Like a fine wine, V’s Take gets better with age. However, I do not want to be remembered as another bottle on the shelf of this sexy, weekly column version of a Wine Wednesday. Instead, think of me as the Four Loko of V’s Take. New and bubbly, I’m entertaining to digest but a risk to harbor on campus. Sometimes, the advice is a little rough going down, but it’s guaranteed to get you smashed.
Looking through the yellow tinted newspaper archives from the early 2000s, I’ve encountered the opinions of past sex columnists who are as sweet and refreshing as a Pink Moscato, along with the dry and bitter opinions of those who contribute to the dangerous stigmas of slut shaming and homophobia like a last resort Sauvignon Blanc.
One particularly unsettling article from 2009 was entitled, “I Think I’m the Last Straight Person on Campus.” A student who went by the alias "Annoyed by Being Straight at UM" explained his frustration with the amount of LGBTQ+ content being published in V’s Take. For the record, there was barely any LGBTQ+ representation in national media, let alone in campus publications. Keep in mind that this article was written in a pre-Glee era. Glee became a haven from the blatant homophobic bullying that stained our society before 2009. Today, homophobia is packaged differently under the impression of self-proclaimed allies who “support it but just don’t want to see it” or the minimizing of gay men to trendy accessories. My message to Annoyed by Being Straight at UM is as follows: Suck my dick. Actually, suck my fake plastic schlong that is probably much bigger than yours or any you could ever get.
I fought to use my voice because many people in my community do not have the privilege or platform to speak out regarding LGBTQ+ issues. You cannot project your insecurities unto me, for I am shameless. I had a life sized cardboard cut out of Glee’s hot, lesbian cheerleader in my room throughout middle school, and I definitely tried to have sex with it. See? Shameless.
In a 2006 take labeled “Random Hookups a Cheap Way to Feel Intimate,” V asserted that women who enjoy casual sex were complete wastes of lives and just desperate to feel something. I want to know who lit the fuse on 2006 V’s tampon. Sex doesn’t always have to mean something. You can have sex just because you're bored as long as you communicate that to a consenting partner. Slut shaming leaves women with a sense of deep humiliation, embarrassment and pain. Plus, the real reason men want a virgin is that they just simply can’t stand the criticism of a woman with experience. I should start a Yelp for penises. A crowd-sourced review forum to help people navigate the world of weiners would most definitely allow men to experience the kind of scrutiny that has been traditionally reserved for women.
But despite the occasional poor guidance, V’s Take has still boasted an exceptional opportunity for outspoken women who are not afraid to be blatant and real in terms of sex. By talking honestly about sex, we can overcome shame, eradicate stigma and help each other live fulfilling lives in and out of the bedroom. Opening a conversation around sexuality is especially important for women who have to suppress their emotions due to oppressive governments, so we must lead by example. V is the face of those who find sex interesting, empowering and powerful regardless of gender or sexual orientation.
After a few gulps of this Four Loko of advice, I hope you find the inebriated courage to be shameless.