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I Emma Flop Reviving the Bark advice column from 1958

The first edition of the Bark, published in 1958, includes an advice column titled, “I Emma Flop.” In honor of the Bark’s 60th anniversary, the advice column has been reinstated. Students submitted anonymous questions, some serious and some less so, to be answered with satirical advice.

Original advice column, vol. i, issue no.1, 1958

Dear I, Emma Flop

There’s a real cute mouse in my biology class. I try to get her attention and be extra polite, but she doesn’t know I’m alive. How can I get her to nibble at my bait without thinking that I’m a rat?

Keep your nose to the grindstone, and you won’t get your tail caught in a trap.

Dear Emma,

My girlfriend lost her voice for two weeks, and it was wonderful! She is usually yelling and screaming at me. Now she has her voice back, and it is just as loud as ever. What should I do?

Have you tried earplugs?

Dear Emma,

I date a fellow who has safety belts in his car. The problem is this. I don’t know if it is proper to strap myself in near the door (far away from him) or should I sit close to him and forget about the straps?

Safety belts are for your own protection. If you want to be safe, strap yourself in. If you want to be sociable, sit near him and take your chances.

Dear I Emma Flop,

I am madly in love with two boys who have both asked me to go steady, and I don’t know which one to accept. What shall I do?

Flip a coin.

Today's advice: vol.lx, issue no. 5, 2018

What do I do if a boy likes me, and I know it, but I don't like him?

Pull a Cher and send yourself flowers and chocolates to make it seem like you’re taken. He’ll be Clueless.

It’s been four years and the parking situation still sucks. When will it change?

When the Doomsday Clock strikes midnight, then is whence the parking shall be simple.

What are some places in which you find hope for the future, despite the present turmoil? Do you fear what lies ahead?

You sound stressed. One place I find hope is in every episode of “The Office” ever made. I fear nothing so long as the world still has Stanley Hudson.

Tips on how not to cave into peer pressure?

Put yourself in a literal cave. They can’t get you there.

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