Dallyn's Story Shame in Appearance

I've always struggled with the way I look.

I used to feel like there was something wrong with me because of the way I looked and I hated myself because no matter what I did, I could never make my shoulders less broad, I could never make my hips smaller, I could never make myself shorter.

I attacked myself emotionally and mentally because I felt like I was a mistake and that I could never be helped.

I tried many times to be bulimic but I couldn't ever make myself throw up, and then I would cry and beat myself up again because I couldn't even do something as simple as make myself throw up when so many other people could, and it helped them lose weight; why couldn't I do it too?!

My mom was a huge support to me, always encouraging me and telling me I was beautiful and making me write things that I loved about myself but it never made an impact because I was too ashamed of the way I looked.
I felt like no one would ever or could ever love me unless I was thin, because how could they love something that I absolutely detested about myself?

I counted calories - I punished myself anytime I ate something sweet like a piece of cake because I felt like it would make me fat immediately. I would then run right after so I could "work off" what I had just eaten.

Eventually, I decided to serve a mission for my church for 18 months, and during that time I gained a lot of weight. I gained about 25 lbs or so.

At the beginning, I tried to be bulimic again but I still did not succeed in making myself throw up, so I just cried and prayed that I could lose weight, foolishly like a child.

Instead of losing weight, I continued to gain weight, but something amazing happened-my perspective changed.
I started to feel happy like I had never felt before in my life. I felt happy even though I was not slender like I had been before my mission.

I started to realize that I could eat food that I loved and that I didn't have to stress over it.

I could feel happy and eat what I wanted and the people around me still loved me just because I was me.

They cared about me even though I was not perfect.
I wasn't what the world portrayed as beautiful, but they saw me as beautiful.

Dallyn

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