A year went on and James was doing so well in fact he was thriving. I had survived a hard year being fully invested in him. But I was so hard on myself, I was unhappy because I had put on weight, I was unhappy because I put all my values into what I looked like and let that dictate how I felt about myself! I throw myself back into running! And with a week out decided I was going to run the 12K in the sketches run to try prove to myself that I could do anything that I put my mind to, so much pressure on myself. I was not up for it nor was I feeling well but my fear of failure and wanting to strive for the best is what led me to go for it and give it my all. And so, I did, I ran hard, I was going to beat my time and achieve this for myself. I had to really push myself, my body wanted to stop, every thought in my mind wanted me to stop but I was almost half way. I started to feel unwell and dizzy I was forced to stop and walk! Meanwhile every person overtaking me was one more failure, but I would not be a quitter. Just over half way I could not stand being over taken anymore more. I started running again, sprinting at times to get ahead of a few more people I pushed myself to almost the point of throwing up. Right till the end. I did it, my best time yet! 52 minutes, much better than my time the year before. Walking around proud like a male peacock flashing my 12k medal around all awhile feeling like shit! I went home with a feeling of pride. Thinking I am invisible, I can do anything I set my mind to! After my ego had settled and I had proudly shown off my medal to my boys I knew it was time to rest, my body was screaming at me and my heart was still racing. After a few hours of rest and my heart still not settling down, I got up to go get a drink. Feeling suddenly extremely dizzy and like I was about to throw up almost passing out. I went back to lay down I started getting squeezing pain in my chest followed by pain down my arm and through my neck and under arm. I knew something was not right and called my mum to drive me in to hospital just to get checked out! Once arriving at hospital, I still was not feeling the greatest but decided to still get seen. I was taken in straight away they took blood test and put me straight on the monitor. The nurse said not to worry as I was young, and I was going to be fine, but they just had to wait for the bloods, so I was ready to go home even though I was not feeling well. I got up to go to the toilet and overheard the nurse talking to my mom. He said, she will not be going home! I ignored the conversation as I was led with the burning urge to go to the toilet after being on the monitor for so long. I got back only to be told by the nurse I’ve had a heart attack! A heart attack, what I’m only 32 years old! The doctor then came in and said that there had been some damage to my heart and that I would need to stay in and have further tests. The fear all came rushing back, followed but all the stages of grief. Denial-I’m too young surely, which from that came fear then anger, bargaining (mainly with God), depression (the thought of not being there for my kids) and after a long while acceptance all awhile being now driven by fear again of this happening again of never running again! After a week of feeling so out of place in the Cardiology ward being the youngsters by far, I found out it was in fact Myocarditis which is a virus that attacks your heart and mimics a heart attack. I also found out that one in five people died from it. You can imagine my thought, I was dumbstruck. The thought of just having a common virus that just over exerting yourself could cause an attack was scary. I could have died trying and pushing to prove to myself I am worthy. I was reassured that It should never come back but I needed to allow myself time to heal as your heart muscle never stops pumping, you’re forced to have strict rest again. So, for three months I could hardly do anything and could not drive for six weeks. I was forced again to rest and face my fears.
Don’t be so hard on yourself we all fail we all are human. I do every day, but I’ve learnt to just live each day, each moment as it if it is my last! I’ve made bad choices, I’ve made many mistakes in life, I’ve failed time and time again. I’ve been judged and laughed at ( one example is - I was told by a family member that a person from my community they had met and my family member asked if this person knew me, this was the persons response “oh Megan yes, I hate her” just like that, I continued to tell my family member that this was so odd as I had never even been formally introduced to that person or ever had a conversation with them. I mean how could I let that get to me knowing this. People will judge without even knowing a thing about you. Don’t put your value in other opinions) but I learned from it. I choose to live a positive, healthy life, to enjoy my family, to accept that I am not perfect, nor will I ever be but I’m happy. I will take life at my own pace and I will not be defined by what happened in my life nor will I live in fear. If there is anything I could leave you with it would be this. No matter how hard your situation currently is or how many times you have failed all that matters at the end of the day is you and to live your life wholeheartedly. Stop being so hard on yourself. You are beautiful, accept yourself as you are, and you have so much to give in this life, so live your best life!