After many serious discussions and brainstorming with the best coaches in various athletic sports, we’ve finally realized how to guarantee success. All of our older denser blog posts can be simplified into these ten guaranteed keys to victory. If you consider yourself an athlete or someone that wants to reach your physical potential, this article is the first, last, and only thing you ever need to read. Prepare to have your life changed…
Try to kill yourself in every single workout
Submaximal training is for people who are too weak to fight through the pain. Pacing? You’re a thoroughbred and your mind can’t be trained to be tougher if you are just giving yourself an out to train easily. Put the pedal to the metal all the time. Work out until you throw up all over yourself. When you find that you’ve defecated in your pants from the pain, you know you’ve reached a new intensity threshold. Keep pushing through that and reap the rewards. Never finishing a training session feeling like you could have done more. If you do, make sure on your way out the door you have a friend hit you in the head with a dumbbell (preferably steel and above 50#). Go harder and get tougher.
Never eat carbs
Do you want diabetes? Do you want the inflammation caused by free radical damage? Don’t you you want your muscles sensitive to insulin? What’s wrong with you? Why would you ever enjoy a cookie? Why would you put sugar in your post workout shakes…that’s not paleo. Every time you taste the delicious sweetness of a sugary treat a unicorn dies. Forget what fuel you need to support your training. Make sure to read selective nutritional research and if you lose weight really fast it’s definitely working. Even if you are losing your muscle, your cellular water, your sex drive, your motivation, and your training progress you are on the right track so long as you are staying away from that granular white devil.
Eat excessive amounts of fats
Are you eating ten sticks of butter a day? If no, change your habits until your answer is yes. Pour it in your coffee. Melt it and put it into a camel pack and drink it throughout the day. Calories shmalories. Eat fat to burn fat. Fat fuels the aerobic system. Lean people eat fat. Fat makes hormones. Fat Fat Fat all the time. If you are eating on the run and can’t find a good fat source go to a local grocery store and get a 12 ounce bottle of olive oil and chug it. It’s fine, they’re healthy fats.
Never focus on technique or mastery of basics
Who has ever gotten to a world-class level focusing on stupid things like technique? Are you lifting enough to make it dangerous? If yes, you are on the right path. Prioritize maximal loads, complete muscle failure, maximal cardiac stress, and novelty in your training sessions all the time without regard for how it looks. Economy of movement? What does the wealth of a nation have to do with movement? Come on, let’s be serious here. The development of quality technical execution is boring. Who wants to perform mindful practice when you can live on the edge of experience? You have to make mistakes to learn so it must follow that the bigger the mistake, the bigger the progress. That’s world class logic. If you can’t swim, jump into the deep end and learn. If you drown, well I guess Darwin would say it was meant to be.
Never pace workouts or pay attention to your heart rate
Have you ever seen a world-class runner pace their 5k runs? Of course not, they sprint out of the gate and hold on. All the time you should be focused on full speed. 1 min workout? Answer: Maximal speed. 3 min workout? Answer: Maximal speed. 10 min workout? Answer: maximal speed. Workout where handstand pushups are a limiter? Answer: Get to failure as fast as you can, at least you can say you kept up with Rich for round 1. I’ve heard the term lactic acid blood bath pain cave used to describe this method. That phrase is glorious and completely accurately defines sound training. Be a vicious wild animal with no regard for limitations. They only exist in your mind.
Ignore conventional and the current body of scientific understanding
Scientists are nerds who’ve never trained anyone. We’re disproving everything they’re saying anyway. People thought the world was round once and we’ll probably prove them to be charlatans anyway. Just rely on intuition. We’re physical beings and warriors, why would we ever listen to the intellectuals. Haven’t you seen divergent? They’ll never understand us or they’re probably trying to take us over and use us for their own benefit. Lift weights, slam bars, throw up in workouts, sweat, prove them all wrong. Thinking is worthless. Action is life.
Spend your money on more cool and shiny stuff
What are you spending your money on? If you don’t have a mountain of shoes in your closet, you aren’t trying hard enough. You need 15 colors for every day, seventeen different heel heights for every different variant of a lift, different weighted shoes for optimal performance on different modalities, and 6 different types of breathability for the temperatures of different climates you might travel to in order to crush workouts. If you don’t have a pharmacy in your house to compound your supplements, then you are probably contaminated and inflamed. Ensure your fish oil is harvested from fish from Mt. Everest’s summit after being soaked in the X-ray vision of aliens and bottled in a UV protected factory manned by centaurs. It will ensure that you are elite. Coaching, one on one private lessons for technique, seminars, books, quality food, and things you enjoy outside the gym are worthless. Don’t spend your money on that. The shinier the object, the more utility it has. That’s proven by science.
Put IV’s full of extra potent coffee into your jugular vein
Caffeine cannot be over consumed. It has water in it. What do they say now, a gallon of water a day? Replace that gallon of water with coffee and kill a flock of birds with three pebbles. Or is it two stones and one bird? Anyway, extra caffeine! Actually, it’s probably better to mix your pre workout caffeine pills into a pre workout drink, then blend that coffee (with butter and coconut oil of course for more fats and slower absorption) and that should be used instead of water. If you miss sleep, drink more coffee to make up for it. If you are tired before your training sessions, triple the dose of your caffeine. If you are stressed from work burn it off in training, but before training make sure you drink 5 times the dose of the self proclaimed expert. When your teeth turn yellow from constant consumption you are beginning your transition into elite-ness. Until then, you are just pretending to want it.
There are experts out there that claim to have a lot to offer. They’ve might say they’ve coached Olympians, they’ve studied joint articulations, they were in the Olympics, or just have really intriguing questions that they are trying to answer. Don’t listen to them. Be as uncoachable as possible all the time. Never let down your defenses. Vulnerability is for people who lose and you have all the answers you need. When they give you advice, tell them they’re stupid and they don’t know what they’re talking about. Ensure you use as little supporting data as possible to prove them wrong. When they get frustrated at your inability to recognize you own illogical thoughts, it just proves they don’t know what they’re talking about! Laugh in their face, show them proof of a company sponsored promo of an elite athlete, and look for any reason to slander them. They can be of no service and if you make them feel like shit and belittle them it will make you feel better. We all have all the answers. Mentorship, guidance, teachers, and experts are not needed. You are the alpha and the omega. Bathe in the glory of your own greatness.
Forget Everything I just wrote
I hope that you got this far and you enjoyed a good laugh for the day. We should all remember not to take ourselves too seriously. I was sitting and thinking about the communities that I am passionately pursuing to be a larger part of, at the collective diversity that inhabits the planet, at the topics of debate in the fitness world, and at the hysterical way us humans try to constantly strive for connection and belonging while acknowledging the pretty ruthless way it manifests in our species. As I realized how strange and insane I was for thinking about that, I laughed and felt it would be best to share that tiny bit of self-love that barely shows it’s face due to the extreme intensity that defines most of my life and was harvested from my childhood insecurities. So, hopefully you enjoyed this and I’m grateful to have a community that supports me in all of my madness.