The Alternative Edinburgh Tour #fakeedinburghtours PART 1

Barrie's Close
"We're just about to enter the rear end of Barrie's Close, one of the most haunted places in Edinburgh. Legend has it a street urchin named Baz was found dying in the close with a bottle of poision lying near by, the poision was "Buckfast" which literally drove poor Baz off his head. Baz's Close seemed a little common so it was extended to use his Sunday name, Barrie. Today his spirit still haunts the close, detectable only by small dogs..."
Barrie's Close
"So here we are looking up the spooky Barrie's Close, you can see where a fleeing spirit has left a spooky outline just visible on the wall to the left. If you look closely on the stairs, there is some visible ectoplasm, excreted by some tortured soul unable to reach the afterlife. Yes I know it looks like pigeon shit and vomit but that's what Edinburgh ectoplasm looks like."
Advocate's Close
"And now we find ourselves in the WORLD famous Advocate's Close. It's interesting to note though that the original name was in fact Advocaat Close due to the close being the birthplace of the lurid yellow egg based spirt, Advocaat. Over the years the council has tried to distance itself from the invention of such a minging drink it changed the name in 1972 to Advocate's Close which sounded much more plummy"
Fountain Close
"There used to be a magnificent fountain along this narrow passageway, people would come from all over Europe in the 1800's to see the Fountain in the Close but as always happens, a local "bunch of wee fannies" started filling it with industrial boxes of Daz or Persil at regular intervals and the council had to clean up all the bubbles. It was after one particularly bad incident in 1963 involving half a hundred weight of knocked off Ariel and a gross of Fairy Liquid that produced a bubble mountain that consumed half the High Street the council had enough and demolished the fountain replacing it with the drab buildings we see here today"
The Grassmarket
"The Grassmarket, where of course, ye olde landscape gardeners of old Edinburgh bought and sold grass, eventually after much trading they would have enough for a lawn, which they would sell and buy up on the Lawnmarket. Once they had a lawn, the process of building a garden for one of the noblemen of the new town could begin. Gates were always a problem, most people fitting Cow gates, to keep troublesome bovine from their lawn but for extra security, some fitted Canon gates, to protect against canon attack. These were both sold in different parts of the city..."
The Vennel
"The Vennel, and part of the old city walls, the Telfer Wall. Which was built in the 1600's at the bequest of the Mayor of Edinburgh at the time, Big Donald McTrump. "We will build a wall " he bellowed, "a majestic wall, a muckle big bastard o' a wall. An impenetrable wall and what's more, they Weegies will pay for it!". A cry came up from the massed crowd in the Grassmarket, "Away and bile yer heid" shouted Flora McDonald, "it canne be done!" McTrump turned to her with venom in his eyes, "don't you tell me what can't be done Flora McDonald, I know about walls, I know everything there is to know about walls, and Weegies" The very next day, the wall was started and McTrump took his revenge on McDonald with a series of cutting remarks about her, no more than 140 characters stapled to every lamp post for daring to disagree with him. Old Edinburgh was a brutal place, thankfully nothing like that will happen in this day and age..."
White Horse Close
Until 1893 White Horse Close was known as Fannie's Close due to the behaviour of the residents, however, on a cold winter's night in December 1893 as snow settled on the city the resident of number 2, Boaby Puller came up with the famous White Horse joke"
Big white horse walks into a pub, barman says "we've got a whisky named after you!" Horse says, "What? Eric?"
"Such was the extent of the hilarity, the close was renamed White Horse Close in honour of the joke and Boaby Puller was hailed a city hero, he went on to become a firm crowd favourite at Ye Olde Festival but died in 1897 of severe penis strain"

Part 2 coming soon...

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