Olanyus: Listen to me Elyse, You are not too damaged to do good. There is no such thing. I took someone's life. I ruined a family. Destroyed dreams and hopes, caused trauma. Am I too damaged? What is too damaged? When considering the darkness of your present circumstances consider this: true and complete darkness doesn't exist. There are different shades of grey. As you begin to notice the divergent shades, you will realize that some of them lead to hope. It is the only way I survive. It is my secret.

We are prone to the darker emotions. And it's ok, as long as we don't dwell there. That is our choice. We can choose to ignore our friends, ignore God, and ignore the actual depression and despondency. Some people are more comfortable there, and to be honest, that's sometimes me. But these occasional visits can lead to perspective that other people (those hateful people that are always happy) never have. We have more of a range.

As a result, we can be more resourceful, creative, and capable. You have decades of positively impacting the world for good. Do not cut yourself short.

From Elyse to Olanyus:

There is something else that I did want to tell you about: I sometimes wonder if I am too damaged for other people. Despite my ambitions, ideas, and talents, I feel like there is this dark cloud following me wherever I go. My past trauma is probably too much for most people to handle and very complicated and complex to come to terms with (even for someone who has experienced first-hand). I feel like a lot of people do not have the capacity to relate to emotional turmoil or trauma at this level and only have a very vague conception of what pain inside your mind feels like. I worry if my trauma will hold me back from contributing something meaningful in the world; especially in the field of STEM where majority of people do not have to deal with stuff like this. STEM lacks representation of women, minorities, people with disabilities, the LGBTQ+, neurodivergent people, and more. Most of all, it can get very competitive once you reach working at large-scale companies, government agencies, or universities.

In my own college space, I feel like most people cannot emphasize with people on the Autism Spectrum. Even those who I have met who major in Psychology or Sociology I find to have little regard and understanding for those on the Spectrum or really for anyone who is neurodivergent. To me, I find this lack of concern both scary and frustrating. Why? Because this school is the place I have come to know as my home for the past four years and my school tends to pride themselves on words like ‘diversity’ and ‘inclusion.’ Can an institution of any kind really claim to be accepting if their students lack the motivation or skill to emphasize with those different from themselves? With a cognitive disposition different from themselves?

I feel like this is something you (in a way) can understand when it comes to being an incarcerated individual and having the world either look down upon the prison systems and its inmates; or having people not care at all. I believe it is something that really should change and this class I am part of is opening my eyes to it more and more every single day. Our readings from the New Jim Crow and other works have given more food for thought in the sense that I learn about figures and facts about specific events that have taken place throughout the history of the United States that directly show how this country has promoted policies that instigate bias and discriminate individuals of color.

It feels like we are both climbing our own mountains.

From Elyse to Olanyus: What Comes Back Again to Haunt Me...

Although I have ambitions and goals for myself, I have struggled all my life to adapt to trauma and to overcome several obstacles. My father showed me that he never really cared about me because of his absence from my life and his disinterest in anything related to me. He refused to help my mother while she was financially struggling, and he made essentially no effort to spend quality time with me or to learn about me. The times when I did speak to him, he essentially discouraged anything I had to say and even blamed either my mother or I for his shortcomings. As a younger child, when my parents were still together, I was diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum, and he could not accept me for the way that I was born. Having Autism had made social interactions growing up very stressful and very upsetting as I had a hard time engaging with other people. I also tend to obsess and hyper-focus on very specific topics or scenarios and it can be at different times daunting for me to handle. It has been hard for me to be raised in essentially a single parent household where your parent is struggling to make it by. It has been hard having to deal with people who are unkind, selfish, and take advantage of other people who are or appear to be more naïve than themselves.

Right before the semester started, something very bad happened. I cannot go into details about what happened because it is too painful, but I was already struggling with feeling depressed, anxious, and like I didn’t belong. I was struggling to come to terms with the different events that have happened in my life. These past months have been hard for me to deal with; I know I am not alone, and I know that I am not the first person this has happened to. Yet, I do not know how to best handle myself or my emotions. The reason why it has taken me so long to write back to you is because my mind was going through some form of paralysis and shock.

To Olanyus from Elyse:

I can see from all the activities, engagements, and commitments you make to people around you and to speak at events, that you really do care and that you have made a wonderful impact onto those around you. Even when you feel down or unwell, you try your best to help others around you and to do a good job because it is important to you. I will say this again and again: that is one of the many things I admire about you Olanyus. You are compassionate, you are kind, you are resourceful, you are creative, and you are beyond capable. I know that taking someone’s life and tearing apart a family can be a lot on a person’s shoulders; and maybe it at times it might hold you down or make you feel guilty. I just want you to know that I have a lot of respect for you and for everything you are and everything you have done and for your positive words for me. I believe that you have grown a lot throughout time and that you have made the most out of your circumstances (just like in a way I have).

From Elyse to Olanyus:

Olanyus, you have shown me again that God is the source of all healing. I also know what it is like to be flawed and to have made mistakes. I think that is why I introduced myself as wanting to be a hero for myself; because I know that at the end of the day, all I have left is me and God. And because of that, I need to prove to myself that I can do things; that I can make it despite all the obstacles that have been thrown my way.

What Olanyus Likes to do in his free-time: Role Playing Games (RPGs): Dungeons and Dragons, Pathfinder, Rifts, etc. I am currently playing campaign with some of my writing friends on Sunday mornings. We meet at the game room, bring our dice, and enter a fantasy world for 1 to 2 hours a week.

The institution converted two wings of a dorm into a game room. One side is the movie side. There are also an Xbox and PS3. Tables to play board games and such a canteen window where we can purchase snacks. The other side is the sports side. There are 3 tvs on different sports channels. There's a PS4 and a Wii. Some ping-pong tables, an air hockey table, and some fooseballs tables, as well as a canteen window.

This is not something that is available at most prisons. This is a benefit of being at an 'incentivized' prison. We have to meet certain criteria to come here, the most important of which is to be free of disciplinary problems of 2 years. Yet it is not without its problem.

From Elyse to Olanyus:

As someone who rekindled with my faith during college and then suddenly backed away from it, I understand your initial drawing to the church and your dedication to your faith. I still consider myself to be Catholic, though I am struggling to be involved in their different activities and religious meetings. Above all, though, I am happy that you have found a community of individuals and have found a light for you to follow during several dark times. I don’t know what the future of this world holds, but I do know that God has a plan for both of us. I am deeply sorry that your father could not be there to watch you grow up and be there for you; and I am also deeply sorry that your stepfather treated you and your family wrong. Your stepfather clearly had a lot of different internal issues and he dealt with them in hurtful way. I agree that no one is perfect and that were all just human as you say. I think at the end of day, we both must learn to heal and forgive to move on from the past. It is something I still struggle with; but I know it is good for me.