Things to look for in this. I have had a rough life before committing my life to Christ but please do not focus on the negative aspects but what god has done in my life and done through me.
this cat is not relevant to me in any way but I had problems with depression and a dissociative state of mind. I have a very overactive mind and tend to ruminate on negative aspects of my past and the psychology of cause and effect with every individual and situation. this stemmed from a childhood full of traumatic experiences and trying to cope with my brokenness.
and yes I self medicated with meditation, various drugs, alcohol and other forms of escapism so I heard about Jesus before and a little about his story I even professed to be a Christian but I did not know what that meant but I never understood why or what he was trying to do in my life. so yep I ran to atheism because it seemed like the most logical decision at the time.
what did I believe when I turned to atheism?.... well any god was based on controlling humanity and this can be proven through various religions force feeding people with the fear of hell as the only reason you should believe in something.
and that peoples only motivation for there purpose was from the fear of death I thought only weak people needed religion. I also question why god would allow horrible things to happen to people that were good or how he could let little kids starve to death or even how he would allow kids to get shot in school. the list is pretty big on why I became an atheist. I will answer these questions later......
what it meant for me to be an atheist? "Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist." - Epicurus..... try to imagine going to sleep and never waking up again I believed that death was just falling into nothingness. I would be as bold to say that most people wander across these understandings. and my understanding was that I was nothing and that this life was just a dream or simulation.
I chewed on lots of philosophies during work and trying to sleep so I tended to lean towards self seclusion and video games and movies. because I was tired of getting hurt and understanding people around me for instance you see a girl with tight jeans, low cut shirt, tattoos and piercings and some would say she was attractive or maybe even just provocative.
but what I seen was a person that was so driven to find love and happiness that she started marking her body while trying to attract or get attention from a male figure she started breaking pieces off of her identity and self just to feel loved or even close to someone that just wanted her, she knew all along that they never actually wanted her but she settled for a substitution of love because it made her feel at home.
well what kind of person was I before I surrendered to jesus?.
well I was cold and unkind and I did whatever I could to get my way through various forms of manipulation and trust building I never had a problem with getting along with people but I never actually cared who was across from me. I was taught from a very young age that I have too give people what they are missing so I would change my personality to comfort others and was in general just a very fake person which lead to all of my relationships being surface level. and to be honest with you I was lonely and in a dark place questioning my existence and why I was here with no place to escape too or no one to talk too that understood me i've been so distant my whole life. I'm not sure how long you have been a friend with me on Facebook but my name used to be Cloud Atlas which was ironically a name of a movie that I watched a little while after changing my name and my reasoning was because I felt the clouds were the only thing I could relate too they were distant and dark and held no value or so I thought
I remember days I would sit outside in the rain and feel so numb to the world around me. I feel that others have done these sorts of things, people tend to crave pain for instance have you ever lost a tooth and you ever had the temptation to feel the hole where the tooth or filling was to the point it would hurt and would sometimes do it until your tongue got sore.?
you know when someone has something that hurts them there is a temptation too experiment with this pain and even though it could be disastrous people will challenge it kids tend to do this like picking at a scab or working themselves up to tears I believe that people don't stop doing this when they get older, relationships are one of the facts I can back this theory up with like when a guy gets his heart broken or a girl gets her heart broke they will keep jumping into relationships, and end up with the same situation that ended the relationship before. or the same insecurities will creep up. leading them to that bitter pain that wrenches under your chest. and please don't get too cosmic just yet about any of this because none of this is who I am now I do believe in Jesus and I have a loving relationship with him so I promise that the story of my life gets better.
Creating a miniature hell.
suddenly I created a prison cell for myself filled with shame and sin some would say I was asleep but I never really remembered being awake in the first place. when I say prison cell what is the first image that pops in your mind? something like this?.
but my Prison cell wasn't so blatant about it there was no bars and I was free to come and go when I wanted too but I would choose to stay.
not so obvious prison cell
and granted this was not my only prison cell a prison cell could be something as simple as music or maybe even a "cell" phone no matter where I was I could not sit alone in a room and just think so I drank did drugs but that didn't help and neither did the music or the video games. but I still tried my best to escape to a different world a place I could go and be anyone that I wanted to be.
the scariest aspect about entertainment is that it can control our whole lives while making us think that we are in control of our life. after months of self seclusion and pursuing philosophies I kept ending up on we are useless this life is useless and we spend our lives trying to escape the thought of us being useless. so after everything I learned or figured out I did not want to live anymore I work to survive and buy things that break or become obsolete within months of getting it and I am just a product of consumption. I am a nothing questioning my objective nothingness.
I got drunk and tried working myself up to suicide kind of like the little kid working himself to tears. and in my loneliness and darkness I called out to god or Jesus whoever you are I challenge you to show me that you are real I give you 6 months. so my mom actually messaged me a few minutes after this episode and we got in a conversation and she mentioned to me that her and my dad were praying for me and they asked if I wanted to do a DTS (discipleship training school) as I sat there for a few minutes weighing if I should go...... and that night at around 4:00am I got on a plane and flew all the way back to Montana.
I was pretty intoxicated to the point of me not remembering the plane ride. but there i was getting picked up by my parents oh and side note
( I was adopted at the age of 14 by a Christian couple and they did not have me for very long but i love them very much).
so i was a month late to this missionary school wondering what am I doing here. so there I sat in class and they started talking about loving Jesus and the holy spirit, my thoughts unfiltered...... I just joined an occult and pretty soon things are going to get weird. and things did get weird we were roasting pigs, practicing dances and skits and I was Jesus in one of the skits as an atheist it enraged me but I kept my composure, I helped with worship so I had to learn all these worship songs I remember never seeing the lyrics but only the chords and what notes to hit. I remember looking at all these people singing these lyrics on there knees with there hands raised to the sky crying during worship and I thought it was silly like what are they even happy about. things progressed pretty soon we went on outreach to this show called Impact World Tour. which consisted of hundreds of missionaries performing and sharing the love and story of Jesus I got too see so many people give there life to Christ it was kind of overwhelming at the time. I didn't understand what these people kept smiling about what are they feeling that I am not feeling at all why were they so happy to give there life to Christ?.
I left worship angry at my circumstances andi sat down alone on the steps. i wondered why all of these people could be so changed by this then i demanded god to reveal himself to me this is not enough i want to feel what these people are feeling i need it i cant go on anymore, i want to be held by you....... i broke down crying which i have not done for years and i felt it. it all made sense to be in the presence of the lord a deep love that overtakes you and warms and cleanses you. i laid on the steps but i was not alone. right then and there i broke but i got held by a father. I gave my life to Christ and i declared that if god would have me i would do anything for him.
I'm going to keep on sharing all the way up to where i am at now so i will keep updating on Saturday. God Bless