You know once you're so close to death, or so you think so, you begin to appreciate life a little bit more day by day..
Hopfully this will be a page about how a girl who thought she was at her worst and now is trying to become her best. (Dollhouse reference)
You know what I love? No matter what day after day for over the past billions of years everyday the earth has a unique and beautiful portrait for us humans, and everything else alive to admire and it's never the same. Sure it can look the same but no cloud or color is in the exact same spot or shape. No matter how gloomy and 'ugly' it is, how dark and shiny the stars are at night or how sunny and beautiful it is and that's amazing.
Sometimes I just look out the window and wish I could run. Just fucking run away, run until I don't know anyone and they don't know me. Sometimes it's to hard to deal with all the emotions everyone throws at you. Constantly trying to be your best , trying to make everyone like you but the truth is.. not everyone's going to like you and somehow your just going to have to deal with it.
Our ability to perceive quality in nature begins, as in art, with the pretty. It expands through successive stages of the beautiful to values as yet uncaptured by language. -Aldo Leopold–A Sand County Almanac
Why does my heart always have to be crushed? I mean I know I'm with someone but they've been my only true relationship. I don't know if they're the one. I just can't commit myself to them.. even though I'm selfish and want them to commit to me 100% why do I have to be like this? Why couldn't I just not be a disappointment to my mom and just be normal? Be happy? Be girly? I guess maybe today's lesson would be: don't try to go for someone you know you have no chance with and get heart broken when they're with another.. today's just been bad.. at least it's starting to get warmer in Texas and that is what I can look forward too even if my own cloudy, coldness takes over my mind a few times..
No it's me. I fuck everything up. This week has been the worst and it's Thursday. I dont know how I four days of straight fighting. I fucking hate this. Everything is my fault.. I can't just leave him I love him.. and I'm fucking miserable but he makes everything so much better. He's my rock. I thought this page would be kind of a recovery page and it is! I just didn't think I would relapse again.. well technically I haven't done it yet. But if you read this don't lose hope. Relapsing is a part of recovering. It's just so dangerous when you're relapsing that can kill you in an instant.