to show me the world

because i lost the light in my eyes.

i want to be a thunderstorm

so i can feel again.


some days i wish i was buried

six feet under ground

with dirt filling my lungs

until i stopped breathing.


other days i wish i was buried

in your arms

tangled in a mess of limbs

and i would not have to be afraid

of letting you go

any time soon.


but that it just a dream.

the reality is that you are too far for

me to hold

too far for

me to love

and too far for

us to become a



Insecurity will destroy you.

Insecurity forms in the deepest pit of

Your body.

And it will tingle

And it will thump

And it will slowly crawl up your throat

Until you are choking back on words like





Too skinny.

It rips your happiness apart

And hides it from you-

Somewhere you cannot find it,

Because insecurity likes seeing you

Suffer and

Beg and


Do not let it.

Take your happiness and store it

In a place you can easily get it from

Whenever you need it.

Tell yourself you are beautiful.

Stare in the mirror and choose one thing

You like about yourself, even

If it is as small as a freckle on the back of your hand,

Because even that is a start.

It is your body.

You have control of it.

Show insecurity who is stronger.

Show insecurity it cannot torture you anymore.

Because you are


Just the way you are.

And I know you can do it.


I am the melancholy breath

Escaping your lungs in bed at night.

I am the shakiness in your hands-

The trembling in your lip

As you try not to cry.

I am the storm that takes

All that you love

But people will only admire the scars

From my lightning.

I am the voices in your head

When you wished to hear nothing at all.

I am the monsters you see in the mirror.

I am heartless.

I live inside of you,

And I will absorb your emotions.


There's no escaping.

Good luck.


sometimes i like sitting by the window

and watching the flame of my candle


at an irregular speed

while the wind howls outside

and the rain slams against my window.

the wick curves and burns and bends

the wax now a burning liquid.

everything around me feels so untouched.

i am transported to another world.

i could get lost just in the smoke above the orange fire

as it floats into the air surrounding me

burning and burning.

Northern Lights

It felt like it was a dream,

It felt like

I didn't truly exist in that moment.


And my god they way you smiled up at the sky and absorbed the lights littering the night


The way your eyes reflected the mixes of purple and pink and blue


I didn't know what was more beautiful you or

The stars above us.


The wind blew by and our hair flung into our faces.

You laughed and it was infectious and next thing you know

We're toppled over into the tall grass now on our backs

Looking upwards.


I didn't want it to end.

Or at least not as soon as it did.


The northern lights were calling your name.



the room was empty.

my eyes looked empty.

my heart

was not.

my mind

was not either.

my heart was heavy in my chest and it felt like it expanded because i could feel my heartbeat pulse in my ears.

my mind had thoughts running miles in my head.

is she better than me?

she must be.

her eyes shine in the light.

you used to tell me you loved that about me

but i lost the light in my eyes when i felt like i was losing myself.

her hair blows in the wind

while mine becomes a tangled mess.

you accepted my flaws,

but you can't accept them when you meet someone more beautiful.


because i'll never be good enough for someone like you.

i don't know how you had convinced me otherwise.

but seeing the joy in your face with her

while i was home alone crying into my pillow

and punching walls

made me realize

i was delusional.

we weren't meant to be.

but you've taken over my body and creep under my skin at times like these

where i feel alone.

i can't tear you out of my veins

and i can't tear you from the pit in my stomach.


i hear the front door open.

i don't dare turn to face the bedroom door.

i stay with my back towards it, eyes directed at the dark blue wall in front of me.

maybe if i'm sleeping we won't have to talk.

i close my eyes and ignore your voice echoing through the house.

i hear your footsteps creeping towards the door.

i hear the knob click.

i hear the crack of the hinges and your sigh when you see me curled up.

you call my name.

i don't answer.

i think you'd leave me alone,

but when i hear you come closer and not only closer but in front of me

my heartbeat quickens.

i bite the inside of my cheek and breathe deeply.

you whisper my name and beg me to open my eyes.

you know i'm not sleeping,

you just want to know why i'm crying,

but you left me with my doubts,

you left me with my mind,

you gave me time to overthink everything

and i know it's not your fault because you have other obligations,

but it still hurts.

your thumb carefully wiped the tears from my eyes and i slowly opened them.

you let out a breath you were holding in before climbing into bed next to me and pulling my shaking body into yours.

you didn't make me talk like i thought you would.

you said we could at a different time.

your lips peppered my hair with kisses

and your arms tightened around my frame,

but i felt so small next to you.

i felt so small knowing you'll find someone better,

knowing i wasn't enough.

i traced your skin with my fingertips

and told myself i'm fine.

it will all be fine.

but it's not working anymore.

