I want to know your secret.
Why haven’t you aged one little bit?
How can a 54-year-old man show no signs of wrinkles, sagging skin or a pot belly? Even Brad Pitt (55) looks like an old man compared to you.
You haven’t aged a day since you played a troubled teen–even though you were really 21–in the 1986 film River’s Edge. Your performance was compelling and when people accuse you of having a limited acting range, I tell them to watch that movie.
Another good reason to watch River’s Edge is to compare your face to that of co-stars Ione Skye and Crispen Glover. They look like people in their 50s now.
But not you.
You could still play the same troubled teen, or even a happy teen like you did in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure when you were 23, and I doubt anyone would notice.
When I first saw your name I thought it was pronounced Canoe but then someone said it was Kee-an-nu. Although I’ve also heard it pronounced Kar-nu. It doesn’t really matter though because it’s a great name.
And it’s perfect for a man who never ages. It sounds like the name of a Greek God: Kee-an-nu, God of Youth.
Indeed your life is a bit of a mystery. There is very little about you in gossip magazines. You haven't married and don't have children. You've never indulged in any sordid sex romps. You don’t like owning anything and you have never been extravagant. In fact, no-one knows where you live because you don’t like owning houses either.
Imagine all those fan tours of Beverly Hills where guides point out the homes of the rich and famous. They’d have more luck finding you on the subway.
So how do you do it, Canoe? Will your face stay the same just like Cliff Richard’s did until it suddenly collapsed?
Or maybe you will maintain a youthful visage by employing a skilled plastic surgeon.
Or maybe you could put a a clause in your contract like the one your Speed co-star Sandra Bullock put in hers. Her face is CGI’d in post-production so that she still looks young(ish). How weird is that? I thought they only CGI’d dead actors like Carrie Fisher and Peter Cushing in Rogue One.
I’d hate to think that your face is computer generated. Or even worse, that you died a long time ago and have been CGI’d ever since.
No wonder you don’t own a house.
And why you’ve never aged either.
Or why people say you act the same in every movie. That’s because it is the same movie. You’ve been CGI’d ever since River’s Edge.
But I don’t really believe that.
Kar-nu, can you please tell me your secret?