The following are excerpts from the diary Steven Peeler is keeping while he explores the real world.
Day 1: It's night. It's cold, and silent. I step outside for the first time in four years. I see a shadow slowly walking towards me. I'm scared. As the shadow draws closer, it beings to speak. "Oh I'm so proud of you Steven! I'ts been an honor being your mother for the last 22 years. I still remember the day we decided to name you Steven. That was cool. Say, why don't I help you move out? That would be a swell time! Haha, I'm your mother!" I have my hesitations that this woman is my actual mother. However, my mom does end every sentence with the phrase, "haha, I'm your mother!" so I believe her. Just to be careful, I ask for her credentials. She shows me her ID, and it says her name is Kim Peeler. That is also the name of my mom. To truly know if she is my mom, I ask her a question only the real Kim would know. I ask her, "what did I have for Breakfast on February 26, 2002?" She replied, "trick question. Everyone knows that the Peelers don't eat breakfast on the 26th of each month. It's been a family tradition for decades." She was correct. She then proceeded to help me move out of my dorm. Such a nice stranger/mom.
Day 2: The house that my "mom" brought me to is quite strange. There are numerous photos of me scattered throughout the upstairs and downstairs. There are notes next to each picture that say, "this is Steven. We know him, because he is related to us. Why would we have photos of this guy if he wasn't related to us? You can stop looking at these pictures now." There is a giant banner in the kitchen that says, "welcome back Steven Peeler, our first born son. We have always been your family. There have never been any other people who have raised you. We are so proud that you graduated from [insert college here]. We like your curly hair, and your height. Good job." It's the most flattering banner that has ever been written about me. In the evening, potential fake Kim showed me to my room and told me, "so this is where you'll be sleeping. You will be sleeping from 11:30-8:00. At that point, you will arise from your slumber, and join the rest of your family members upstairs for a nice, nutritious breakfast. We will take turns reading the newspaper and giving our opinions on the current events of the day. Just like we always do. Next, we will hop onto the family computer, and trade some stocks on the stock market, while we sing the Peeler family song, 'we like trading stocks after breakfast.' Then we will shake hands, and go about our day." Ah it feels good to be home.
Day 3: There are a few individuals occupying this house that claim they are my brothers. They tell me things like, "hey Steven. I'm your brother." And, "just a reminder Steven, I'm one of your brothers." And, "oh look at the time. It's five p.m. You know what that means? I'm your biological brother." One of them asked if I would play catch with them. I was feeling risky, so I said yes. (I will also say that exact sentence if someone ever proposes to me.) We go outside, and he tells me, "alright, did you bring the fruit basket?" I replied, "what? You said you wanted to play catch." He replied back, "yeah, I know. I play catch with a fruit basket." Luckily, I had a fruit basket in my car. He then asked me if I wanted to,"start a streaming-service company." Because, "Netflix is doomed to fail in the next 2-3 years, and I think there is a big opening in the market. All I would need from you is $100,000." I passed.
Day 4: My "mom" asked me if I wanted to go to Target with her. I agreed, because I love affordable items, and the color red. (In that order.) On the ride there, she told me, "you know, I've been real dissatisfied with Netflix lately. They are putting out too much content. They've chosen quantity over quality. The consumers might not know it now, but soon they will grow tired of this business model. That's why I think we should start our own streaming-service. All I would need from you is $200,000." I passed.
Day 5: I've now realized that this not my actual family. They appear to be some people who are working for a new streaming-service company. I first became suspicious when I walked into one the rooms and saw a sign that read, "we are not his actual family. Hahahaha. He will never know. Ah, it's fun to make signs. We should do it more often." I agree, making signs is fun. However, this sign was not. Also, I went into the laundry room, and saw a shirt that said, "once again, we are not Steven's actual family members. We are just people from this new streaming-service company. Our job is to convince him to give us a lot of money. Please don't wear this shirt around him. Thank you."
Day 6: Today is the day that I will be leaving the house. I can not be around these salespeople any longer. I think I'm just going to walk out the door, and tell them that I am going to go get their money, but then never come back. (I don't have $200,000 on me at the moment. I don't get paid until next week.) As I was walking out the door, they all stopped and yelled, "don't leave us, Steven! That's your name right? Steven? It doesn't matter, Netflix is a thing of the past. The yet to be named streaming service company will be way cooler. It will have a buffet! All we need from you is $750,000!" I passed. I took the shirt though.
Well, that was wacky. I'm now off to find my biological family. Wish me luck!
Oh, look, I found them!
That was quick.
Yay, no more fake family!
Good times.
See you next week.
Credits:
Created with images by france perles - "untitled image"