Dead Reckoning

n. to find yourself bothered by someone's death more than you would have expected, as if you assumed they would always be part of your landscape, like a lighthouse you could pass by for years until the night it suddenly goes dark, leaving you with one less landmark to navigate by -- still able to find your bearings, but feeling all that much adrift

i didn't ever think that you'd be gone this soon

i didn't ever think you'd be ripped from my hands

and that i'd have to hear the words, "i'm sorry."

"she didn't make it."

i didn't think that that phone call would be our last

that that "i love you" was the last

i didn't think God would have done something so cruel

I was eight, i didn't know what pain felt like besides

scraped knees and bruises,

so when i woke up one morning and the realization hit me,

it hurt.

my whole body ached.

i miss you more and more everyday

and people keep leaving

i want us to be whole again

i want my heart to feel whole

because it doesn't without you-

without the others.


i learned today that it's called 'dead reckoning.'

i didn't realize everything i'd be missing until

those moments where i want to be able to hear your voice

on the other line

or feel your embrace

one last time.


and for a second

i thought that you liked me again.

i thought i made your stomach fill with butterflies,

i thought i made your eyes glow.

and then you told me about her.

and my heart dropped,

and i wasn't sure why,

surely i wasn't jealous, right?

surely i didn't like you again.


it aches to see you with them

it aches to even be around you.

i can't erase our past no matter how hard i try.

maybe you can,

and i think that's what you did,

but please,

i'm begging you,

don't pull me back into your life again.

i don't think i can handle it.


And you may not be physically here with

Me anymore but that

Doesn’t mean i still don’t feel the

Throb in my chest or

My head spinning

When i miss you and your words.


You never really left.


the wind rushed past my body

and i swear i heard it whispering in my ear

that nostalgia would soon settle in my aching bones

and remind me once was and what can never

be again.


i thought i was doing okay but then someone said your name and those memories i thought i finally had pushed away flooded my system until your voice was running through my veins, and the way your eyes looked like the stars had met in them was enough to make me feel weak in the knees.

i still remember.

i think i always will.

Move On

you keep walking.

you keep placing one foot in front of the other.

the pain you feel doesn't matter.

you keep moving forward because you have to,

not because you want to,

it's part of living, it's part of growing up.

i just didn't know i was going to have to do it without you by my side.


You found the cracks in my walls

and although I told you it was holding back

something treacherous and unimaginable

and a monster consumed my brain

you weren’t afraid to stick your hand through

and fight off the darkness with me,

and I couldn’t thank you enough for that.


and when everything around me

was just static and I couldn't

differentiate my dreams from my reality

I looked at you.


And you weren't there anymore.


every breath i take

fills my lungs with the poison of your words


and darling i do not want to exist

if i cannot exist next to you


How I've Grown

Manuscript #1: Escape

The first draft of this manuscript is very vague and has a slightly cheesy ending that I knew needed to be fixed. I didn't feel satisfied with it, and although I wanted to keep suspense in the manuscript, I thought some questions needed to be answered.
After minutes and hours of editing, the ending takes almost a completely different form than the first draft, to show who exactly takes Kathy, and how she's reconnecting with her mother. It answers certain questions the readers had, but still leaves a cliffhanger that leaves them wanting more.

Manuscript #2: The Open

The first draft of this manuscript felt as if it was missing something, as if the description and imagery wasn't strong enough, as if my purpose wasn't getting across.
I added more imagery about the city, and decided to add a contrast between the "open" and the "unwelcoming," to show where she prefers to be. The city is given negative imagery, such as "the subway lurks," to show what the girl thinks of it, while the forest is described with words like "colors" and "smooth."

Manuscript #4: Unsteady

The "something completely different" manuscript allowed me to combine two of my favorite things: dance and telling a story. Through this dance I explain hope and struggle; the powerful moves show hope, while the moves with releases show struggle. The dance is similar to my writing style -- there's a deeper meaning and message, and often show contrasting emotions.

What Has Changed

The more I write, the

More feedback I receive, the

More I experiment, the

More I realize I

Have grown.

As detail in my writing


So does the imagination

Of my readers.

As my writing becomes deeper and


I feel more connected, and more willing

To write, and give a story, and


And something that

Tugs at your heart.

With my usage of line


I keep the reader wanting


With my usage of punctuation,

I keep the reader



I will continue to grow as a writer

The more I write, the more

Feedback I get,

And the more I read.

I am a writer.

I make you feel

What you've been trying to avoid

All along.

Works Cited

  • Drake, Robert M. Beautiful Chaos. United States: Lulu.com, 2014. Print.
  • Kaur, Rupi. Milk and honey. Kansas City, MO: Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2015. Print.
  • Iain S. Thomas, and Jon Ellis. I wrote this for you: pleasefindthis. United States: Central Avenue Publishing, 2011. Print.

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