Hi Fun Kou Gai

In this blog I'll be telling you my story. I won't tell you my name or who I am, I won't tell you where I'm from or what I'm about. I also won't put any dates or how old I was when whatever event happened.

Please excuse my french, as well as any mistakes.

When it all started

At one point in my life I started having problems with my dad. He would blame me for what my younger siblings did. I always kept quiet and caught whatever he threw at me. He'd either say, " you don't play with your siblings enough " or " you're making a noise " whenever I did play with them. One day, we were playig hide & seek. While one of my siblings was counting, the other one and I went to hide in different places. While at it, my sibling falls. My dad asks them " who did this to you? ". You can guess where the blaming finger landed on.. Me. I told him " dad I didn't do it " he said " yes you did, you always do " I kept quiet. My mom comes and calms my sibling down. A tear fell from my eye. My mom said, " it's okay, you don't have to cry ." I said, in a very loud tone of voice " He always blames me for everything! " He flipped his shit. Completely lost it. I saw his chair fall on the ground as he yelled telling me not to talk to my mom like that. He wrapped his hands around my neck, my mom yelling even lounder for him to let me go.. when he finally did i went to my room and cried. I cried so much, I wanted to move out, I didn't want him as my father anymore as silly as that sounds. As always my mom was there, calming me down this time.

About two weeks passed without a word from each other. He was going to travel for a few months, It didn't feel right to let him go without us being on good terms. My mom suggested I apologize, I told her it wasn't my fault. He was wrong. But I still did it, because I was young and he was my father. I said sorry for something he did to me. It was unfair and I was mad. Up to this day I still remember. As for him? He claims it never happened. Good stuff, dad.

By now you should know that obviously nothing was ever the same, I became an angry child with daddy issues. So i sought closure through other guys, though I wasn't a hoe, don't get me wrong, I just dated a lot of guys, we never did anything really it was just literally having a boyfriend, never kissed, never had sex we only ever held hands but obviously I was bound to do something more. I had this boyfriend that was the best thing ever, just sitting and talking was enough.. finally we kissed, it was my first kiss. We dated for about two weeks until I left him for another guy. Stupid, I know. I dated that guy for about nine months and throughout our relationship we kissed but that was it. He'd ask for nudes and I'd send. One day he spoke about sex. He said he'd be my first and last time, because we'd get married and all that bullshit they feed you with. I kept telling him to wait til one day I thought I'd lose him. I thought that if I didn't give myself to him he'd break up with me, I didn't know any better. I made him promise not to leave me if we did have sex, he promised.

The day came, I was nervous. I kept thinking what should I do, I'm not even experienced, will he like it?. He finally arrived, I let him in through the back doors and just like that my purity was taken away from me. I hadn't realized it at the moment but it was a big mistake. Everything felt wrong, heck, everything went wrong. After he left. Literally and figuratively. My mom found out through the maids. I had to tell her, she wanted to hear it from me. She was disappointed and mad, I didn't know what to do, so I texted him. I told him that I was in trouble and needed his support. As a boyfriend he should've been there for me right? Wrong. Guess what he said?

" I also have stuff going on in my life, when you get your shit together text me back "

My mom told me to cut ties and not talk to him anymore but i never listened. I " loved " him, I wanted him with me. I tried everything, he never came back. I found out he cheated, Lord knows how many times, but he blamed me for it, he made me feel like I wasn't good enough, like I wasn't worth it anymore because I wasn't pure anymore. I became really depressed. For a long time i kept wondering is it really worth it. I started self-harming. Eventually my mom noticed, she asked me why, she cried and asked me why I was damaging myself. I lied.. I couldn't tell her whose fault it really was because if I had listened to her none of that would've happened. To this day, she doesn't know the truth behind it and to this day, I still have the scars.

I moved, new school, new friends. I was still broken, I needed to connect, talk to somebody about my inner demons, I needed somebody to accept me and tell me it was okay. I told a girl. Later on the week i had people who weren't even from my grade follow me to my parents car asking " did you have sex? " I said no. They said " yes you did " Okay then why the fuck are you asking? If you're so sure that's the answer why the fuck are you even asking? I was so mad. Because it wasn't even the girl i told who spread the shit. It was some girl who didn't like me. The same girl who kept calling me a prostitute every opportunity she got. The cafeteria line, the changing room, outside class, fucking everywhere.

I suffered silently, refusing to tell my mom because I shouldn't have opened my mouth in the first place. The shit with my dad only got worse as time passed. I felt like I had nobody. I couldn't talk to anybody, my siblings wouldn't understand and I had no friends in that school

Things eventually got better, people forgot about it and I moved schools again. I found a guy, we dated. But before we started dating I asked him not to hurt me. That I was sensitive when it came to love, he too promised.

My dad didn't know but my mom did. So i invited him, along with two other girls and another guy to spend the afternoon with me at my house. The day went by everything was cool. The girls went upstairs to put our swimsuits on. I wore swimming shorts because I didn't feel comfortable enough. We swam and all that. I was leading the boys up the stairs so they could change. When they went home my dad tells me " did you see the way you were seducing those guys? " Guys? I told him, " Are you serious right now? " he kept quiet. Thought so.

Later on i found out the guys actually had another girlfriend. I was sad and mad, shit me up I had every right to be mad. I eventually told him to fuck off. I was getting to the point where I didn't give a fuck anymore. Later on in the year I dated this other guy who also had another fucking girlfriend. I told him to fuck off too. I was tired of all the shit I went through. I became really suicidal, I tried cutting my veins, overdosing on pills and suffocating my head inside a plastic bag.

And who added onto it? My dear father. I cried because of him almost all the time. He too made me full to the point where I finally told him off. I told him how much I wanted to die, how he was never there for me in ever heartbreak, how one day I was going to run away, how he always made me feel so inferior as opposed to my other siblings, how much he hated me and how much I hated him. Oh and I also asked if his intentions were to kill me when he choked me. He said he " never did such a thing "

Then he started crying. He said he was sorry and that he didn't know I felt that way. I too apologized for over exaggerating. Our fights have decreased drastically but now, whatever he throws, I catch and throw it back even harder.

I wrote this as a way to express how I feel and I hope that it helps others get through whatever they are going through. You have a purpose in life, even if you don't know it yet.

All of this happened in the course of three years. I kept telling whoever knows about me that I forgave the guy who took my virginity and that it doesn't bother me anymore. But it does, I never realized it but I kept blaming others as a way to take the blame off myself. I was unable to forgive myself for what I had done. I'm currently working on it. But it's a way of showing how powerful your mind can be.

I've learnt so much throughout the years. I've become stronger and more independent. The reason why I don't want anybody to know who I am is because I don't enjoy having people know about my personal problems, thus making me publish this anonymously. So if you have figured out who it might be, please keep it to yourself or feel free to address me personally.

Thank you so much for reading❤️. This will probably be the first and last blog I write but may you guys succeed in life.

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