I built my walls up so high. I crafted a mask of happiness and joy. I faked laughter and smiles. I lied and my way through life. I act like I've never felt pain. I cried in secret but smiled in public. You broke down my walls. You saw past my mask of lies. You made my laughter and smiles real. You knew the truths of my life. You made my facade crumble as tears fall. You saw me cry and saw the pain I hide. You broke past all my defenses and uncovered the truths hidden behind my lies. Scars start healing all because I meet you. ~j.g.s.b~
Blind to the world
There was a time when I believed the world was a amazing beautiful place filled with happiness. I was naive to believe that the world was good but how was a little girl who's been told all her life that she's a gift from god and constantly being loved would know that life was going to be hard. I had lost two or three people already but I never understood or really cared about it because I was blind with a child's eyes.
I was in Kindergarten or first grade when my eyes had to be forced to open up. My grandfather owned a little house out at Atwood Lake,we would go over the summer and vacations it was a secluded area with woods surrounding the countryside. It was the summer of my first grade year like we do almost every year we spent some time down at the house but this time my parents decided to invite old family friends and their kids one girl probably around six-teen and one boy about seven-teen or eighteen. I was just a child so foolish and blind to the fact that not everyone has good intentions. He and I were playing he gave me a piggyback ride and then took me to one of the bedrooms what he did next confused me and scared me. He ‘touched’ me, basicly he sexaualy harrassed me. At the time I didn’t understand what was happening but I knew it was wrong. I can't remember if he did it once or twice but in the end of the day I told my parents. I was afraid they would be angered at me but then when my mother started crying and held me close whispering she's sorry I realized that whatever he had done must've been horrible because even my father became angered and sad. My childhood had always been hard I was just able to lie to myself when I was younger that my childhood was just like everyone else's.
I lost a lot that day my innocence, my virginity, [ I’m not really sure if that's true ] ,trust. I started up counseling again,I had taken counseling before for adoption and speech. Even though I went through hell because of that if given the chance to change it I wouldn't because it's made me strough...it's made me who I am today. I now know that the world is a hauntingly tragic place filled with lies and pain but every once in awhile something beautifully pure will happen and those moments are the reasons why life's worth it even if those mmoment don’t last forever.I was blind and believed in fairytales but now I realize not all fairytales have a happy after. ~j.g.s.b~
Dear reader 1
Someday you will feel as if you've lost everything. I can only hope you find something worth more than whatever you had lost. I lost a "friend" I didn't know anything other than being her friend I didn't even realize our friendship was a lie. I did things I'm not proud of and I could blame it on her but the truth is I'm the one who made the decision and I'm going to have to live with it. I was so blind it wasn't until she got bored of my friendship did I see that her friends were just stepping stools to become popular. I was so confused about what to do but when she made a new best friend with a girl that I was friends with I lost it,I started to get jealous and angry perhaps I blowed it up in apportion. She had a few other ex-bffs it wasn't until I was in their position did it occur to me that it's a cycle,fist one a girl (fake name) lily they were friends for 3 years then (fake ex-bffs name) jess made lily out to be an annoying person attached to her. Then there was another girl (fake name) sage who were on and off agin friends,jess made her out to be a crazy attention seeker. Last one even through there are alot of examples,was a girl (fake name) lizzy who jess made out to be a 'boyfriend stealer' and backstaber even though they had been friends since childhood but only talked if they had classes together.
In the end my ex-bff had somehow caused bad blood between me and her new bff (fake name) bella. My ex-bff had started to bully me online and in person,she had made our problems the main gossip in the whole school even the upperclassmen knew…I lost a lot of friends I also changed I was no longer the 'wild child' even though that was an act. We (me and the new Bff,Bella) had a fight planed but my mother noticed that I was acting different that's when my mother told me something that changed everything.
"Darling, love no matter what type it is…isn't measured in time,gifts, or even memories it's measured in trust and understanding."
That's when I realized I couldn't go through with the fight not because I was weak but because I was strong enough to let go. That day I went to the school counselor and told her everything then she called down New-Bff it turns out that we where both getting played but the difference is that I believed we were played but she didn't. After that there was no bad blood between me and her but my ex-Bff no longer looked at each other I had to move my classes to a different side of the school.
