What do Witches, Unicorns, and Pinocchio Have in Common? Think length

What does a witch ride? And where does she ride it?

A witch rides a broomstick. And she places it between her legs.

Glinda the Good is a witch, but she did not put a broomstick between her legs. Instead she traveled inside a bubble. This is because she’s a good witch.

Mary Poppins’ broom is her umbrella. She does not put this between her legs either. She is a witch who does not have to open her legs to get around.

The Bewitched TV show was about a lady witch, and we know this because she rides her broomstick sidesaddle. Women are always supposed to ride sidesaddle because then there is no fear of a broken hymen. An intact hymen is the method some confused societies use to determine whether or not a woman has had sex, because they can’t just simply ask her (trust issues). And they don’t seem to realize that the hymen is an imprecise yardstick.

The unicorn, whose name means “one horn,”

shares a similarity with the one-penised male.

Both have a comparatively large and rigid appendage.

Few remember the legend of the unicorn, which is that only a virgin can tame one. The unicorn lays its head in the virgin’s lap. Wonder what the unicorn does if you’re not a virgin...

This uncanny ability makes the unicorn a virgin-winnowing tool, and isn’t that handy? Because that’s exactly what men want to know!

Men need the vehicle of females in order to produce progeny. Until DNA testing, no one really knew who their father was. The only way to ensure paternity was to marry a virgin and lock her up. Cultures that only value women’s generative ability correspondingly treat women as commodities. When women are commodities, their loyalty is at stake. Hard to love your owner.

Perhaps this was Pinocchio’s problem. His father was also his owner. So his natural inclination was to fib due to the unbalanced power dynamic that exists when your relative and business associate are one and the same. Pinocchio’s mendacity is his dishonesty. It’s only his nose that tells the truth. And when it does, it grows like the horn of a unicorn!

It happens whenever he lies.

“I didn’t touch it.”

What do little boys lie about? What member actually grows on male bodies? What have little boys been made to feel guilty about for two millennia?


It turns out that the nose...

...is the penis of your face.

Picasso understood that the face is isopomorphic to the genitals (eyes: ovaries or testicles; nose: clitoris or penis, urinary tract; mouth: vagina, anus). Nature had one idea and she replicated it endlessly: clones. Humans are quadrilaterally symmetrical, like other mammals and many animals. Our faces resemble our genitals. We are focused on faces and genitals because this is how we facilitate procreation. Facial symmetry drives sex appeal because it implies genetic robustness. Our myths are rife with sexual symbolism. Witches ride phallic broomsticks, unicorns and Pinocchio both sport phalluses. And Noah’s Ark is the world’s first sex education.

Two by two, male and female.

And this story was “plagiarized” from The Epic of Gilgamesh, which is at least 2,100 years older than the Bible. Our legends tell us what we value: procreation. But at 7.6 billion of us and counting, we need another strategy.


Created By
Jennifer Ball @www.OriginofAlphabet.org