I have always searched for a deeper meaning to life. I've never wanted to waste my time here. I have always known that time here on earth is limited. That has been a basic understanding of mine for my entire life. In my mind heaven equaled paradise. It was comforting for me to think of it that way. It is truly what I believed and hoped. I still have hope...somewhere underneath everything else.
When Drew died I felt this without question. I knew God was with him from the moment the accident happened and I was confident Drew was in a better place. But I still had that nagging feeling of "where is he." It kills me not knowing where he is. I have known where Drew was everyday for the past 30 years and suddenly, I'm not sure anymore. Everything I thought I knew has been turned upside down. Nothing makes sense.
You don't go through shit to get stronger. It just happens by no choice of your own. God doesn't give you tests along the way to wake you up or to deepen your faith. If a God can give you tests and make good things happen or happen for a reason, then why the hell couldn't he stop an accident that killed 2 people? Does he give kids cancer? Does he allow murder and rape? What kind of a God does that? What kind of a God picks and chooses who to save or spare? If that is God...I don't know that I want any part of it. Over and over these thoughts race through my brain. Nothing makes sense anymore.
What I have come to believe is that God doesn't change. God is love. God is everywhere. Always. But... what does that mean?
Early on I questioned the meaning of The Trinity. I have never completely understood. So there's God, Jesus and the Holy Spirt. I have always been most confused about The Holy Spirit. How does that play into everything??