In my lifetime I have never quite considered religion so seriously until my sophomore retreat (which was basically Jesus camp). A bunch of bubbly mid-20's counselors took us through a day of Jesus filled activities to show us the ever loving mercy of Christianity and god itself. I took notice to the fulfillment these counselors took from Christianity and began to wonder if the reason for all of my inconsistencies were all due to my lack of faith. Sure these people had struggles, but they seemed happy. I questioned whether or not I wanted to join this religion for the next month or so and began to act is if all my actions were being watched by some greater power. I eventually overcame this feeling, however after watching Joe Rogan's podcast with the father of the leader of the church of scientology I felt a strong connection to how the man had seemingly got into the religion.
Essentially, in the beginning phases of the transition to scientology, they make it seem very open and free religion. They teach you the ways of love and openness but eventually use those as a diversion to put you in a place of absolute delusion. This is exactly what I felt when I was experiencing these spiritual feelings. I felt awful at the thought that I might join a religion that has roots in homophobia and lack of rights for those who do not happen to be white men, but the central message of "love thy neighbor" was so enticing that I was willing to overlook it's defects.
While I am glad I had the experience, I am thankful that I didn't conform to any religion. I am not the type of person to conform. While however angst filled 16 year old edgy male that might sound, I really am not. There are too many inconsistencies that are impossible to overlook in virtually ever religion, and while I am still spiritual, I am glad I didn't sell that side of my life out to one religion just so I didn't have to contemplate the meaning of existence any further. I hate not knowing, I hate not being able to love, but I also hate the notion of constantly questioning my core values and shaking things up.