It's been a couple years seems then and I've realized that it's because of that horrible painful experience that I'm were I am today. I'm not the 'wild child' but my grades went from D's to A's & B's and I don't feel like I'm stupid because now I have real friends who always help me and I know we may never get as close as my ex-bff did but I know they aren't just getting to know me to blackmail me. I've come to understand that the most painful things in life will bring out the most beautiful things. ~j.g.s.b~
Dear reader 2
Family is the most common lie and the rarest truth. People look at my family and see a loving proper and respectful family with only small problems,if only they knew. Both of my parents have in someway cheated in one way or another,my mother who I love has a best guy friend who's in love with her and he once told her that he was in love with her and she laughed. My father by looking at porn and dating websites.
My father has anger issues he was mentally and emotionally abusing he would constantly tell me things that hurt. He used to threaten me with physical pain other then grabbing my arms and legs and hitting my butt (when I was really young) he never physically hurt me. The man I see in the morning is not the same man I see at night. In the morning he is the man I call my father in the night he is the monster I call my nightmare. I was always afraid he would someday cross the line between punishment and true abuse I was too young to understand that in a perfect world a man would never place a hand on a women without her permission. He was controlling and demanding I made myself act like I wasn't afraid and in stupidity I would go against him and fight (not physically). He had a huge drinking problem so I was always afraid he would get so drunk he could end up hurting himself or my mother or even me.
"You should be ashamed of myself."
"How stupid can you be?"
"I'll give you something to cry about brat."
My mother always ment well but sometimes she was blinded by her love for my father to see the pain he caused us. She was always kind and patient but as time went on she started to lose her patience and soon she became stricter about what I can do. She was once a teacher so at times she would try to force me to do extra stuff for school and when ever she had a problem with my grades she would call the school demands answers. When ever there was any problems she would try fix it even if i asked her not to. While I love her for caring she was slightly obsessed and she would always put me in a new therapy and I've already had about 15 therapists so far. I have over 4 in morning 2 in night different medications I would have more if my father hadn't said that I shouldn't be put on to many medications. My mother also uses guilt trip to much and plays the victim. She will only hear the things the bad things. She means well and the words may not seem that big of a deal to some but try to understand that all my life my mother has been my family and the only person I ever looked up to.She would say things that hurt because she's my true family.
"You need help,that's why you have doctors."
"You can't always be selfish you have to think about others for once in your life."
"You have issues and that's why you go to a therapist so you can fix it"
My mother said she was going to get a divorce but she said that it was almost done for over 2 years. She had told everyone on all sides of the family that she was leaving but now out of no were she decided to stay because 'he's changed' I've seen this before when I was five when my mom said she would leave if he didn't change…he changed his act but within 5 months he went right back. I love my parents but I feel like I'm better off without their problems but that's what comes with being a family. I'll admit I was extremely angry about her decision and I acted out on that but she wants me to act like those 2 years of constant telling me that 'it's going to be different so start adjusting' never happened. Act like we are a happy family like all the pain I had learned to live with and buried deep within that I was forced to show and forced to try let go…I would of been better off if I had never let my hope cloud my judgement.
"God can work miracles,he also doesn't like divorce."
I have no prob with chruch or religion buT i dont agree with my mothers Use of the word miracles and how she justified her choice.
Now a days my mother still hovers but lets me breath as long as I act like I'm happy. I stoped going to the therapist for the first time in my life it's nice to just stay at home alone and think instead of having to confess my secrets to someone who's getting paid to act like they care. My father has gotten better with his anger and for the most part rarely says anything harsh but then again he rarely talks about anything that means anything. He still hasn't apologized for the pain he's put me and my mother through. He still drinks but mostly when I'm asleep. I think he still a cheater because of emails I found on my email that my father had set up some lady say I 'miss ya cutey' thought how she spelled it. I don't know what to do I don't know if I tell my mother? We are getting better but all of our relationships are strained. I still have low hope that this is permanent.